YASP-III

when god made you

he must have been drunk

that's how

yu probably

got his eyes

passionately red

and searching

for god knows who

Temptation is good.

But Indulging & Regretting is even Better.

YASP-II

life is a silent dame

she doesn tellme

where shez takin me

i jus hope

that she is takin me

only

closer to you

YASP

One of my girlfriends found herself a cute guy. And the guy found

her in return. She wanted me to come over and meet. That meant

one thing- I would need to behave myself.

My opinions were obviously no more welcome. I was supposed to

make my presence felt as someone greatly elated with whatever

happens. And yet not cross those borders around passivity. And yet

be there for them. It is not as complicated as it seems. I have been

out with couples and prospective couples, before.

There was a phase when my opinions were asked for and

considered. There was a phase I was tired of romantic-consulting

offered free of cost. The questions made were on the lines of 'Will he

be right for me?' and in more sentimental modes of feminine

submissiveness 'Do I deserve him?' and etc. All those questions

were to be answered reassuringly affirmatively. Followed by many

chocolate-sauce-on-the-brownie sms's (or whatever the plural of

sms is). Sometimes third persons warn me I shouldn't push people

into relationships. But I hardly ever do that. They are willing

anyway.

This meeting was imperative. It was like a promise we made when

we were blossom buddies. Walking dark roads on cold evenings

throughout college, these were some of the treaties signed. To

show each other the person we were so going to live the rest of our

lives with. So she was simply complying to one such

understanding..

And the job is fun too. I will tell you why. As girls we shared some

typical notions. Now looking at those things happen for real would

be looking at the past through a wall of glass. You can see

everything so clearly and yet can't get back. Every moment you

feel like telling her how she thought he should be so-and-so but

now he has turned out to be not-so-and-not-so. But since she has

lost all sense of logic you dont utter a word except uttering what's

so a part of etiquette. You wonder how good the guy has made the

transition from 2-D to 3-D. From the pics of him that she sent you,

to real person of flesh and blood you are going to lose her to.

Relationships break away friendships. But I understand. That's life.

It probably is a set of ever changing priorities.

PS: YASP is for Yet Another Silly Post

Vent.

I hate the situation where in I know a change is imperative and I

further know that I have the guts in me to bring it about, but I am

not doing so and I have no excuse to substantiate my inaction. I

allot half the blame on the situation, rest to me. The fact that I am

an escapist stares me in the eye. And I take it lying down.

My cell phone has been having problems with me lately. And my

laptop is ditching me to add to it. With the two most significant

characters of my life conspiring against me at the same time, I am

screwd.

I stick to deadlines. EOD means End of Day..and not a second after

that. But there are few people who believe that Day Ends at 5 pm.

And such people are the people I cannot take.

That brings us to another caveat. I have no space for things and

people who are illogical. (Some things are exempted from the

wrath of this statment). We all like things that are straight-cut. We

all do. Such People who define norms, pretend that they are not

loving those norms themselves but do not let me defy them either,

by their over-imposing presence. And fret about it. WTF~

I do not open my mouth until I am provoked. Before that

everything is but waste of time and energy. I despise Desperate

Partcipations of people. I absolutely loathe people who play the

language game i.e. who make poor lil simple things look very very

complicated. I abhor 'bakar' and all its distant cousins.

By default I am a lazy human. I work only when and only when not

working would absolutely not do, i.e. if I were a cell phone, that

'Emergency Calls Only' thing would be perennially written on my

face. But I understand my core responsibilities. And I hope that you

understand that this doesn't contradict me being an escapist

otherwise.

Some People(*) blame me that I write about love and only about it

and that I am some stupid frustrated female, this is especially for

them.. many of them would like be here on my blog anyway..

Yes I am frustrated. Not just with love, but with a dozen things

besides that. I am frustrated with the way you (*) are!

And You(*) can go on only until one fine rainy day, I am provoked.

taken away

me: are you upset?

K: not a bit.

me: honestly?

K: if there is a thing mundane that still has the power to upset you then you aren't quite accustomed to life as it is.

me: oh! but you could simply tell me what happened instead of playing a word game.

K: let's not analyze and evaluate the situation this way. everythin fades. everythin needs a little bit of time to do so.

me: you want me to leave you alone?

K: no.

me: ok..

Pause..Long Pause

me: imagine you are on a highway..

K: okay..then?

me: the sunset is getting closer and you're alone

K: so..

me: So, do you want music of any kind?

K: Yeah..!

me: any song in particular?

K: No, I don't want music..

me:and do you want to move a little back in time?

K: where is that supposed to taken me?

me: to the afternoon we left behind.

K: alright..afternoon

me: It's cloudy now..had been sunny day. Do you hear any sounds?

K: yes of course, there are others zooming past..

me: and they are honking..that sound stretches across the air and stays with you for some seconds after its gone..

K: yeah..

me: but you're takin it slow..

K:yeah I am very tired of speed. Genuinely tired of it..

me: and so you're sticking to the edge of the highway, letting others leave you behind and not caring a bit about it.

K: yeah..not caring a bit about it..

me: do you like what you see?

K: I see tall trees on both sides..merging on top of the road

me: like forming a canopy/

K: I see fields of lush green..of probably paddy

me: and you want to get down and find for yourself?

K: yeah..

short Pause..

K: they have been watered sometime back, i think. that moisture has drenched the air

me: and that air you breathe in..isn't it enlivening?

K: Let's get back on the highway? I want a walk

me: can you see the milestone? what does it say?

K: Can't read. It's dark now. Don't care to read. Not all distances wants to be measured..

me: Do you know your destination?

K: No

me: you're walking away on the highway. And now the sunset is approaching. Cars with their headlights on zoom in and out of vision, blinding you for a while, and in between yu see the the road ahead in a semi-lit darkness.

K:Hmm..

me: Very few things matter to you now. You can see through life..

K:

Pause..Long Pause

K: you there?

me: -jerked out of sleep- are you done?

X-X-X

I am a seasoned stoic.

And in this I see my only Bliss

I write not because it is my passion

But because it is my only respite.

once Upon stilettos..!

did you graduate?

mm? ||surprise takes over my face||

or in the final year?

Uh..nope. i did.. '09

okay! cool

yeah. very

it's been two years.. you lose track of thins ||matteroffactly||

yep i know ||stupid grin-you keep jumblin up the girls yu met-for future ref: pls remember

there is only one order ..chronological||

so where is it that you work? ||obviousness again-yu'r sure about everythin uh||

oh no place unfortunately has had the privilege to have me workin fothem.. || forced smile||

||he breaks into sly laughter|| an why so?

caz equally unfortunately i'vn had the privilege to work fothem..

||silence-mild questionin eyez||

still studyin.. masters

oh!

yeah.. ||purely an powerfully smilin now-sayin that 'yeah' thrice inside my mind or more||

NB: Your life is the collection of people you'v met. An' so is mine. An' it neen't be any other

way but this. I'l live with the meanagerie they'v creat-ed inside me.

afternoon..

there have been long afternoons and i have roamed around

in the shrinking sunlight. where i lived was a place far away.

there were bunches of guava trees. old mango trees with

trunks very wide. scrapping off their bark was my favourite

game and also gathering yello leaves that had fallen off the

boughs onto the ground. the noon-shy soil, that would be

moistened by the dew all night.

of flowers i remember moonbeam. and of course hibiscus

that had branches entwined, so that snakes could live in

them, peacefully. i dug in small holes the in ground and put in

them the stems of the hibiscus buds that i plucked. and in the

morning i looked at them an wondered what made them

bloom into flowers so full.

moonbeam and hibiscus taught me the colors i know, white

an red, black came much later. there were jackfruit trees a

couple of decades old. and i remember being told, who had

planted which, and if a ghost lived under it. because late in

the evening when you are asked to run from one home to

another, you may come across a beautiful girl with her face

hidden behind a white veil, sitting under the jackfruit tree like

she was both praying and waiting. and you are supposed to

know that she is a ghost.

there were herds of monkeys that came hunting in the

afternoon. they were chased off the orchard. sometime in a

forced siesta you would hear a tree branch break and you

would know they have arrived. then i would tip-toe into the

courtyard before anyone wakes up to makes cups of milky

tea that were to be served in maroon cups with broken

edges, later in the afternoon. the mokeys who were chased

off the orchard would be quietly waiting on the roof. i

remember givin them brinjals and cucumber and the leaves

of cauliflower..and looking at them eat, and then slitherin

back on to the bed like i never got up..

such were my afternoons. but one day came a mighty storm

and wiped it all off my life. now it's like remembering things

that never happened/..

soliloquY

~ hope i've spelt the title correctly, there are some things yu can almost never fix and get done with, once-and-for-all

~When put inside a decision box]

I end up takin impassioned decisions

instead of correct decisions

I haven been brave enuf

/More often than not

my decisions have chosen me\

instead of vice versa..

I don't regret caz it's too tirin

Too drainin

and takes a weekend to recover

I let my mistakes be

Never ask!

~this is the last time i'm talking about trees on my blog, lemme get done with it.

i realised it when i heard my cell ring

had been standing in the middle of the world

lookin at a tree,

i'm livin in autumn, tis heaven

the concerned tree has turned yellow

i.e. golden for me

an it's standin upright in the sun

an sheddin its leaves, one-by-one

they are free-fallin

an i've been standin there

trynu to feel the free fall of the leaf of gold

until my cell rang

~Sometimes i wonder i wonder where i am headed

I am not sleeping nights

And oversleeping throughout afternoons into nights

Waking up more sickly and sour-mouthed

teary~eyed, guilty for letting sleep seduce me..

~ All my life I ran not a race

but one

All my life I ran this rat race/

I have been dragggin my feet on the

Road that seemingly isn't takine me some/nowhere

~ finally but one tribute to my undyin yU..!

i looked for you in the tunnels of the dark, and in the chambers of my heart, but nowhere were you to be found. totally nowhere, absolutely nowhere. then i sort of made it a point to kill my passion and to rarely think of you. then i made it a point never to fall in love ever again. then i saw to it that nothing moved me the way you did. nothing drove me to tears like you did. noone lived in my heart, the way you did. no one even came close to breaking my heart the way you did. you did\

~ things aren workin out an i'm growin all the more indifferen to their not workin out

~ pro'ly i'm just trying to help masel..

4 am thoughts!

Twenty-three mutual friends in fb..

seventeen common connections on linkedin..

I must've known yu before

Come across ye by a random chance of fate

Should've heard people talk of yu

Had a hint that yu existed..

Or vice~versa..

we've lived in the same city

i've walked the earth you've walked

Sure must've brushed past each other

once atleast..

once some obscure friday evening

when i must've been busy shopping

or waiting for movie tickets

We must've met at cross roads

waited at traffic signals together

Must've drenched ourselves

in the same first rain

some forgettable day of earlyJune

some year

But it's a wonder

how life conspires to keep apart

two obvious soul~mates

and plays its secret games

builts a wall of glass in between

fills the air with fog, on both sides

and it takes a hell of time

for that fog to condense

and slide down as water, drop after drop

and it took long lonely years

for me

to see the faint contours of yur face

on the other side

to come to know of your existence

and assure myself of assured company

twenty~two years one month nineteen days four hours and seven minutes

to be precise!

the happiness woman..

trying to move on from one inconsequential incident to another, on the way, i ceased and noticed the woman that happiness is. her eyes are small, yet happy. the upper reaches of her cheeks bulge slightly, the lower ones form a hollow to contrast. the lips so fall in a valley. a pink curve of delicate flesh, her lips. tiny gold hangs from the left ear i can see. she has all her hair taken on the right shoulder. they are a little awry. the wind must've done that. but the hair are pitch black and she is white fair. there has settled a smile on her face. it is the reflection of the smile on her soul. there is a scarf of all red wrapped around her neck. the scarf floats in the mild wind. the smile is so fixed on her face that there is not a sign of fluidity. and her eyes are black..

happiness woman has black eyes

And

Desire has green eyes..

but What color are mine?

I & II

I

as i try to forget you right now i find it very heart wrending. but that's imperative. i can't afford to have you in my mind beyond a certain time. love is a power game. of the worst sorts. besides love i give you the power to hurt me. by loving you i give you this supremacy over me. it' liek you rule my moods. you totally hold the strings of my life. i have confirmed it many times over that i would want you a hundred times over all the other wants in life. i bear the consequences of every inconsequential thing you do. i am like china in your hands. for you i dream of the pros and cons of if-only's

II

all this time i have tried to hate you because i am done convincing me that you are not the one, because you can't just be the one. i never fell for you. i never will. it's an impossibility. but there is a glitch. no it's not even that. just a dormant fear within me. that at the end of time, it could be you, if not anyone else. then i would have to keep all ego aside and take you in. it's this constant fear of this contingent future that keeps me on my toes, always trying to hate you. it's the fear of the compromise that i might have to make. it's the fear of you entering my life, and taking control with me becoming just a passive element. yesterday while crossing a busy street, this thought crossed my mind. is it you? what if it is you? what if it has always been you? i am doing a worst case scenario analysis. for you i fret over the pros and cons of what-if's

after dark

the sun hadnot shown in entirety. but its rays still reached her. they filled the air with mellow light. in the serene yellow, the water of the pond was still black. there were silent ripples. a shrub of hibiscus tilted on the water, like a lover. ripe flowers of the color of blood, dropped into the water. one after the other. killing themselves. there sat a girl on the stairs. never as conscious as then. a moment later a pale sun showed itself. a peace descended on her mind. she got up. one could see the joints of her bones undoing themselves. she stepped into the water. tip-toed one step down. she looked at her feet under the black water. their outlines moved precariously with the waves that formed. then she looked up front. at the bank, opposite. one more step down, she paused for one moment. and looked back, at the world.

then she walked away. deeper into the water..

Hiatus~

she smiled a lot. and when she smiled she could feel her dimples form. she

could feel her strands of hair stray to her face. she purposefully left

them intact. until the wind played with them yet again. kept throwing

them on an off her face. her dimples formed and unformed. she kept trying

to find out if her left cheek dimpled. she wondered how she had two cheeks

but one dimple. just one..

he swayed from this side of the road to that. there must have been some

song playing in his mind. he had never planned for this night. stranded a little

before middle of the night. a mildly cold night. waving to every rare cab

that passed by. and looking back at her and smiling distinctly after one more

cabbie betrayed them..

i wonder if she could see his smile. it was dark. the only light being that of

billboards on top of buildings in and around. neither could he see her dimple

form and unform. but he was aware of the distinct one on the right cheek.

faint yet there. and he probably loved it.

this went on till one cabbie relented to take them home for the night.

on the way, she wanted the typical music playing..the late night long drive

instrumental one. music that suited the moods of a drunken city. besides hers

and his.

when they brushed past the winds, the silent streets snored. the music

inside the cab only danced, causing a sort of a furore.

the wait had been long. wait for a cold rain or probably snow. the signs began

to show as they travelled deeper into the night. the wait seemed to end now.

they wondered if it snowed ,would they have to stand the whole night under

a tin sheet, or something? waiting for it to get day.

as it got only colder, on the way, the only warming effect came from the

presence of each other. she laughed..often irresistibly. and every now and

then he kept looking at her.

and that's how they reached home that night. Period

Disclaimer: It so appears that some have a problem with my writing. Such people may kindly

Abstain.

..One muted Sound

But I never thought she would die so Soon

So soon

But she did

I never could never think writing about her

Exactly what her death is making me do

Now

In the last few days

She had been going blind

I din't know

I din't care to know, honestly

Why should I

Poke my nose into business

Thats' just not mine

She won't look at us

Coz' she cun't see us

With her blind eyes

I dont' do earings, I cant'

they so remind me of what she was

and what she was to me

Sleep eluded me so

those nights of her death

Benumbed with Shock

I couldnt' bear to forget

the distinct contours

of her face

The face

her slight squint

those hanging cheeks

the chin dimple

oil-dipped hair..

thin hair

weird hair

weird memories

memories that dont' want to be forgotten

that come back for randome seconds

and stay, daylong

sometimes nightlong

they don't leave me

she dont' leave me

those who depart

why at all they do..

Insane Again..

I write when I am possessed
Totally overwhelmed
I write because
I can’t help it
I write it out because
There is no other way out but words
I write out of a compulsive obsession
I write to get rid of
It

But now
There is kind of a
Gossamer of thoughts
Inside me
And the thing I realize is that
I am sad
Very sad
Irreversibly sad
And I can’t dissect my feelings to
Find out what fundamental feelings
They are made of

Life is pro’ly
Seasoning me
Fate is pro’ly
Getting ready to unveil
Colors like
Flashy red, distant violet
And shades of grey
Thick prominent thick
Shades of grey

Now it’s hard for me
I can’t let things
So foreign sink in
So easily into
This delicate my being

But
I know
Sooner or later
Grey and indifference will
Rule me
Me

One day
Sooner the better
This gossamer of thoughts
Will give up and
Disintegrate
Into all that it’s made of
To show me
Bare skin

And that day
I will find some way
To be
Happy again.

PS:OnewudncaretoreadthiswholeorhalfbutIcudncareanyless

Shoot the Moon

last night when i evaluated the magnitude of dearth in my life, i decided to take a walk, though it was long past midnight. i was walking alone and alone and then i was also looking at the moon which was showing itself more distinctly than usual. i was actually staring at the moon and walking, rather than looking in front. and it was jaw droppingly cold. rib-shakingly cold. i hid my hands in the pockets of my coat and kept walking, on and on till i could walk no more. no, it was not me who got tired. but the road finished. i stood almost at the end of my world, staring out into the world that wasn't mine. my patience ended, then and there. i could stare no more. all stings that had tied me till yet loosened. i evaluated the magnitude of dearth in my life, even more.

a need is a state of perennial deprivation. and there is no assurance that it can be pacified by means human. it is just there because it's there. the causes of mine are unknown. so pacification is an impossibility, almost. and this is what makes the hole a lot more bigger, and the dearth, more life stakingly, patheticalling and cruelly, looms larger than life.

when you don't know what is it that your hands are looking out for and you are in the dark, then your hands try to feel every damn thing that they come across. and then you ask yourself if this is the thing you were actually looking for. since you don't know what you were looking for it takes a long torturous journey to convince yourself that that is the not the thing you were looking for. this i swear i hard, it is hard to death, coaxing yourself to believe, yes it is.

and this is what i was doing last night, standing at the end of my world, staring at the moon till i could no more and letting the cold enter my skin, my bones, my soul. i wanted to know if cold could numb, of not heal. and was stretching my hands out in the open like waiting for an embrace. till i could, no more. any more.

so i turned back, holding myself close, really close and slept for the night, last night 

and today morning i thought of this

..i love you in reds and in blues

your cheekbones that standout when you so smile

the way you walk

like you are swaying

or flying

the sound of your laughter

and the depth of your voice..

it hurts to even think of you

to let you enter my sphere of perception

you are like a curse

but i cant help myself..

i just love you in reds and in blues

1:23 AM

Sometime ago I found the guy who justifies this poem about the fictitious biker~lover. I relished those moments of knowing him and telling myself that the weirdest of words can by a feeble chance of fate become true. I have a world of work to do. I have but not idea why I am writing this instead. So I just am, giving it a go. Chewing happydent keeps me happy. Like there were a certain tonic for happyness. I'm looking around like an insane woman forit. I have realized some truths about myself. And I want a live in harmony with these. May the force be with me. I am trying to use less 'I's in this post to prove that I am trying to be less obsessed with myself and convince myself that I am beginning to recognize there exists a world outside my mind. But I can't help it. This blog (of mine) is all about sad love, supposedly. So let me define it: Love is when Familiarity breeds love and strictly not contempt as she usually does. I seriously hope you got my previous statement. Now nod. Personally things that are vague enamour me out & out. Professionally such things make way for disgust. Now that's split personality. Wonder how I live with one contradiction inside me and surrounded by another. I live in a hilly city and it never stops raining. So I have learnt the art of sharing my umbrella with strangers, complete ones and incomplete ones. I am tired of jargon. I hate jargon. Indifference has been the most bejewelled of attitudes. It still is. Fascinations: tango, venice, dubai, smoke, red eyes, empty streets, roof~top restr@s. Roof~top restaurants because I found one tonite. It overlooks my hilly city, full of lights, where it always rains. It gave me that feel of Cloud~9. The biker~lover guy I talked about initially and this place are linked somehow. If they are not, as of yet, I would see to it that get linked anyhow, in the future. Or else we will have an Alternate Future.

Truth happens when they meet: the yin and the yang. I am glad, I didn't miss my moment of Truth.

You I & the Dream

Long ago you asked me what the dream of my life was/ is.

That induced some thinking, before I realized what it actually is.

There was a mountain I had climbed sometime. At the zenith, I looked at the other side of the mountain. It looked like a dream. I had seen nothing like that all my life.

And after that rendezvous, I could never get over it.

So I felt that the dream of my life was to spend a night on the crest of that mountain, star staring. Out in the cold. Out in the dark. Sitting all through the night. Staring at that Dream.

Later, I came back to you to tell you that this is what the dream of my life was/ is..

Then you asked/told, 'And you want to spend the night up there with me.'

I said, 'No .. Alone .. all Alone..'

...

PS :One thing I seem to have realized is that I am just too cynical to be worthy of Love.

Pic Courtesy: S

Dini-II

Off late besides postponing movies for a later part of my life, I have come to know a certain thing. I have an uncanny ability to see through people. In most cases I do. This happens if you are ditched badly twice or once. The inability to trust even the simplest of people becomes settles in pretty deep. You wonder if anything is but a facade. But on another note, who in here is simple? I mean does the word even exist?

Everyone is complicated. Yes..please, no arguments they are. I being the epitome of all complications is yet another story. But you can't deny my judgement here. It's as sound as sound could be.

Tall people, short people, the ones with spikey hair, the ones with curls..chubby ones skinny ones..elated ones happy ones sad ones depressed ones devastated ones..all look complicated to one eye and on the other hand contrastingly mundane to the other eye.

Oyah. Everyone is mundane. No arguments, they are. That is precisely why I cannot stand anyone anymore. Anyone forthatmatter.

Everyone is 1. self-obsessed!

Oh Dear God if you exist, why, why on earth and in the rest of the universe did you have to make everyone so so bloody self obsessed? Argh! Arghh! Why?

People love other people just because they are loved back. Could hypocrisy sink to do more ignominous lows than this? I don't know. With the kind of people around, you never know who could stoop to what lows.

You have to stand and stare and bear or pretend to do so. And I honestly can't do so anymore. I cant stand these people any more. Someone take me away! Someone (who is not self obsessed) puhlease take me away..Let's take to wings, let's do something out of the world. Let's do anything but the mundane.

I want to see a better world. A slightly more rational one, that I can justify to myself. I don't want to end up hating everyone I know, because familiarity somehow always breeds contempt.

But somehow life has unconsciously become one journey. A journey to find the Intense. This is one sole category I adore, worship, am enslaved to. But I am afraid I do so because

I am yet to dissect them in my mind. Once they are in pieces, again all that shows is how mundane they had been, how misled I was. Hence the sad story.

I am not a pessimist. I have the power of reason.