J

A few ends are brought about by mutual consensus. They happen because we want them to. But they don't sink in as fast, my system gets these hiccups, it suffocates at times, this abruptness of the end, the aftermath, I don't think I have adapted as well as I should have. Okay, enough!

The question is simple, on my face. Am I jealous? Of every other woman you now share even the tiniest of things with? I might deny it when I am totally in my senses. But right now I am not. Right now, I am just insane with jealousy. I avoid letting these instances from entering the proximity of my conscious. But sometimes it's just so hard. Mostly, it is tempting, you know. I can't help being human. I want to know about you. I want to know how much better you are doing than moi. I wonder if there is a new woman. And via a lot of unfortunate discoveries, with negative affirmations of all kinds, I end of with this bitter jealousy I can't help but write 'bout.

The wound is raw. I have not the slightest idea when it will heal. Or whether it will heal at all. We are all trying to move on. Sometimes moving on is the happily ever after. I have tried remedies and failed. I have tried to fill the void you left me with, with other people. But the feeling is like-dead. I have done nothing short of compelling myself. But the wound is still raw.

And so I write to myself, every night. In the dead of the night, I am ..engaged in an effort, to fill the void with words, and realizing that it doesn't work that way!

16 comments:

arvind said...

words alone brings consciousness - on a insane state..
but how to bring that without words - is the search of the life..

you talking in one aspect.. and this post is applicable for all sphere.. yes.. all are wounded in one way or another..

"I don't think I have adapted as well as I should have" - is universal applicability..

but why? as it have more options/choices? shall we not live without choices - everytime?
SEARCHING.. life..

Zave said...

I think I'll get tired commenting that either I love this thought of yours or I feel the same way inside.
And really, being jealous is one of the worst thing that could happen at such a time!
I hate this, I mean the feeling, not your post!
;)

Rajita said...

Jealousy thy name is woman..Shakespeare said this. But its the same for all. Feels yuck..makes you feel like this extremely old haggard woman..you never thot yourself to be

arvind said...

but how to bring that without words

1) music
2) games
3) spending time with nature
4) childs

the listing is running thick and fast..

wold - if me overstep - remind me..

arvind said...

as becoz of ur words - me try to explore me today - and understand some what - why everyone desire towards something always..WORDLESS THINGS..

at times the third angle might help..

thanks mam..

Vagabond said...

oh so jealous. yes.
you, as you always do, have written it so bloody well.
i for one have this superiority complex that is, well (i know sounds weird), is covered under an inferiority complex (sue me i have issues). jealousy is very far between for me, but yes, the jealousy dat u mentioned kills.
i hate it but in a weird way, my numb self feels alive when i feel that way..

Vagabond said...

oh so jealous. yes.
you, as you always do, have written it so bloody well.
i for one have this superiority complex that is, well (i know sounds weird), is covered under an inferiority complex (sue me i have issues). jealousy is very far between for me, but yes, the jealousy dat u mentioned kills.
i hate it but in a weird way, my numb self feels alive when i feel that way..

Sudeep said...

Beautifully written. But it's quite sad that those words are coming out of a lot of pain. You deny that you are jealous when you are in proper sense. But the jealousy makes you insane. Catch 22 situation.

Meher....all out to explore..!! said...

Words are the only things that fill up the void that feelings sometime create.Nicely put.
Jealousy..*sigh*,makes you feel terrible,insane,sad..all at once.
I hate the feeling too,and you have put it down in an apt manner.
nice blog.
cheers..!!

wildflower said...

@ Zave
but, u have al d freedom to hate my posts.. ;)

@ Rajita
Jealousy thy name is woman..Shakespeare thanx..gettin this hardwired!!

@ Vagabond..
....!!! kill me it did..

@ Sudeep
luks like now i shud get that movie/book asap!

@ arvind
thanks for sparing so much time & mind!

SammY said...

Jealousy,. Mm,. am not sure hw difff is jealousy for a guy as for a gal,. But is real tough feelin though!! Been thru aftamaths of luv,. trust me,. only cure to luv is hate,. it really works,. till u crossover the line frm luv even the slightest thoughts can shake ur world,. But muvin on is gonna make u awesome :),.. So cheer,. Nice post keep writin \m/

wildflower said...

@ Meher..
bloggin helps! thnx

@ Sam
only cure to luv is hate
hmm..
& dude aint i awesome alredy..? ;)

arvind said...

me read..
a wave always come as
Up and Down..
When up - Love
When Down - hate
both are not against..
but SUPPORTIVE!

@wild: every time me use to tell - a love is of understanding.. yes.. understanding of one's own SELF!

Vagabond said...

@sam and wildflower:
well actually there is no cure to love and if there is it is indifference. hate still is passion of a kind, absence of all passion is what will cure it.

wildflower said...

Love->Hate->Indifference

that's the flow of feeling..?

arvind said...

ho.. the difference is wide and unimaginable..

at hate - u withdrawing blood from your brain..

at love - there is a fireworks by blood in the brain..

(undertaker - heart!)