In the Land of Women

Waiting alone on a Saturday afternoon, resisting to order a cappuccino right away is not the most pleasant thing to do. Worse, when one has a slightly tremulous mood to deal with. I was looking beyond the glass walls, trying to catch a recognizable face in the crowd, between erratic intervals of time, wondering if she was stuck in traffic, or if she had forgotten the meeting altogether. I rummaged through my purse, fished out the cellphone, almost clicked the last dialed number which was his, to ask if he had taken the pains to remind her that I was here waiting, not ordering cappuccino. But promised myself a deadline of another five minutes and placed it on the table, waiting for it to beep or something. That's the problem, I always wait for a call, rather than making it myself, it isn't as a big a deal as I make out of it, or is it?

Meeting his sister was the first big step. Rather a leap. Getting to know her was the first tick in fulfilling the Terms & Conditions for marrying him. And we are very particular about our T&Cs. She, being the younger sibling, must have been the more pampered one. When it came to me, he was no good at pampering you know. Calling me 'sweetie' was all about it. But she was brought up like some princess, I was made to assume. So was I expected to treat her like one? I hadn't the slightest idea, as I fidgeted and watched her enter the cafe'. The many photos of her that I had seen, all those mental snapshots of hers, embedded with his dictations of her mannerisms, left me momentarily. She wasn't as tall as her brother, thank God! The walk was no less suave though.

Smiles felt more than obvious. It was supposed to be all goody-goody. Except that I was a total carnivore compared to her religiously vegan habits. And I wasn't told so, unfortunately. The man always skips intricate details, rare trait in the family considering his sister's carefully manicured nails. I began hunting for the color of her nails in her dress. We do all that, don't we? She too must have been toying around with ideas and visions, colors and emotions, and me in her mind. Now that I was stealing her brother away, or so we felt.

Distortions of a Disturbed Mind!

Last night, I dreamt that we were getting married. It struck me bad, because I got to know what was inside my subconscious. Because dreams are the voice of the subconscious. They say, subconscious is the repository of the things that you have been trying to push down inside your mind, deny, forget. And these make themselves heard in our dreams. We dream of what we have been trying to deny. I am shocked because I thought what I thought was actually what I thought. But apparently it wasn't so. I was trying to convince myself there is not a thing that has a future between us. And I had all the reason to justify it to myself. I was battling myself for days now. Last night before falling asleep I felt that I had tasted success, finally! But I dreamt of marrying you! I couldn't have been more of a contradiction than this.

Ar8! This was the happiest dream I ever had, or remember having. I was, yeah, pretty happy. It was set up in my ancestral home, and I was talking to my mother with a serious face. I think I saw you too, in the dream. Walking about. My mother asked you, for the one final time, 'Are you really going to marry this girl?' I was worried waiting for your answer, trampling my fingers, God my palms are going sweaty even while typing this! And you just smiled. I was so relieved, so happy. When I woke up I assumed that all that had happened for real, for a fraction of a minute. And then the joke of it sunk into me. It's weird, to the extent of being sick!

I don't know how to deal with this. We need to talk!

Ugly Truth

I love the salsa sequence in The Ugly Truth, Gerard Butler just drags a reluctant Katherine to the dance floor, and the chemistry is magical, intoxicating. Gerard Butler, the guy from PS I Love You, he will always live as that character inside my mind. It is not that I am crazy about that movie, but there was this thing about it, I'll tell you. After her husband dies, suddenly, poor young Hillary Swank has nowhere to go. After his funeral she keeps calling her dead husband's phone to listen to his voice on the answering machine, to cheat herself to sleep. That is the scene I can't get over, because missing someone is such a desperate feeling, it has been giving me this headache for days now, my appetite is dead.

When I loved, I loved with total surrender. I let things happen to me. I let all my guards down. I din't care if it was really worth it. I din't care if the consequences of love, the estrangement, could be self-destructive. And it took some passion to do that, I tell you. Loving like an Angel. Words fall short, words can't ever describe the madness, the will to go to any extent for the sake of love. Letting some stranger of a person, into your life, giving him every single right to hurt you, in all the ways possible, is not just worth it, it is also Wrong.

Yeah, wrong. I should have held on to myself longer. I should have sharpened my defenses. I should have never let him in. I should have never got myself hurt, this hurt. May be I should have thought about the consequences. I should have never loved.

incomplete..

She: I'm reading a book these days. It's called Committed.
He: So you're done with all that Nicholas Sparks stuff?
She: Nope, I kinda paused that book to read this new one
He: So what is this Committed thing about?
She: What is it about? ..(Laughs)
He: What's funny?
She: No, nothing is funny, but the fact that the book, is about us.
He: You tipped the guy to write one on us eh?
She: It's a she, actually
He: ..and the name doesn't at all sound like all the darn feminist stuff u're so into sometimes..
She: It's about two people who are in love a lot but have decided not to ever get married

And I don't anymore feel like completing this..

koel

the first time i met koel she was a bird who sang sitting on a random branch of an unknown tree near my window in the early mornings of late February. she made me realise how tied up i was by the unwanted things in my life then. i wanted to be left in the wild like her and be onmy own. break the shackles or things that seemed so..like shackles

the second time i met koel she had become a girl that wrote everything in plump letters in hard bound note books with coarse dirty white sheets of paper. sometimes i took time off some time and stared at the ink sink into the paper. those letters were going to stay forever. i am the one who is effervescent. koel had thin eyes above plump cheeks. she had anwers to any question asked and neatly performed zoology experiments sitting beside me in a laboratory that smelled ancient. that koel must have become a doctor now.

the third koel i met was a river. i never went to her though. i always heard she was a quiet river that flowed lining in the borders of the hilly town i lived in for years. i wanted to go to her bed once or twice to see the sunrise or sunset. but many warned me that there lived dangerously uncouth fishermen or muggers. so i did never visited koel. nevertheless she came to me in my thoughts and dreams..i imagined stretches of lonely sand on dusty evenings. there must have been wild winds, and trees whose silhouttes made it impossible for me to recognise them. i saw stray dogs and a sad sunset. a reddish-blackish-reddish sky. i was happy i never madeit to koel, that i thought would have stopped me from dreaming so ..