Weight of the day, won't lift. My shoulders droop in exhaustion and embarassment. What am I doing that I am so weighed down? Nothing of substance. Only the mundane. So what's pushing me down so?
It's only 9 in the morning. My day is already the worst. Everything is falling apart and I am sobbing loudly in public transport. Yeah. So much for being pedestrian.
What cost am I being made to bear? Victim mentality much?
Well atleast I am getting by. There are some who've given up already, long back. Well atleast I am shooting pointless email after email, crumbling to my fears, people pleasing incessantly, sorting my laundry, running errands, buying essentials, screaming at my mother, screaming at my child. But I am still here.
However, I exist only superficially. I exist because people call me. And there is no deeper reason for my existence. I have eroded over the years into nothing. Depreciated into zilch.
But that doesn't matter. Because all that, I take cognizance of. I am one hundred percent aware of these futilities having engulfed me and shat me out.
So why am I stooping so low for the half dozen bags I carry? Why can't I be erect, why can't my chest fluf up. How dare I cry in public transport. I ought to be stronger because I am aware of these defaults and my perseverance to be this person, despite.
But my day weighs me down. Relentlessly, every day, every night. Making me a comatose jaywalker in the day and an owl like insomniac all night.
1 comment:
Your words really struck me.
Not giving up is truly important. I do not know what advice to give for lifting the weight off of your shoulders. When we are tired and overwhelmed for a long time tiredness and being overwhelmed become woven into our image of ourselves. I can only advise to find a bit of time, 10-15 minutes every day if possible to just disconnect and do something that gives you contentment (I suggest something that is small and quick and doesn't need a long time to prepare for). I hope that that is even a smidge helpful.
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