All of it still lives
the innocence in my eyes
the undying patience to see you home
i still cage vivid memories of your face
the promises that you silently made
the assurance in your voice, when we met last
the way my heart paced
when your fingers slipped out of mine
the one final time....
nothing's changed, take my word
rub a li'l below my scars
and you'l get wounds as fresh
as you left them
No time can heal them
It's all safe & intact
In the chambers of my heart
The Problem of Choice
Whenever life has bestowed upon me the luxury of choice, I
have invariably longed for the one that's not so good.
Way back in school, from I had chosen Oriya instead of
Sanskrit. My excuse was that I actually loved the former.
My love fetched me a mere 83 in boards. Sankrit guys
crushed me with their thunderous 99s.
In college I chose Biology to Statistics for reasons known
only to the holy heavens. I loved Biology? no-no! I took it
because it was tougher. Yah! I'm attracted to tough things
(no pun intended...) But one thing I would remember for the
rest of my life was cramming the morphology of the human
brain on my scooty, on my way to the exam hall.
Later in engineering, I 'preferred' Electrical to Computer
Science. For some godforsaken senior quitely whispered into
my ears that the Compsci Dept wasn't up-to-d-mark! But I
never cared to find out what the Electrical Dept was like
Now, I have slogged for four long years. No, I actually
macerated! Plus, ended up with nothing in my hands...!
So all the conscious choices I made, ditched me. They
ditched me hard & bad. But I was not convinced by history
repeating itself over and over again.
I did it again. I made the absurd choice of love. But the love
dumped me too.
But the most pathetic thing of all things is that I don't have
any regrets. yup! Absolutely none...I have absolutely loved
learning things the hard waY!
have invariably longed for the one that's not so good.
Way back in school, from I had chosen Oriya instead of
Sanskrit. My excuse was that I actually loved the former.
My love fetched me a mere 83 in boards. Sankrit guys
crushed me with their thunderous 99s.
In college I chose Biology to Statistics for reasons known
only to the holy heavens. I loved Biology? no-no! I took it
because it was tougher. Yah! I'm attracted to tough things
(no pun intended...) But one thing I would remember for the
rest of my life was cramming the morphology of the human
brain on my scooty, on my way to the exam hall.
Later in engineering, I 'preferred' Electrical to Computer
Science. For some godforsaken senior quitely whispered into
my ears that the Compsci Dept wasn't up-to-d-mark! But I
never cared to find out what the Electrical Dept was like
Now, I have slogged for four long years. No, I actually
macerated! Plus, ended up with nothing in my hands...!
So all the conscious choices I made, ditched me. They
ditched me hard & bad. But I was not convinced by history
repeating itself over and over again.
I did it again. I made the absurd choice of love. But the love
dumped me too.
But the most pathetic thing of all things is that I don't have
any regrets. yup! Absolutely none...I have absolutely loved
learning things the hard waY!
Suicide note
By the time you read this, I would be long gone. For long I
wanted to know what exactly happened after death. And
finally I would know...
I have no qualms, I hold no one responsible for my death.
It's all me, me and me. I am my nemesis.
Though I would mention one thing, the world and its people
weren't good enough for me. I was always treated like an
outsider. My expectations were crushed. I was crushed.
So finally I have decided to call it a day. It's been a long long
time, and I have had enough. So we shall finish it once and
for all.
I am not a coward or an escapist. I'm choosing a dignified way
of ending a vestigial life.
So, I'm being rather brave, I don't want to live like a piece of
flesh. My life should have been the way I wanted it to. Or it
would not be at all...
Goodbye all
Love
wildflower
wanted to know what exactly happened after death. And
finally I would know...
I have no qualms, I hold no one responsible for my death.
It's all me, me and me. I am my nemesis.
Though I would mention one thing, the world and its people
weren't good enough for me. I was always treated like an
outsider. My expectations were crushed. I was crushed.
So finally I have decided to call it a day. It's been a long long
time, and I have had enough. So we shall finish it once and
for all.
I am not a coward or an escapist. I'm choosing a dignified way
of ending a vestigial life.
So, I'm being rather brave, I don't want to live like a piece of
flesh. My life should have been the way I wanted it to. Or it
would not be at all...
Goodbye all
Love
wildflower
Their eyes met and parted, almost instantaneously
Eyes that know each other, do not look away that fast.
But with strangers it's a different thing you know...
There were human voices, so many that they condensed into a noise that submerged into the back of their brains.
And in a mad crowd like that it's natural for two strangers to fade into oblivion. To never look at each other again.
But eyes met again. And before they were to part, she felt his eyes hold on to her for a moment more. Did he know her?
'No!', she told herself...Nobody here is supposed to know me. I am not supposed to be visible. She laughed to herself.
She was sitting on the stairs...she saw herself in the shiny black marble that the floor was tiled with. Looked up at people walking on that distant road. From where she was, everything looked so distant, so alien to the world she lived in...
She tossed her hair back, the way it brushed her back always felt good, she continued doing that and staring into the semi-lit darkness.
Unconscious of her own existence, her mind stretched into the thoughts of an infinite nothing.
She tried to lengthen her mind's stay in the real world, but she kept falling into depths of an hypothetical abyss. The more she would fall into it, the more lost and free she would feel.
She crossed her legs on those shiny black marble stairs...tossed her hair backwards and it again kept falling on her shoulders.
And the stranger couldn't look away anymore. What was he looking at?
At her soul underneath layers of skin and flesh...?
Her mind juggling between possibilities and impossibilities and his kept sinking into her...
Eyes that know each other, do not look away that fast.
But with strangers it's a different thing you know...
There were human voices, so many that they condensed into a noise that submerged into the back of their brains.
And in a mad crowd like that it's natural for two strangers to fade into oblivion. To never look at each other again.
But eyes met again. And before they were to part, she felt his eyes hold on to her for a moment more. Did he know her?
'No!', she told herself...Nobody here is supposed to know me. I am not supposed to be visible. She laughed to herself.
She was sitting on the stairs...she saw herself in the shiny black marble that the floor was tiled with. Looked up at people walking on that distant road. From where she was, everything looked so distant, so alien to the world she lived in...
She tossed her hair back, the way it brushed her back always felt good, she continued doing that and staring into the semi-lit darkness.
Unconscious of her own existence, her mind stretched into the thoughts of an infinite nothing.
She tried to lengthen her mind's stay in the real world, but she kept falling into depths of an hypothetical abyss. The more she would fall into it, the more lost and free she would feel.
She crossed her legs on those shiny black marble stairs...tossed her hair backwards and it again kept falling on her shoulders.
And the stranger couldn't look away anymore. What was he looking at?
At her soul underneath layers of skin and flesh...?
Her mind juggling between possibilities and impossibilities and his kept sinking into her...
~~##~~
Our feet sink deeper into the sand as we take every new step. You begin to lean on my shoulders. And I feel like I’m dragging you along with me. You’re talking like insane. But I want you to sink into deeper levels of irreversible insanity. I look at the distant waves, layers of white foam emerging out of the sea pitch dark, and then vanishing into the same. And yet again, I look at you. You’ve almost lost it. What could have made you so drunk? Is it the alcohol, or is it something else? Is it me? Can you even walk like a man? Can you even find home?
pic courtesy: internet!
pic courtesy: internet!
the Jamun tree
I can remember the sickle-shaped jamun tree. Rain fresh. And lush green. I remember staring at it from the opposite bank of the river. Fearing the brown flood waters of the river that kept me away from the jamun tree, I wondered if there was actually a crocodile that lived underneath. And the clever monkey on the jamun tree. And whether the clever monkey had ever asked the crocodile to ferry him across to the other side. And whether the crocodile had asked for the monkey’s heart in return for the ride.
I had been told that the heart of the clever monkey who devoured bunch after bunch of purple ripe jamun was supposed to have a heart with all the coagulated sweetness in it. Or so the crocodile thought. And was hence greedy to eat the monkey’s heart once and for all.
And in the middle of the swirling waters when the crocodile paused for a moment, looked at the monkey on his back and asked for his heart. The monkey stayed mum. The crocodile threatened him.
Then monkey, clever that he was, said that he had left his heart back on the jamun tree. He would hand it over as soon as they reach the bank.
The crocodile readily agreed.
Upon reaching the other bank, the clever monkey shot up the branches and khee-khee-d from up there at the crocodile.
‘How can anyone live without his heart? You foolish crocodile.’
I had been told that the heart of the clever monkey who devoured bunch after bunch of purple ripe jamun was supposed to have a heart with all the coagulated sweetness in it. Or so the crocodile thought. And was hence greedy to eat the monkey’s heart once and for all.
And in the middle of the swirling waters when the crocodile paused for a moment, looked at the monkey on his back and asked for his heart. The monkey stayed mum. The crocodile threatened him.
Then monkey, clever that he was, said that he had left his heart back on the jamun tree. He would hand it over as soon as they reach the bank.
The crocodile readily agreed.
Upon reaching the other bank, the clever monkey shot up the branches and khee-khee-d from up there at the crocodile.
‘How can anyone live without his heart? You foolish crocodile.’
m@D gUrL--PART I
there is this guy in my class. i dont even know his name for sure. it could be some name starting with s. from the very first day when i entered the class, i looked for good faces as i have always done in the past. my eyes froze with his. but somehow i tried not to let him know that i had liked it.
we all know it happens. we all know shit happens. 'so girl, wind up! enough forthe day, shirk him off your brains', i cajoled myself. my friend told me that he had talked to her the other day. now this friend of mine being very beautiful, it's generally the case of guys coming upto her and talking to her and stuff. so i sighed some relief breathing into myself...' oh! just another guy then!'
the class ended. i walked home for weekend. i plugged in my earphones. walked the road, alone in the evening. and to do away with the fatigue, i closed my eyes for a brief while while listening to one of my all time favorites.
and after a minute or two when i opened my eyes, i was aghast. 'o my god! i was thinking about him, what is this? have i gone crazy? o my god, i was supposed to be a grown up by now'
then as saturday ran out, i watched more and more of TV. read a novel half through. and sunday, i got up at noon. ran errands, changed the water in the acquarium, did all sorts of stuff, until one quiet moment i sat down with myself and flashes of his smile ran before the eyes of my mind. and it was then that i couldn't help slipping into some indulgence. ' o c'mon, it's just a face.
mind needs a face to feed upon right? nothing wrong with it if you don't fall for him...carry on!'
monday morning, when i entered class, almost automatically my eyes scanned all the faces and stopped for a second at his. and i felt a pinch at my heart when i realised that he was already looking at me. but then that was quite natural, isn't it? anyone would normally look at the door if a latecomer standing there whispers 'may i get in?' or something like that.
so there is nothing like he-liking-me or any bullshit. i walked to an empty chair straight. and it happened to be next to his. there really was not another single empty chair in the class. or if there was, it was invisible to me.
a minute later even before the first question was written on the board, he screamed some answer. and this shook off the rest of the sleep in my eyes. i get a complex from the people performing better than me. and i find it hard to accept failure.
thankfully, whatever answer that was, it was wrong. i heard him gasp in pain. so i relaxed a little, and told myself, ' what does he think of himself huh!'
but this was not to last. he was the first person to answer almost every question correctly. and this was somewhat unbelievable to me. i would not even try a question or two thinking it to be of no use. anyway he would blurt the answer out in a couple of nanoseconds.
i felt crippled and pathetic. and all the more impressed.
later, to some question, Mr. whatever was obviously the first to answer. But i came out with some answer different from his and shouted it aloud. And then he looks at me. okay, let me confess, we look at each other. our eyes meet for the first time and he smiles and says "yeah..your's is the correct one!"
when the teacher asked who had given the correct answer, he says"yes sir, the both of us."and smiles again.
'what? what did he just say?'
later wherever i go, i find him. and the fun part is that before i find him out, he already would have found me out. the day's kinda ridiculous.
in the garage, he asks me about studies in general. he asks me, not my beautiful friend! how can that be?
anyway, i never let anyone go who asks me about studies. i blurt out all my frustration almost in one long breath. and than after this all he smiles. i hold back, 'may be he would like to ask something else'.
nothing happens. we leave.
the next day, again the empty chair next to him becomes mine. and the entire class i try to concentrate and remove him completely from my peripheral range of view. i had been almost successful.
while we leave, my friend says, "the guy next to you...i guess he's got a tiny something for you."
"err...a tiny what?"
"come on, don't be an @$$. I caught him staring at you almost ten times", she giggled...!!!
And then I got home and wrote two poems f0r him.
we all know it happens. we all know shit happens. 'so girl, wind up! enough forthe day, shirk him off your brains', i cajoled myself. my friend told me that he had talked to her the other day. now this friend of mine being very beautiful, it's generally the case of guys coming upto her and talking to her and stuff. so i sighed some relief breathing into myself...' oh! just another guy then!'
the class ended. i walked home for weekend. i plugged in my earphones. walked the road, alone in the evening. and to do away with the fatigue, i closed my eyes for a brief while while listening to one of my all time favorites.
and after a minute or two when i opened my eyes, i was aghast. 'o my god! i was thinking about him, what is this? have i gone crazy? o my god, i was supposed to be a grown up by now'
then as saturday ran out, i watched more and more of TV. read a novel half through. and sunday, i got up at noon. ran errands, changed the water in the acquarium, did all sorts of stuff, until one quiet moment i sat down with myself and flashes of his smile ran before the eyes of my mind. and it was then that i couldn't help slipping into some indulgence. ' o c'mon, it's just a face.
mind needs a face to feed upon right? nothing wrong with it if you don't fall for him...carry on!'
monday morning, when i entered class, almost automatically my eyes scanned all the faces and stopped for a second at his. and i felt a pinch at my heart when i realised that he was already looking at me. but then that was quite natural, isn't it? anyone would normally look at the door if a latecomer standing there whispers 'may i get in?' or something like that.
so there is nothing like he-liking-me or any bullshit. i walked to an empty chair straight. and it happened to be next to his. there really was not another single empty chair in the class. or if there was, it was invisible to me.
a minute later even before the first question was written on the board, he screamed some answer. and this shook off the rest of the sleep in my eyes. i get a complex from the people performing better than me. and i find it hard to accept failure.
thankfully, whatever answer that was, it was wrong. i heard him gasp in pain. so i relaxed a little, and told myself, ' what does he think of himself huh!'
but this was not to last. he was the first person to answer almost every question correctly. and this was somewhat unbelievable to me. i would not even try a question or two thinking it to be of no use. anyway he would blurt the answer out in a couple of nanoseconds.
i felt crippled and pathetic. and all the more impressed.
later, to some question, Mr. whatever was obviously the first to answer. But i came out with some answer different from his and shouted it aloud. And then he looks at me. okay, let me confess, we look at each other. our eyes meet for the first time and he smiles and says "yeah..your's is the correct one!"
when the teacher asked who had given the correct answer, he says"yes sir, the both of us."and smiles again.
'what? what did he just say?'
later wherever i go, i find him. and the fun part is that before i find him out, he already would have found me out. the day's kinda ridiculous.
in the garage, he asks me about studies in general. he asks me, not my beautiful friend! how can that be?
anyway, i never let anyone go who asks me about studies. i blurt out all my frustration almost in one long breath. and than after this all he smiles. i hold back, 'may be he would like to ask something else'.
nothing happens. we leave.
the next day, again the empty chair next to him becomes mine. and the entire class i try to concentrate and remove him completely from my peripheral range of view. i had been almost successful.
while we leave, my friend says, "the guy next to you...i guess he's got a tiny something for you."
"err...a tiny what?"
"come on, don't be an @$$. I caught him staring at you almost ten times", she giggled...!!!
And then I got home and wrote two poems f0r him.
It was a black and white picture. Now I have it framed and it sits on the wooden showcase in my living room. To its right I have placed the vase that you’d given me then. It has no flowers. So that just the vase reminds me of you every time I look at it.
There is nothing much around the place such that whenever I sink into the couch and kill a pillow between my arms, all I can see is the black and white picture.
And you are staring out of it. I look at you and our eyes meet. And my mind travels back to the days when we’d just a few days in hand. The look on your face is that of suppressed laughter. You played safe, not knowing when the camera would click.
I look at the glint in your eyes. A glint that sometimes feels like everything to me.
But I can’t look into your eyes for a moment longer. I couldn’t then. And I can’t now. I start shaking and my hair stands up. I lower my gaze.
And there's me. Not looking at the camera but at you.
It was near my computer, remember? I didn’t know when you’d popped up.
‘We’r gonna get our picture done? WoW! Lemme do my hair…!’
‘Please…one minute..okay…fifteen seconds?’
And then suddenly you rushed to my side, asked me to face the cam and smile. In my chair, you standing beside me, I was still looking up at you and complaining, and it got clicked.
And that second froze forever. For me to sink into my couch and stare at it years later.
Your hands quietly lay on the rim of my chair. Felt like you would never let go.
Felt like one dream that should have come to true.
There is nothing much around the place such that whenever I sink into the couch and kill a pillow between my arms, all I can see is the black and white picture.
And you are staring out of it. I look at you and our eyes meet. And my mind travels back to the days when we’d just a few days in hand. The look on your face is that of suppressed laughter. You played safe, not knowing when the camera would click.
I look at the glint in your eyes. A glint that sometimes feels like everything to me.
But I can’t look into your eyes for a moment longer. I couldn’t then. And I can’t now. I start shaking and my hair stands up. I lower my gaze.
And there's me. Not looking at the camera but at you.
It was near my computer, remember? I didn’t know when you’d popped up.
‘We’r gonna get our picture done? WoW! Lemme do my hair…!’
‘Please…one minute..okay…fifteen seconds?’
And then suddenly you rushed to my side, asked me to face the cam and smile. In my chair, you standing beside me, I was still looking up at you and complaining, and it got clicked.
And that second froze forever. For me to sink into my couch and stare at it years later.
Your hands quietly lay on the rim of my chair. Felt like you would never let go.
Felt like one dream that should have come to true.
A dusk
Sunset has colored the sky
And we're biking into infinity
A speed so high
That I cant breathe anymore
That the wind pierces into my skin
To breakfree
I let my hands off your shoulders
Stretch them out and scream our names
I wait
For my voice to strike a mountain
And come back to me
But sad
Our names get lost in the air
I bite my lips & you turn back
Your small eyes
A spark of mischief in them
And you gimme goosebumps
I die
When your lips twist
And the smile reaches the whole of your cheeks
Later
I smile to myself
And I pat my back, I've loved a rebel
Sunset has colored the sky
And we're biking into infinity
A speed so high
That I cant breathe anymore
That the wind pierces into my skin
To breakfree
I let my hands off your shoulders
Stretch them out and scream our names
I wait
For my voice to strike a mountain
And come back to me
But sad
Our names get lost in the air
I bite my lips & you turn back
Your small eyes
A spark of mischief in them
And you gimme goosebumps
I die
When your lips twist
And the smile reaches the whole of your cheeks
Later
I smile to myself
And I pat my back, I've loved a rebel
Dini
“Dini… the sides of your chapattis aren’t baked at all…c’mon this way your mom-in-law will throw you out of her house…”
“And Dini, what is this? You’re getting darker by the minute. I’m getting Garnier Sun Block for you, and you’re having to wear that... okay?”
“What the hell Dini. Facing the computer day in and out, your glasses are getting thicker. I won’t take you to the doc this time around. Nor would I let anyone take you. One should pay for her actions…”
“Be a girl Dini…what is that bird’s nest doing on your head hun? Want to make your hair look like Shakira’s hun? The next thin’ I’m gonna make sure is that poster of hers goes straight to the dustbin…!”
“Wear clothes Dini honey. Not leaves. And I don’t include three-fourths when I say clothes!!!”
“Dini honey, no more chewing gum at home, promise me…sweetie”
“And who is it that you’re stuck to on the phone every night? Not some guy I suppose?”
“Next time we’re having relatives, do me a favor. Fold your hands and utter a namaste before I beg you to. It’s so embarrassing for me to ask you.”
“Dini, leave that paint brush alone, that hasn’t earned you anything in life. And it’ll neither do in future…I bet!”
“Seven mugs of coffee a night will render you insomniac. You know what kinds of health problems await you when you’ll be my age?”
“Your inbox is overflowing Dini. Who’s maddy? And Abby? And all these people I don’t know? Have sane friends please. Call them home for dinner. I’ll tell you which ones not to keep. Bad company is the worst thing that can happen to you now.”
“And stop speaking like Meg Ryan after you’ve seen Harry met Sally for the umpteenth time. We shall have to incinerate the DVD otherwise…”
“Dini…”
“Are you listening to me…? Or just nodding with earphones plugged in? Hmm
??”
“And Dini, what is this? You’re getting darker by the minute. I’m getting Garnier Sun Block for you, and you’re having to wear that... okay?”
“What the hell Dini. Facing the computer day in and out, your glasses are getting thicker. I won’t take you to the doc this time around. Nor would I let anyone take you. One should pay for her actions…”
“Be a girl Dini…what is that bird’s nest doing on your head hun? Want to make your hair look like Shakira’s hun? The next thin’ I’m gonna make sure is that poster of hers goes straight to the dustbin…!”
“Wear clothes Dini honey. Not leaves. And I don’t include three-fourths when I say clothes!!!”
“Dini honey, no more chewing gum at home, promise me…sweetie”
“And who is it that you’re stuck to on the phone every night? Not some guy I suppose?”
“Next time we’re having relatives, do me a favor. Fold your hands and utter a namaste before I beg you to. It’s so embarrassing for me to ask you.”
“Dini, leave that paint brush alone, that hasn’t earned you anything in life. And it’ll neither do in future…I bet!”
“Seven mugs of coffee a night will render you insomniac. You know what kinds of health problems await you when you’ll be my age?”
“Your inbox is overflowing Dini. Who’s maddy? And Abby? And all these people I don’t know? Have sane friends please. Call them home for dinner. I’ll tell you which ones not to keep. Bad company is the worst thing that can happen to you now.”
“And stop speaking like Meg Ryan after you’ve seen Harry met Sally for the umpteenth time. We shall have to incinerate the DVD otherwise…”
“Dini…”
“Are you listening to me…? Or just nodding with earphones plugged in? Hmm
??”Alive!
i'l take ma mind on a long ride
chew the stick of that lollipop till it makes me nauseatic
lie down on ma bed, look at the burst of colors in the sky
tho' i haven' reached a stalemate
life is just a lil sluggish
chew the stick of that lollipop till it makes me nauseatic
lie down on ma bed, look at the burst of colors in the sky
look at the boughs of the old coconut give up to the wind
watch ma skin go up in blisters as the sun pours down
one vehicle after another, spitting smoke on ma face
tho' i haven' reached a stalemate
life is just a lil sluggish
i'm running slow
breathing slow
...& i'm alive...
...& i'm alive...
'coz that's all one can ever be!
PS: If at all I made you think, that this was just another shitty piece of poetry, you're mistaken
what you read was ma 200th post...!
Not Yet...
Am I calling it quits, finally?
Has rhythm abandoned me?
Am I not hungry for peace anymore?
When did I leave that desire to tip-toe thru’ the hours of dawn, on wet sunbathed sand and again turn back to count the toe prints?
But what irks me is why I did so, so passively, so sub-consciously?
Am I giving mundanity an upper hand in my life?Am I letting life carry me away on the same beaten path?
Has rhythm abandoned me?
Am I not hungry for peace anymore?
When did I leave that desire to tip-toe thru’ the hours of dawn, on wet sunbathed sand and again turn back to count the toe prints?
But what irks me is why I did so, so passively, so sub-consciously?
Am I giving mundanity an upper hand in my life?Am I letting life carry me away on the same beaten path?
Whatever happened to the erstwhile me…whatever happened to Wildflower…!
For the girl who chased shadows...
Hey, look at our shadows
Do they look happy?
No, they don't, right?
Or may be they do...
But my shadow looks thinner, hai na?
And an inch or two taller, than I am.
O My hair! It looks like a tree...I hate that.
And you look like a tower.
And this is mischievous yaa'!
You look closer to me there, than you are.
It looks like we are holding hands or something like that.
But we aren't, right?
As we walk into the light
Our shadows dissolve in it
I turn to find you by my side
And see you're not here...
PS: I was sitting alone on that table for two…that sultry afternoon, after a tired day. Sitting alone, not staring at people for a change. I was looking out of the window. At the setting sun from among the leaf-less branches of a tree. I must have had a distant look in my eyes. I wasn’t where I was. So people smiled at me, did I look insane for average human standards?
I had a cup of tea. That couldn’t quench my quest for warmth. I got another. When I left the table, I neatly arranged the two empty cups, and it looked like two people had been sitting there, and talking about life.
Do they look happy?
No, they don't, right?
Or may be they do...
But my shadow looks thinner, hai na?
And an inch or two taller, than I am.
O My hair! It looks like a tree...I hate that.
And you look like a tower.
And this is mischievous yaa'!
You look closer to me there, than you are.
It looks like we are holding hands or something like that.
But we aren't, right?
As we walk into the light
Our shadows dissolve in it
I turn to find you by my side
And see you're not here...
PS: I was sitting alone on that table for two…that sultry afternoon, after a tired day. Sitting alone, not staring at people for a change. I was looking out of the window. At the setting sun from among the leaf-less branches of a tree. I must have had a distant look in my eyes. I wasn’t where I was. So people smiled at me, did I look insane for average human standards?I had a cup of tea. That couldn’t quench my quest for warmth. I got another. When I left the table, I neatly arranged the two empty cups, and it looked like two people had been sitting there, and talking about life.
~###~
Meek?
How meek?
How dumb?
What handicap can drive you to such horrendous depths of ignominy?
Why are you so shut up?
How meek?
How dumb?
What handicap can drive you to such horrendous depths of ignominy?
Why are you so shut up?
Have you lost everything you had?
Don' you have the will to survive further?
Tell me, what is it that is so killing you?
O’er the days, but it is…
C’mon!
Make an effort, darlin’
I’ll see you thru’
Try and make it happen
It's time
My life is a hell lot complicated. No, it can be pretty simple. But it’s me who makes it so complicated. I am amidst horrible people. I am kinda trapped here. And every passing moment I realize their worsening standards. I meet liars, cheats. And I have begun to absolutely despise questions. So I don’t like people asking me who are above mentioned exponents I meet. Things I see, I can’t explain. Things I explain, I don’t see. This is because I have, gradually learnt what it is like to pretend. I so have to pretend, it has become a compulsion.
Am I frustrated ? Yes. Am I am lonely? Yes. Am I looking? No! Not at all… (People please take note.)
Hopelessly romantic? Almost. But excuse me, my notions about love and romance would differ from many of you. So keep all prejudice away. It’s a flame I don’t want to put off. A passion I can’t afford to lose. And no person, alive or fictitious, can ever measure up to my parameters in love. That’s the way it is and so it shall be.
Bold? Yes that I am. The way I think is definitely outlandish according to average standards. I am wild, so an outcaste.
I can talk at a stretch. But I believe that spasms of the facial muscles say more than words.
And there are times, I am so dumbfounded that I might not speak at all. I love to dig into deeper depths of solitude and silence. And this might not be apparent. But true, it is.
I know my lacunae, more than I know my strengths. I know what fails me. And I am so aware of my future, so sans glamour. How dark could it be? Would I be able to figure my own self out in that darkness?
I like to have friends that understand me. And, in fact only a few can do that. But then I cut myself off from them also. And shut myself in my room all over again.
And also, I am the centre of the universe. My universe. And I can't care any less about the rest of it. And that's the way it is...
.......... :)
'Your face is as thought-inducing as a brewing cup of coffee on a foggy winter night'
'Excuse me?'
'Yes, it is'
'Excuse me?'
'Ok, it isn't'
'Why, what happened to that yes?'
'Confess it! You like it when I admire you.'
'Huh!'
'You do, don you?'
'How should it matter when you have already done that do thousands of other women?'
'Really? Who told you that?'
'Why will anybody have to tell me an obvious truth? I know, I just know...Do I look that foolish or something?'
'No, you look beguiling, with all that saintly calm coated all over you and a demure demeanor to floor any man that talks to you'
Nobody talks for a minute
Then he continues...
'Err...allow me to say, I also like the way you raise that right eyebrow, the left one intact. It tells me that you can pounce on me any moment'
'PREPOSTEROUS!'
'Wo'? You're gonna call me names for that?'
'Worse, I'm gonna send you to jail, sue you!'
'That's all?'
'If that doesn shut u up, I'm gonna scratch every part of you with these long nails I've got. Long enough, aren't they?'
'Aw! I can't wait to be...scratched'
'You surprise me with your patience. Hadn't I asked you not to try all your dirty trick on me? Why don you get it? It jus doesn work out'
'You leaving?'
'Or should I stay back for more?'
'But who'l pay the bill?'
and they went on and on...!
'Excuse me?'
'Yes, it is'
'Excuse me?'
'Ok, it isn't'
'Why, what happened to that yes?'
'Confess it! You like it when I admire you.'
'Huh!'
'You do, don you?'
'How should it matter when you have already done that do thousands of other women?'
'Really? Who told you that?'
'Why will anybody have to tell me an obvious truth? I know, I just know...Do I look that foolish or something?'
'No, you look beguiling, with all that saintly calm coated all over you and a demure demeanor to floor any man that talks to you'
Nobody talks for a minute
Then he continues...
'Err...allow me to say, I also like the way you raise that right eyebrow, the left one intact. It tells me that you can pounce on me any moment'
'PREPOSTEROUS!'
'Wo'? You're gonna call me names for that?'
'Worse, I'm gonna send you to jail, sue you!'
'That's all?'
'If that doesn shut u up, I'm gonna scratch every part of you with these long nails I've got. Long enough, aren't they?'
'Aw! I can't wait to be...scratched'
'You surprise me with your patience. Hadn't I asked you not to try all your dirty trick on me? Why don you get it? It jus doesn work out'
'You leaving?'
'Or should I stay back for more?'
'But who'l pay the bill?'
and they went on and on...!
Memoirs of DnD!
I didn’t even blink before I deleted the last message I had sent long ago. I was trying to get over memories, get over a hang-over…get over all my sleepless nights, all my failures. I wished I could start afresh, start anew, start a-numb. I keep my cell phone clean. There is not a single name in my call-list, not a single message in my inbox. I never cease to delete those names because, when I look at those names, I get a feel that there are other people in my life besides myself. And all I want to believe right now is that there is not a soul around me, and I want to really relish being so alone, so-so alone in this world. This, in fact is, the truth.
To want to be taken on a flight, short leaps and jumps in lustful air…falls beyond my reach, for now and forever.
My body wants to hide beneath layers of flesh and blood, the thousand wishes that have perturbed my thoughts for years now. As she has never been as wild as my mind is. Nor will ever be.
My mind needs to be engulfed in a musical silence, and she wants to be carried away, away and away, into unknown terrains of unchartered glee. Everlasting latitude.
But more than that, my mind wants to be left alone for now and forever. I really really want to relish being so alone, so-so alone in this even lonelier world.
I want to be seated on shiny staircases, throughout breezy midnights, and feel my hair brush my back. I want fingers to twirl around fingers, and love to rise back to life, like a phoenix.
Is this lust? If it is, then I lust for more…!
To want to be taken on a flight, short leaps and jumps in lustful air…falls beyond my reach, for now and forever.
My body wants to hide beneath layers of flesh and blood, the thousand wishes that have perturbed my thoughts for years now. As she has never been as wild as my mind is. Nor will ever be.
My mind needs to be engulfed in a musical silence, and she wants to be carried away, away and away, into unknown terrains of unchartered glee. Everlasting latitude.
But more than that, my mind wants to be left alone for now and forever. I really really want to relish being so alone, so-so alone in this even lonelier world.
I want to be seated on shiny staircases, throughout breezy midnights, and feel my hair brush my back. I want fingers to twirl around fingers, and love to rise back to life, like a phoenix.
Is this lust? If it is, then I lust for more…!
In Pursuit of Happyness
'How art thou?'
'Trying to be happy!'
'What?'
'I said trying to be happy...'
'What's that? You're either happy, or you aren't. How can you try to be...happy?'
Hadn't cared much about this statement then. That was way back.
But now,
Yes, one can try to be happy. I am trying to be happy. Precisely because there is no
reason to be...not happy, unhappy, sad.
I have been swaying over whether to write this or not. But let me reveal this once..at least some of it.
Have you heard of withdrawal symptoms? -awkay...U have-
There was a time, when there were many things i wanted to have, at one go. And I
had none of them. I just had hints that i would get them some day.
-is this going very abstract?- -do u get me?-
i chased things...i shed my old aspirations for new ones. i was lost in a hazy maze...
People got to know that i am not as dumb as i look. People got to know that i write.
So many asked me to show my skills by writing them gtalk..messenger status
messages...
Some stooped even lower..asked me write for them..love letters...-okay..this one
was absolutely preposterous-
Many asked me just blurt into a mike...i would stutter and smile but oblige...
Some supposed i am insane- am i not?-
I am loner...so very away from the world i am in...i don't know what's happening right under my nose...
And some days ago, the stress just got too much, i crumbled under the pressure...i
had a complete system breakdown. i would call up my only acquaintance, and cry.
Life started gettin bad to worse. I felt I had nothing. And would have nothing for the rest of my life.
I started having those withdrawal systems.
I-have-had-enough-now
I-shall- sit-back-and-watch
Things went on for some more time. And then one day, i cried just too much. I
caught up with the courage not to care, not to think so much. And surprisingly i liked being that way. And there was this mysterious consolation that
things-will-work-out!
And i decided that i would try to be happy. Little by little, I piled up my efforts. I smiled at people...earlier I din't even look at. I tried to befriend them. I tried to break away from the cocoon I had caged myself in.
I looked down the rusty memory lane. I felt happy. I felt sad. I felt happy-sad. Felt satiated with my hyphenated existence. There are no discrete answers to the
questions of life. Things are a lil fuzzy out here...
There is nothing like...if you're not happy, all you can be is sad...
You can always be trying to be happy...trying to chase the illusion, that happyness
is...
-does this post lack focus?-
-yea-absolutely!-
'Trying to be happy!'
'What?'
'I said trying to be happy...'
'What's that? You're either happy, or you aren't. How can you try to be...happy?'
Hadn't cared much about this statement then. That was way back.
But now,
Yes, one can try to be happy. I am trying to be happy. Precisely because there is no
reason to be...not happy, unhappy, sad.
I have been swaying over whether to write this or not. But let me reveal this once..at least some of it.
Have you heard of withdrawal symptoms? -awkay...U have-
There was a time, when there were many things i wanted to have, at one go. And I
had none of them. I just had hints that i would get them some day.
-is this going very abstract?- -do u get me?-
i chased things...i shed my old aspirations for new ones. i was lost in a hazy maze...
People got to know that i am not as dumb as i look. People got to know that i write.
So many asked me to show my skills by writing them gtalk..messenger status
messages...
Some stooped even lower..asked me write for them..love letters...-okay..this one
was absolutely preposterous-
Many asked me just blurt into a mike...i would stutter and smile but oblige...
Some supposed i am insane- am i not?-
I am loner...so very away from the world i am in...i don't know what's happening right under my nose...
And some days ago, the stress just got too much, i crumbled under the pressure...i
had a complete system breakdown. i would call up my only acquaintance, and cry.
Life started gettin bad to worse. I felt I had nothing. And would have nothing for the rest of my life.
I started having those withdrawal systems.
I-have-had-enough-now
I-shall- sit-back-and-watch
Things went on for some more time. And then one day, i cried just too much. I
caught up with the courage not to care, not to think so much. And surprisingly i liked being that way. And there was this mysterious consolation that
things-will-work-out!
And i decided that i would try to be happy. Little by little, I piled up my efforts. I smiled at people...earlier I din't even look at. I tried to befriend them. I tried to break away from the cocoon I had caged myself in.
I looked down the rusty memory lane. I felt happy. I felt sad. I felt happy-sad. Felt satiated with my hyphenated existence. There are no discrete answers to the
questions of life. Things are a lil fuzzy out here...
There is nothing like...if you're not happy, all you can be is sad...
You can always be trying to be happy...trying to chase the illusion, that happyness
is...
-does this post lack focus?-
-yea-absolutely!-
Palash
One moment I felt so very lonely in this big world.But the void in my life began to fill up as thoughts of Palash trickled into my mind. Palash is everything you would relate everything negative to. He is such a cynic, a misanthrope, a sadist…even then he is as beautiful as fresh gulmohar strewn on green grass. One can’t find a reason to hate him.
When did I meet him? I saw him wave at me, when I had no one of my own to see me off when I was leaving for a place far away. And after that I found Palash on the empty seat beside me.
I like his shirts tucked in. He likes them hanging lose. Every time after class I would find him standing outside, waiting, I would raise my nose at the shirt so mercilessly abandoned, and he would tuck it half in and half out!
Would mutter…’this is the way you strike that perfect neutral’
When he would loiter throwing groundnut shells everywhere, I would stamp his feet hard reminding him the one thousand three hundred and thirty seventh time not to do so, he would quip ‘Lady, that’s just organic waste’
‘Yeah Organic waste, all that your skull has got in it’
Shrewd looks, naughty winks, irrepressible laughter and sticking your tongue out at those tiny nothings are gestures that Palash and I share.
SMS’ with just a smiley in them, calls at 6 30 in the morning asking ‘Let’s talk?’ are the pleasantries we exchange. We leave the constraints of civilization way behind, when we are together. Palash is the only one who can afford to see me at my wildest best!
I like to twist his ears till they literally detach themselves…I like to be a kindergarten-goer with him, yet he brings out the lady in me…so well.
When I just don’t get his certain words, I would be consoled ‘Accent problem, Madame!’
‘But yours is an attitude problem’
People say he indeed has one attitude problem. People say both of us are loners. But we are always together, aren’t we? And people say so many things…
But Palash continues to remain all that he is, as beautiful as fresh gulmohar strewn on green grass. One can’t find a reason to hate him.
When did I meet him? I saw him wave at me, when I had no one of my own to see me off when I was leaving for a place far away. And after that I found Palash on the empty seat beside me.
I like his shirts tucked in. He likes them hanging lose. Every time after class I would find him standing outside, waiting, I would raise my nose at the shirt so mercilessly abandoned, and he would tuck it half in and half out!
Would mutter…’this is the way you strike that perfect neutral’
When he would loiter throwing groundnut shells everywhere, I would stamp his feet hard reminding him the one thousand three hundred and thirty seventh time not to do so, he would quip ‘Lady, that’s just organic waste’
‘Yeah Organic waste, all that your skull has got in it’
Shrewd looks, naughty winks, irrepressible laughter and sticking your tongue out at those tiny nothings are gestures that Palash and I share.
SMS’ with just a smiley in them, calls at 6 30 in the morning asking ‘Let’s talk?’ are the pleasantries we exchange. We leave the constraints of civilization way behind, when we are together. Palash is the only one who can afford to see me at my wildest best!
I like to twist his ears till they literally detach themselves…I like to be a kindergarten-goer with him, yet he brings out the lady in me…so well.
When I just don’t get his certain words, I would be consoled ‘Accent problem, Madame!’
‘But yours is an attitude problem’
People say he indeed has one attitude problem. People say both of us are loners. But we are always together, aren’t we? And people say so many things…
But Palash continues to remain all that he is, as beautiful as fresh gulmohar strewn on green grass. One can’t find a reason to hate him.
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