Phantom

You promised me you would meet me at the station but you wouldn’t. I undertook a journey of hundreds of miles for you. But you wouldn’t show. You were a secret i shared only with myself. So who would i cry to? I sulked for hours after  boarding the train. I didn’t have a reserved ticket. Making room in the general compartment, i sat and imagined if you had asked me to come or i had imagined it all. Then my mind further slipped and wondered whether you yourself were a phantom, altogether. Unreal, but too huge to ignore. There right beside but untouchable. My thoughts meandered up and about too much, i positively asked myself to shut up. Probably people were staring at me. Their glares grew hotter. My stomach burned but i wasn’t hungry. I wasn’t thirsty but someone offered me water. I ignored and looked away. I felt everyone was converging into me, like a centrifuge. The train was hurtling through jungles. Dacoit infested. Gun wielding.  No dearth of petty thieves either. Everyone clutch on to your bags. Everyone clutch on to your dear lives. Someone said there were seats in the sleeper compartment. Those who were suffocating should get down at the next station and move to the sleeper. I couldn’t breathe. My chest forgot how to swell up and squeeze out. My throat felt slightly tight. The yellow light made everything difficult. It was hot and cold at the same time. Sweating and shivering, i stood up straight, on my heels and got down to the platform. The train came to a halt with a whimper. Someone pointed in a direction towards the sleeper. Where there is room, less odour and lighter light. I held my fist on my chest and ran towards it. But I couldn’t find anything. Bougie after bougie, jam packed. I had been betrayed. I saw the train jerk into motion and I froze. If abandoned here, amidst dacoits and jungles, how would i meet you at the station. I knew you weren’t gonna show but i knew i would meet you. I floated between contradictory truths while the wheels caught speed. I was falling behind. I could feel my temples sweat, my heart pound. I caught hold of a handle and stepped back up. My eyes were closed the entire time. When i opened them, i swear i saw you. Standing on the platform. Or slowly walking towards me and falling behind. Soft smile captured in your cheeks. Hair neatly parted, mustard yellow shirt buttoned less the top two. Tattered jeans. You expanded in the wind and it seemed like you would catch up soon. I couldn’t look any longer and rushed inside.

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