The Dissappearing Act

Your classic disappearing act. Post facto, I now know that it was an orchestrated act. But in that moment, in those moments, in those bygone years, they felt like accidents. Probably, you were just busy. Too much work. Too many presentations. Too pushy a boss, may be. Or could be that you went out for a beer after work with your buddies and forgot to call. That night. The night after that. And dozens of such nights afterward. Or were you just tired, didn't want me to see your fallible self? No, that couldn't be. I was a delicately forgiving girl. The answer was simple, you just forgot. About me. 

As I turned myself inside out. You know, and such.

How could you? 

It was my fault. I never asked. I let you off easy. 

But can I now, travel back in time and sue you? For negligence. For apathy. For pulling off your treacherous disappearing act. And not once or twice. Several times, if I may. 

You held out a mirage of niceness when you appeared back again. It made me forget. But that shouldn't have been that way. 

I should've held some ground. I didn't. 

But now, when I don't even bother to think about you, I learned somewhere that disappearing on your near ones is typical drug addict behavior. You pulled it off with such panache, were you one of those?

And your drug of choice, was by no chance me, was I.

Still can't believe, you outsmarted me, so well. Man.

So much poetry for zilch.

big fat lie

with soft steps, you enter my world, break one inhibition after another, without causing the slightest hurt, you tell me that an 'us' exists, without saying a word, you stand by me when i need you the most, bring magic into my life, scoop-fulls of happyness, with each passing day, you know me more, the beats of my heart, stumble every now and then, with the fear of losing you, the want to always have you close, just to look at you smile, create compulsive emotions, this crazy fixation, oh baby, what do i do!

now your eyes are pools, deep in them i can see your soul, and now your eyes are mirrors, i can see my own self inside you, your warmth makes me feel so secure, you make life so much more worth living, you make me want to make time stop, you know like, to hold our moments tight in my hands, and never let them go, like baby oh!

but everything i just said is a lie, my heart has been broken so many times baby, and so badly everytime, i have become too good at lying, at fantasizing, and day dreaming, i would do anything inside my mind, but i wouldn't take the risk of love ever again in life, not for you, not even for me, i have just had my share of crap baby, no more, no more oh baby, what do i do!

oh baby oh! 

rela\pse

It takes getting used to. Words change their meanings. Sometimes you don't know if there is anything left you could still talk about. The set of your topics shrinks so much. The change is unbearably abrupt. Nah! it is quite bearable, but having a relapse is just too tempting. The boundaries of human patience are pushed to degrees where they just might give away. It is ridiculous I know, but loneliness eats into your cerebellum. It gets so fucking pathetic that it could kill your being. Memories make frequent visits, like unwanted guests.

Love has all these tantrums before it empties your heart. Like a tenant that never paid any rent and wouldn't get out either. You chose to end it because it wouldn't go anywhere. You chose to end it because you thought you deserved better than the ache.

You chose to end it and tried so much, so much to make life normal and possible without love. You would get back to smoking if it gave you another mere engagement. You talked to walls. You cried your pillow wet when alone, screamed at friends who had no idea what the hell you were going through. All that, just to move on. But even after all that self imposed penance, a relapse seems so easy. So easy, what soft putty are human hearts made of, tell me somebody!

It takes getting used to. It takes time, and quite a lot of it.

Shadow

i live amongst shadows. i wander amongst a swarm of forgettable faces, shadows of course are very forgettable. here, nothing lasts. but once in a while, a nascent after~thought makes itself visible and lingers on till sleep comes over.


i was talking about shadows. a new one has emerged out of the light lately. i know it's not him. he knows he's not him. we both sigh with relief. due to this surity, there is not a question between us. we wouldn't last, we know.. not beyond tonite.

in the dark when our fingers touch and a chill runs down our senses, we hold our breath in that moment and not mourn its lack in the next. we take each other's breath away. like virgin shower on parched earth, like wine to a lost traveller.


this aint love. love is everlasting. this is anything but love. this is lust. and so be it..

lust binds me to this new shadow..

i live amongst shadows. i wander amongst a swarm of forgettable faces, shadows of course are very forgettable. here, nothing lasts. but once in a while, a nascent after~thought makes itself visible and lingers on till sleep comes over..