Weight of the day, won't lift. My shoulders droop in exhaustion and embarassment. What am I doing that I am so weighed down? Nothing of substance. Only the mundane. So what's pushing me down so?
It's only 9 in the morning. My day is already the worst. Everything is falling apart and I am sobbing loudly in public transport. Yeah. So much for being pedestrian.
What cost am I being made to bear? Victim mentality much?
Well atleast I am getting by. There are some who've given up already, long back. Well atleast I am shooting pointless email after email, crumbling to my fears, people pleasing incessantly, sorting my laundry, running errands, buying essentials, screaming at my mother, screaming at my child. But I am still here.
However, I exist only superficially. I exist because people call me. And there is no deeper reason for my existence. I have eroded over the years into nothing. Depreciated into zilch.
But that doesn't matter. Because all that, I take cognizance of. I am one hundred percent aware of these futilities having engulfed me and shat me out.
So why am I stooping so low for the half dozen bags I carry? Why can't I be erect, why can't my chest fluf up. How dare I cry in public transport. I ought to be stronger because I am aware of these defaults and my perseverance to be this person, despite.
But my day weighs me down. Relentlessly, every day, every night. Making me a comatose jaywalker in the day and an owl like insomniac all night.
Your words really struck me.
ReplyDeleteNot giving up is truly important. I do not know what advice to give for lifting the weight off of your shoulders. When we are tired and overwhelmed for a long time tiredness and being overwhelmed become woven into our image of ourselves. I can only advise to find a bit of time, 10-15 minutes every day if possible to just disconnect and do something that gives you contentment (I suggest something that is small and quick and doesn't need a long time to prepare for). I hope that that is even a smidge helpful.
I feel you!
ReplyDeleteSomehow we have come to a juncture where our identities and purpose in life are now completely dependent on what we are able to get done for others. Once we stop serving those purposes, we cease to exist!