@ ccd

Sitting snug and smug in rooms with walls of glass and trying to guess if it was actually drizzling outside, or just the day-long dust that caused the haze appeared to be the most practical time-killer for me.

By now I had by-hearted the faces of the people sitting in the table next to mine. The chick had been nibbling something for the past one hour. She was so thin. (So- so thin!)Her hair straight-n-shiny hair fell on her shoulder in an oh-so-enviable way. The guy with her bent over the table to get an inch closer.

Also I had stared at the every possible corner at a stretch of at least five minutes.

I was running out of faces to study, and imagine things about.

‘Oh! This Damned thing!’

‘Nothing gets over in one go!’

‘Why? Is it just me!’

‘Will I get swallowed in a matter of minutes?’

‘Swallowed by forces I never would know?’

It was then that I raised my eyes to look at the person with me. Yeah, did I not tell you, that this rainy useless Sunday afternoon; I was actually not alone, sipping coffee. There was someone sitting right next to me. ‘X’ is preposterous. Let ‘A’ be the name.

Like half an hour ago, A was still busy with the frappe’. Man, how slow can one go about things? C’mon, your life couldn’t have been more messed up than mine.

Since to spark a conversation with A was a far cry, I would turn back to guessing if it was actually drizzling or it was the day long dust that caused the haze.

Time and again, I would turn to my own cup. Somehow I can never manage to hate coffee the way I hate other things. I tried to see ma face in the dark brown liguid.

But I couldn’t concentrate on that either. As in I couldn’t get away and plunge into an irrelevant chain of thoughts again. Because I kept on waiting for the frappe’ to finish. So that we could get done, and get gone.

I would look at the cars on the road for a moment. Dozens of funky people packed, awaiting the last blast of their happening weekends so that Monday morning, they could get back to their lives afresh. Lots of people. All unknown to me, and still I thought about them. People who’d never belong to this city, people, each one of whom had a past. And thanks to the adaptive human brain, each one was at peace, or was at least in the process of finding glee. Everyone in some screwed up race, with no finishing line. Why? I almost said that aloud, “Why?”

/*Three things that I need in life*/
/*I, coffee & you!*/

Hanging out alone on long lonely roads a lot after sun-set; brooding behind shut doors with the lights off is so much me. It’s not that I don’t have friends, but basically I’m a loner. I live a life inside myself. Bending down and looking into the dark deep tunnel that I am, I’m not sure if I would end up with anything sensible after any span of time. But then the end has hardly ever mattered.
/*Thoughts doing rounds*/
/*The thinking-man’s-fantasy is just a hypothesis because the thinking-man is just an oxymoron*/

Love & Peace!

Don’t be so good to me; I just in case could fall in love with you. And then I would have a new horde of problems to tackle. Don’t smile at me, when I expect you to. Don’t hold out your hand for me, every now and then. Don’t pull out a chair for me, before you sit. Don’t hold the door open for me. Don’t make me feel that you’re trying to understand me…always.

Don’t be so good to me; I just in case could fall in love with you. And then I would have a new horde of problems to tackle. Though you’re not that bad, I would have to coax myself day in and day out to believe that you’re not that good either. And that you’re just not the right guy, though you’re good at who you are.

Don’t be so good to me; I just in case could fall in love with you. I would have to stop my head from swinging in music whenever you are around. And keep it away from sinking into layers of mushy thought, with me and you in them. So, don’t try to touch my heart. Don’t dare to disturb my life at present, I’m so much at peace.

Today, I saw three butterflies circle a hedge. They were yellow- green in color. And the hedge was two shades darker. And it was quite a scene for me. Three of them, in a wild frenzy, dancing around each other, in some rhythm I could only faintly sense.

And just a bush away, there was a yellow butterfly, a solitary one doing rounds, looking for a flower.

I couldn’t find a single one that came with those printed wings. The prints that we never understand. Dots of maroon amongst lines of red, a splash of fuchsia here and green there. Green is to camouflage. To disappear into another green.

Then I noticed a flower that had grown out of a creeper, among short grass. The flower looked at me. Mundane flower. Dumb flower?

There are these few things, as beautiful as the dust rising as new rain falls on it, or the smell of the unruly monsoon grass being massacred.

And then I saw a shrub they call table rose. I say, why get it on your table? It looks better out there, in the wild.

And when I was a step away from home, I saw one with the colored wings brush past. It was too fast for me to notice the colors it wore. But nevertheless.

Now that I’ll cease to exist, the question is
if you’ll remember me after I’m gone

Will you remember me?
When failure kills me or a catastrophe swallows me

Now that you hold me in your heart
and call me your goddess

What next, when tomorrow I die
or fade into oblivion

Or dissolve into the horizon
from where I’d emerged

Will you wait for me
to appear as a string in the rainbow?

Will you walk endless evenings
for me to come back as a gust of cold wind?

Will you remember me?



/*I keep the template not anything but black because no other color rescues my thoughts better*/

/*Musical Mood : Ye Tumahri Meri Baatein*/

I slid the key into the hole. Pushed the door open, like everyday, got in and shut myself from everything else.

Should I leave the lights switched on everyday when I leave at 10 am? Because when I come back home, it's somewhat late in the evening and the place is dark. And darkness, if it is the first thing I see, makes me go dizzy.

I run to the other side of the room to switch the lights on. Throw my bag on the floor. And then my shoes. I feel my toes, run my fingers in between them. Open my hair. And simply fall on the couch. I let myself sink into it. I love the depths the cushion lets me into. And then the lights go off and I'm out. Completely.

I wake up. 12:45 and still ticking!

The ache in my legs, fatigued has thinned down into something less magnanimous. I look at myself in the mirror. Black smudge around my eyes. I run my hands through my hair. Not silky anymore. That reminds me of the weekend.

After a shower, let some coffee go down the throat. Stale sandwiches of the morning would have to be my dinner.

Some music eh? I have worn all my playlists out. So switch back to good old Shakira!

Wasn't I working on a story? Stories? Yeah, scores of them in obscure folders. Waiting to be wound up from an eternity.

One look out of the window, I see the endless row of lights on the road, tiny lights, distant lights. I stretch my hands and lean on the window sill. I could just fall off.

There is this yearning to fly, batting my hands through the air. Cold and lonely air. I lean further out, even more precariously, more dangerously. Till more than half of me is in the air.

I have never been afraid of danger. I have never been afraid of heights. Of death. But now...

I Ain't Amused At All

I have seen far too many
So you're nothing new

Think you're too good huh?
Keep your goodness to yourself

Too much of an attitude ain't good for the soul
Get down from the heavens, dumb fool!

You foul-mouthed idiot
Mark my words, you snob

Or they will come to you
Sooner or Later

No matter who you are
And what you do

In the end,
It doesn't even matter

When the sun sets
The bird flies back to the roost, unless you're an owl

Stay away!

Keep your attitude to yourself
I have enough of my own

Look Famous...!

It’s been months when I had last confessed a well kept secret. So, let’s undo that trend now.


I have had an off-beat childhood. I am not to blame anyone for it. But, I have just had one. Fortunately or unfortunately, I don’t know. Now, talking about the off-beat childhood, it was obviously enclosed. I never happened to see things for what they were. All I did was, get up the school bus from right in-front of my apartment, go to school, study hard, come back home, study harder, wait for the tuition teacher, and maintain that rank in class…

I never dared to venture out of this badly crammed up routine thing. Anything different from this would appear abnormal. And I never let anything abnormal happen.

My life was constrained, restricted in every sense of the word.

So I never got to know the world. And the world never got to know me. My mind developed strange patterns and I developed a phobia of quite a large number of things.

And all this happened before the day I stepped into college. College just freaked me out.
I got a glimpse of the things actually. And since I came to know more of the world around me, I wanted the world to know me too.

Yeah, it’s a queer thing to confess, but I genuinely wanted people to know me. For whatever the reasons be. They should just know me by face. I should be famous among whatever people I am.

And I took this becoming famous job, more seriously than I should have. It screwed up my priorities in life. Messed things up, because I thought more about what people thought about me than what I thought about myself.

So, one day, I told myself that I had had enough. I called it quits. Enough of trying to become famous and all. I am what I am.

But then life gives these tiny li’l surprises. I, actually, was famous…well..sort of…!

Intact

All of it still lives
the innocence in my eyes
the undying patience to see you home

i still cage vivid memories of your face
the promises that you silently made

the assurance in your voice, when we met last

the way my heart paced
when your fingers slipped out of mine
the one final time....

nothing's changed, take my word

rub a li'l below my scars
and you'l get wounds as fresh
as you left them

No time can heal them
It's all safe & intact
In the chambers of my heart

 

Victory

One moment I’m basking in glory
And this moment is to last forever…

The Problem of Choice

Whenever life has bestowed upon me the luxury of choice, I
have invariably longed for the one that's not so good.
Way back in school, from I had chosen Oriya instead of
Sanskrit. My excuse was that I actually loved the former.
My love fetched me a mere 83 in boards. Sankrit guys
crushed me with their thunderous 99s.

In college I chose Biology to Statistics for reasons known
only to the holy heavens. I loved Biology? no-no! I took it
because it was tougher. Yah! I'm attracted to tough things
(no pun intended...) But one thing I would remember for the
rest of my life was cramming the morphology of the human
brain on my scooty, on my way to the exam hall.

Later in engineering, I 'preferred' Electrical to Computer
Science. For some godforsaken senior quitely whispered into
my ears that the Compsci Dept wasn't up-to-d-mark! But I
never cared to find out what the Electrical Dept was like

Now, I have slogged for four long years. No, I actually
macerated! Plus, ended up with nothing in my hands...!

So all the conscious choices I made, ditched me. They
ditched me hard & bad. But I was not convinced by history
repeating itself over and over again.

I did it again. I made the absurd choice of love. But the love
dumped me too.

But the most pathetic thing of all things is that I don't have
any regrets. yup! Absolutely none...I have absolutely loved
learning things the hard waY!

Suicide note

By the time you read this, I would be long gone. For long I
wanted to know what exactly happened after death. And
finally I would know...

I have no qualms, I hold no one responsible for my death.
It's all me, me and me. I am my nemesis.

Though I would mention one thing, the world and its people
weren't good enough for me. I was always treated like an
outsider. My expectations were crushed. I was crushed.

So finally I have decided to call it a day. It's been a long long
time, and I have had enough. So we shall finish it once and
for all.

I am not a coward or an escapist. I'm choosing a dignified way
of ending a vestigial life.

So, I'm being rather brave, I don't want to live like a piece of
flesh. My life should have been the way I wanted it to. Or it
would not be at all...

Goodbye all

Love

wildflower

Their eyes met and parted, almost instantaneously
Eyes that know each other, do not look away that fast.
But with strangers it's a different thing you know...

There were human voices, so many that they condensed into a noise that submerged into the back of their brains.

And in a mad crowd like that it's natural for two strangers to fade into oblivion. To never look at each other again.

But eyes met again. And before they were to part, she felt his eyes hold on to her for a moment more. Did he know her?

'No!', she told herself...Nobody here is supposed to know me. I am not supposed to be visible. She laughed to herself.

She was sitting on the stairs...she saw herself in the shiny black marble that the floor was tiled with. Looked up at people walking on that distant road. From where she was, everything looked so distant, so alien to the world she lived in...

She tossed her hair back, the way it brushed her back always felt good, she continued doing that and staring into the semi-lit darkness.

Unconscious of her own existence, her mind stretched into the thoughts of an infinite nothing.

She tried to lengthen her mind's stay in the real world, but she kept falling into depths of an hypothetical abyss. The more she would fall into it, the more lost and free she would feel.

She crossed her legs on those shiny black marble stairs...tossed her hair backwards and it again kept falling on her shoulders.

And the stranger couldn't look away anymore. What was he looking at?

At her soul underneath layers of skin and flesh...?

Her mind juggling between possibilities and impossibilities and his kept sinking into her...

~~##~~

Our feet sink deeper into the sand as we take every new step. You begin to lean on my shoulders. And I feel like I’m dragging you along with me. You’re talking like insane. But I want you to sink into deeper levels of irreversible insanity. I look at the distant waves, layers of white foam emerging out of the sea pitch dark, and then vanishing into the same. And yet again, I look at you. You’ve almost lost it. What could have made you so drunk? Is it the alcohol, or is it something else? Is it me? Can you even walk like a man? Can you even find home?
pic courtesy: internet!

the Jamun tree

I can remember the sickle-shaped jamun tree. Rain fresh. And lush green. I remember staring at it from the opposite bank of the river. Fearing the brown flood waters of the river that kept me away from the jamun tree, I wondered if there was actually a crocodile that lived underneath. And the clever monkey on the jamun tree. And whether the clever monkey had ever asked the crocodile to ferry him across to the other side. And whether the crocodile had asked for the monkey’s heart in return for the ride.

I had been told that the heart of the clever monkey who devoured bunch after bunch of purple ripe jamun was supposed to have a heart with all the coagulated sweetness in it. Or so the crocodile thought. And was hence greedy to eat the monkey’s heart once and for all.

And in the middle of the swirling waters when the crocodile paused for a moment, looked at the monkey on his back and asked for his heart. The monkey stayed mum. The crocodile threatened him.

Then monkey, clever that he was, said that he had left his heart back on the jamun tree. He would hand it over as soon as they reach the bank.

The crocodile readily agreed.

Upon reaching the other bank, the clever monkey shot up the branches and khee-khee-d from up there at the crocodile.

‘How can anyone live without his heart? You foolish crocodile.’

m@D gUrL--PART I

there is this guy in my class. i dont even know his name for sure. it could be some name starting with s. from the very first day when i entered the class, i looked for good faces as i have always done in the past. my eyes froze with his. but somehow i tried not to let him know that i had liked it.

we all know it happens. we all know shit happens. 'so girl, wind up! enough forthe day, shirk him off your brains', i cajoled myself. my friend told me that he had talked to her the other day. now this friend of mine being very beautiful, it's generally the case of guys coming upto her and talking to her and stuff. so i sighed some relief breathing into myself...' oh! just another guy then!'

the class ended. i walked home for weekend. i plugged in my earphones. walked the road, alone in the evening. and to do away with the fatigue, i closed my eyes for a brief while while listening to one of my all time favorites.

and after a minute or two when i opened my eyes, i was aghast. 'o my god! i was thinking about him, what is this? have i gone crazy? o my god, i was supposed to be a grown up by now'

then as saturday ran out, i watched more and more of TV. read a novel half through. and sunday, i got up at noon. ran errands, changed the water in the acquarium, did all sorts of stuff, until one quiet moment i sat down with myself and flashes of his smile ran before the eyes of my mind. and it was then that i couldn't help slipping into some indulgence. ' o c'mon, it's just a face.
mind needs a face to feed upon right? nothing wrong with it if you don't fall for him...carry on!'

monday morning, when i entered class, almost automatically my eyes scanned all the faces and stopped for a second at his. and i felt a pinch at my heart when i realised that he was already looking at me. but then that was quite natural, isn't it? anyone would normally look at the door if a latecomer standing there whispers 'may i get in?' or something like that.

so there is nothing like he-liking-me or any bullshit. i walked to an empty chair straight. and it happened to be next to his. there really was not another single empty chair in the class. or if there was, it was invisible to me.

a minute later even before the first question was written on the board, he screamed some answer. and this shook off the rest of the sleep in my eyes. i get a complex from the people performing better than me. and i find it hard to accept failure.

thankfully, whatever answer that was, it was wrong. i heard him gasp in pain. so i relaxed a little, and told myself, ' what does he think of himself huh!'

but this was not to last. he was the first person to answer almost every question correctly. and this was somewhat unbelievable to me. i would not even try a question or two thinking it to be of no use. anyway he would blurt the answer out in a couple of nanoseconds.

i felt crippled and pathetic. and all the more impressed.

later, to some question, Mr. whatever was obviously the first to answer. But i came out with some answer different from his and shouted it aloud. And then he looks at me. okay, let me confess, we look at each other. our eyes meet for the first time and he smiles and says "yeah..your's is the correct one!"

when the teacher asked who had given the correct answer, he says"yes sir, the both of us."and smiles again.

'what? what did he just say?'

later wherever i go, i find him. and the fun part is that before i find him out, he already would have found me out. the day's kinda ridiculous.

in the garage, he asks me about studies in general. he asks me, not my beautiful friend! how can that be?

anyway, i never let anyone go who asks me about studies. i blurt out all my frustration almost in one long breath. and than after this all he smiles. i hold back, 'may be he would like to ask something else'.

nothing happens. we leave.

the next day, again the empty chair next to him becomes mine. and the entire class i try to concentrate and remove him completely from my peripheral range of view. i had been almost successful.

while we leave, my friend says, "the guy next to you...i guess he's got a tiny something for you."
"err...a tiny what?"
"come on, don't be an @$$. I caught him staring at you almost ten times", she giggled...!!!

And then I got home and wrote two poems f0r him.

It was a black and white picture. Now I have it framed and it sits on the wooden showcase in my living room. To its right I have placed the vase that you’d given me then. It has no flowers. So that just the vase reminds me of you every time I look at it.

There is nothing much around the place such that whenever I sink into the couch and kill a pillow between my arms, all I can see is the black and white picture.

And you are staring out of it. I look at you and our eyes meet. And my mind travels back to the days when we’d just a few days in hand. The look on your face is that of suppressed laughter. You played safe, not knowing when the camera would click.

I look at the glint in your eyes. A glint that sometimes feels like everything to me.

But I can’t look into your eyes for a moment longer. I couldn’t then. And I can’t now. I start shaking and my hair stands up. I lower my gaze.

And there's me. Not looking at the camera but at you.

It was near my computer, remember? I didn’t know when you’d popped up.

‘We’r gonna get our picture done? WoW! Lemme do my hair…!’

‘Please…one minute..okay…fifteen seconds?’

And then suddenly you rushed to my side, asked me to face the cam and smile. In my chair, you standing beside me, I was still looking up at you and complaining, and it got clicked.

And that second froze forever. For me to sink into my couch and stare at it years later.

Your hands quietly lay on the rim of my chair. Felt like you would never let go.
Felt like one dream that should have come to true.

A dusk
Sunset has colored the sky
And we're biking into infinity

A speed so high
That I cant breathe anymore
That the wind pierces into my skin

To breakfree
I let my hands off your shoulders
Stretch them out and scream our names

I wait
For my voice to strike a mountain
And come back to me

But sad
Our names get lost in the air
I bite my lips & you turn back

Your small eyes
A spark of mischief in them
And you gimme goosebumps

I die
When your lips twist
And the smile reaches the whole of your cheeks

Later
I smile to myself
And I pat my back, I've loved a rebel

Dini

“Dini… the sides of your chapattis aren’t baked at all…c’mon this way your mom-in-law will throw you out of her house…”

“And Dini, what is this? You’re getting darker by the minute. I’m getting Garnier Sun Block for you, and you’re having to wear that... okay?”

“What the hell Dini. Facing the computer day in and out, your glasses are getting thicker. I won’t take you to the doc this time around. Nor would I let anyone take you. One should pay for her actions…”

“Be a girl Dini…what is that bird’s nest doing on your head hun? Want to make your hair look like Shakira’s hun? The next thin’ I’m gonna make sure is that poster of hers goes straight to the dustbin…!”

“Wear clothes Dini honey. Not leaves. And I don’t include three-fourths when I say clothes!!!”

“Dini honey, no more chewing gum at home, promise me…sweetie”

“And who is it that you’re stuck to on the phone every night? Not some guy I suppose?”

“Next time we’re having relatives, do me a favor. Fold your hands and utter a namaste before I beg you to. It’s so embarrassing for me to ask you.”

“Dini, leave that paint brush alone, that hasn’t earned you anything in life. And it’ll neither do in future…I bet!”

“Seven mugs of coffee a night will render you insomniac. You know what kinds of health problems await you when you’ll be my age?”

“Your inbox is overflowing Dini. Who’s maddy? And Abby? And all these people I don’t know? Have sane friends please. Call them home for dinner. I’ll tell you which ones not to keep. Bad company is the worst thing that can happen to you now.”

“And stop speaking like Meg Ryan after you’ve seen Harry met Sally for the umpteenth time. We shall have to incinerate the DVD otherwise…”

“Dini…”

“Are you listening to me…? Or just nodding with earphones plugged in? Hmm??”

Alive!

i'l take ma mind on a long ride
chew the stick of that lollipop till it makes me nauseatic
lie down on ma bed, look at the burst of colors in the sky

look at the boughs of the old coconut give up to the wind

watch ma skin go up in blisters as the sun pours down

one vehicle after another, spitting smoke on ma face

tho' i haven' reached a stalemate
life is just a lil sluggish

i'm running slow

breathing slow
...& i'm alive...

'coz that's all one can ever be!

PS: If at all I made you think, that this was just another shitty piece of poetry, you're mistaken

what you read was ma 200th post...!

Not Yet...

Am I calling it quits, finally?
Has rhythm abandoned me?
Am I not hungry for peace anymore?

When did I leave that desire to tip-toe thru’ the hours of dawn, on wet sunbathed sand and again turn back to count the toe prints?

But what irks me is why I did so, so passively, so sub-consciously?

Am I giving mundanity an upper hand in my life?Am I letting life carry me away on the same beaten path?

Whatever happened to the erstwhile me…whatever happened to Wildflower…!