The Flat

In there somewhere in the crevices of mind, is a repository of useless memories. Memories, I don't know what to do with since they have far outlived their utility. I ain't that old either, so I should have folks to share them with, but alas, me being me, there is no-one around.

There was this really tiny one bedroom flat of sorts, those that are allotted to people with government jobs. Someone in my close extended family lived in one of those - a family of five. With guests constantly flowing in and out. They lived in a town with good medical amenities so no doubt, there was always one house guest how was seeing a doctor and living with them in the meanwhile. The hall had a small bed and the main bedroom had a giant double bed. Whoever could fit on the beds, did, and sleeping on the floor was a routine thing. And given summers, why not?

There was a tiny kitchen, somewhere in the house, although, it has been too many years for me to re-call, where exactly it was. But there definitely was a kitchen and one sat on the floor and cooked. Now, in the light of the '20's, it all feels very medieval. But there was a kitchen, definitely. And delicacies were constantly dished out. The three school going children had very different tastes, somebody liked deep friend potato fingers, somebody like roasted tomatoes, and somebody like dried fish. And then there were guests. And the absent alcoholic husband, who appeared sober, only rarely, in between very frequent benders.  

There was a shelf also somewhere, in the house, either in the hall, or in the corridor, that housed the gods. Tiny photographs of the divine that would save the lot of us. A string of litchi lights adorned the shelf, it looked dreary in the morning, but pretty at nights. Everyday, the middle child, the girl would be woken up early and sent out with a wicker basket hanging on her shoulders. Along with a scream that all the neighbors would have plucked the flowers by then. She would drag herself out of bed, in a half asleep-half dreaming situation, unlock the main door, finding her way amongst those sleeping on the floor and then meander down the stairs. 

Mother, who, by then would have taken a bath and have her wet hair wrung and knotted under a towel, would safely assume that her daughter would be completely awake by the time she was downstairs. 

The daughter would return in half an hour so, because she met a friend or two on the trail. Her wicker basket would been brimming with moonbeams, with a few red hibiscus. However, the most priced hunt were the canna lilies and she rarely got any. The flat was on the third floor of a rickety paint-less building with five other similar flats, looking over a street. On both sides of that street, there were about a dozen such buildings and the entire colony was gated, although nobody guarded the entrances and exits except stray dogs that barked a lot, but rarely bit. 

These canna lilies grew and flowered behind the buildings. Nobody ever went behind the buildings, unless it was it procure these flowers. The drains from the houses, merged behind the buildings. People threw garbage right from their windows and it accumulated behind the buildings in heaps, only growing taller by the day. But there were a few neat patches where these lilies grew. Mostly these were yellow. And sometimes yellow with patches of red and orange which were absolutely gorgeous. So gorgeous, that the gods too would be pleased. 

By the time the daughter came back home, the milk man would be standing at the door and their mother would be rattling along about too much water and too little milk. The rush for the the sole toilet in the household would have begun. Everyone wanting go potty at once. 

Soon the children would leave for school, the house guests would go to the hospitals and doctors, the husband would leave for office and be there till he felt like drinking again. Everyone would leave alright, but not before chomping on loads of rice and fish curry, which would have been cooked effortlessly before 9 am. Then the flat would be consumed by silence for a few hours. Sometimes the neighbor ladies would come by for a chat. But mostly, not so much.  

An Ode to Google Talk

It was a fortunate coincidence that she met him when she met him. Because a few years down from there, she would lose her penchant for people. 

It was one of those casual internships they were at, in their summer break. She was with her loud group of girls, who discussed clothes and boys. He was with his mischievous gang of backbencher boys who never lost a single chance to pass a harmless comment on the above gang of females. Obviously, never was a comment passed on her, she was rather, how does one put it, but for the lack of a better word - plain. And but of course, he was never the one who opened his mouth much at these things. But when anyone looked at him, it was obvious, he was very much a party to everything. 

The internship was at an electrical transmission company. And the heat of the summer could bake the little humans when left outside for long. So, in the non stop to and fro between examining the electrical equipment outdoors to rushing indoors to sit in the air conditioning for a few minutes, an unusual camaraderie blossomed between the both of them. Between them, the air was always friendly, things were said with a tease but nothing mean was ever meant. Things would continue to remain platonic, because, her head was in the clouds and he was perhaps, not interested, perhaps had a girlfriend back home, nobody knew. And a curiosity of that nature, never came into the picture either. 

With the summer and the internship over, both parties, headed back to their respective campuses and would have lost touch subsequently, eventually, but for a few things, they did not. Firstly because, he read her poetry. And she knew he somewhat connected with her angst regarding the - human condition. The frustration of this all. And he was a bright dude, so she never quite got why he could relate to her shit. Therefore, she had him earmarked as someone who was not mundane and understood things deeply.

And secondly because, he kept her from flunking a crucial course. There was something about this course - electrical machines - that she wanted to understand it from within. You know. When you're studying engineering, sadly a lot of it is rote learning. You just cram a lot of stuff the night before the test, puke it out in the test in the morning. But she did not want to do the same with this course as this course solely would stand for her entire engineering degree. So she buckled up and decided to give it a shot. The petit professor who taught the class was good, but the drawings on the board looked like hieroglyphics. So our girl turned to our guy. And there was google talk. They never called each other. 

They stayed up nights and he coached her inside and out. Somebody would have thought there was something going on but this was a pure unvarnished academic connection. It took them a few weeks but soon she was all caught up with her petite professor. Afterwards, she would keep going back to him with err- doubts. But the cardinal concepts of electrical machines had been juiced up and gulped down her esophagus. And let there be no doubt, if ever he was in the wrong, she would drag him back into the right, by throwing caution to the wind. 

But college ended and soon they started new lives. But somehow those new lives didn't start ideally for anyone. She was stuck in someplace she would rather not be in. Meaning, all she had ever wanted was to get away. But she couldn't. Later on in life, she would realize and appreciate, that there was no such thing as getting away, ever. But she didn't know that back then. And he was, well - in a confusing place. He had the job he always wanted, but not many other things were in his favor, if we want to leave it cryptic enough. 

Somehow, one day, he saw her jogging in the park. He was not in the park, per se. He was driving by. How he could make out it was her through that distance of distance and through that distance of time, is something she could never ascertain. But that night, he pinged her again. 

Depression

I've been struggling with somethin'
And let it be said out loud that 've been strugglin' hard
My head's been shrunk
Can't hold no more
Sometimes I'm feelin'
That I'll crack open like a peanut's shell
Or go up in flames, like a bomb
Boom, and nothing is left
Most dangerously, of all these 
Sometimes I don't want morning to come
That is, before I sleep, I wish the sun don't rise
'Tis that bad
Ain't got nobody to talk to 
'Cuz I've shun my mates
Shun them all, and for good
My writing, the only thing, I truly ever had
For the sake of havin' anythin'
Doesn't stop getting worse, every day
Got no love
'Cuz love's hard
So hard, that I'd rather not
I can't eat, didn't think this was ever possible
But can't hold a morsel, and bring it to my mouth
If ever, I'm able to gather myself
All I can do do is cry, and relentlessly
Weep in writhing pain
And exaggerating, I ain't
There's nothing left for me, here
And I'm lost. 

Pro'ly, should be seen' that shrink. I should.  



Sweetheart

You've done well for yourself.

Who am I kidding? You were always the good kid. So this doesn't necessarily surprise me. At all. Let me take this opportunity to express, how truly happy I am for you. I know, not everything is what it seems on the surface. Let me rephrase that. Is anything ever what it seems on the surface? Don't think so. A lot in this world happens to merely keep up with appearances. 

The rosiness of lives is utterly lost in its dark and disturbing underbelly. Adulthood is difficult. Pretending to be a whole person is hard, when you've got parts of yourself flung up in the air. Not just because there are bills to be paid and jobs to be done. It's also on account of the fact that everything we are is a disturbing contradiction. You know?

We begin life believing in some things. And for quite a long stretch, we're taught, deeply and precisely, how accurately wrong we were. We waste away years, unable to grasp to simple truths, hold ironies in our little hearts that embitter us, make us so cynical that we become monstrosities within, fashioned in facades on the outside. 

I have become that. And for the sake of all that is holy, I have given up. I choose to be embittered, lost, pained, forever fighting the voids that are capturing my insides, day after day after day. And I cannot care enough to dress in facades, hence I am just my true unclothed self. I am an angry, disappointed and exhausted adult. Locked in my own chains. Muted, hearing my own screams constantly inside my fucking head. I am.

But you. Sweetheart. 

Allow me to call you that, it's been ages. When I loved you, I loved you with the passionate intensity of a nineteen year old. It feels crazy now, and also impossible, to have ever been capable of loving that way. Anyone or anything.  I am not capable of that love anymore. I hang in between thin threads of obligations.

But sorry, I was writing about you.

You've done well for yourself. Some of what appears may be a sheen. May be. But I am sure all that glitters for you, is gold from within. I hope I am not fantasizing and I truly wish you the happiness you deserve. Everyone deserves happiness, love. And why wouldn't you.

Despite everything that happened, I have always thought of you with affection. I will not lie, sometimes I've been upset. Regretful. But that's inevitable. Over the years, so many many still years, when all that has happened in our lives is just everyday, I have always remembered you with glee. The way memories fade, I am sure a few more years later, all I would remember is the glee itself and I would have erased you, involuntarily. So let me write this today.

Sweetheart.

I hope, being married to her makes you feel lucky everyday. Because that's what marriage is supposed to make one feel. Lucky. I hope you hold her hand every now and then. I know you do. I hope you smell her frizzy hair and take off her spectacles so that her vision fades a little, before you kiss her on the forehead, once in a few days. You two, so do look like the couple who would do that. 

She's an infinitely charitable woman. I know this, if not more about her. She has lot of mercy in her soul. Lot of compassion. I cannot imagine how anyone can be that way because all I feel in my soul is a certain soullessness I cannot translate into words. So I am thankful, you ended up with her. That you moved on from me and found her. Life's nice that way, isn't it.

And we shall let today be, precisely about that.

Sweetheart.

Happy Valentines' 

Kiss

Their hands brushed accidentally while jostling for space in the hallway. Overcome by his lust for her, which had been bubbling for days, he ceased her, just below her elbow. He called out her name, almost simultaneously.

She turned to face him, almost surprised, a little bit in nervousness, a little bit in love. Their eyes met. Her breathing was unsteady, fast. She had been dancing downstairs in the mild afternoon sun. She smelt of sweat. He smelt like cool air conditioning and the sea. He was calm and knew what was going to happen.

He moved to kiss her on the lips but paused and kissed her forehead instead. When you love someone that much, you want to love her in flesh as well. Her hair, her belly, her nose, even fingertips and ears, everything that is hers, you want to cup between your hands and kiss.

She closed her eyes in disbelief, was this really happening. She was a few inches shorter than him and he had to bend down to kiss her on the lips. They locked in a kiss for ten seconds. She was leaning on the kitchen wall and he was leaning on her. They held hands, firmly. Both hands. Like each other were all they had. Like she was his peaceful permanent. And he was hers.

After that she pulled away softly and rested her head on his chest. He wanted to go on, but the telephone rang. He didn't care and held her chin in his hands. But she wouldn't stay. With the ringing of the phone, reality had trickled into their happy cocoon. He desperately tried to hold her back, without a care for anything else in the world. All that he wanted was to have her. They stood there bathed in each other's sighs for moments. But she slipped away from him and tip toed towards the telephone. He turned to her and swallowed in large gulps. Waiting for her reaction. Waiting for her to say some things. Acknowledge somethings. 

She didn't have that courage. She pretended as if nothing had happened. After mumbling inconsequential pleasantries on the phone, she walked away slowly even as he kept calling out her name, once, twice and thrice.

And her bangles jingled all along. 

U or me

Life moves fast
Years pile up
2009 between '14 and' 08
A bit of '06 somewhere in there
Although I remember nothing 

Except for what has pained me
But I forget almost time, in its entirety 
The inconsequential hours & months
Mail exchanges with strangers 
Calls lasting into nights, breathless cycle rides
Pictures, guileless selfies, minute long videos 

A mammoth of life is locked in those
And they're casually & effortlessly erased
Perhaps because we're not meant 
To hold on to every tiny thing
Else how would we wallow in everyday misery 

Now if I recollect hard
I can contain my entire thirty odd years
In a few hours
That's how shrink worthy I am

Also how much I remember of me
Is exactly as much as I remember of you
Funny as it may seem, it be true
And our chords run so deep
Honeybunch Sugarplum
My bespectacled darling 

When I scram through my memories 
I cannot know
Which-one is you
And which-one is me


The Girl

The girl was a girl no more. At twenty-seven, she could be a woman, full-fledged. But still she was a girl because that's how girls are referred to.

The girl shared an apartment with her two friends. She has her own bedroom which she had adorned with fairy lights, mirrors, house plants and stuffed toys. However the insides of her head were disheveled. She was dragging herself from one day to the next. And barely

She had just broken up. It had been a steady relationship of what now seemed to be her entire life. But they had lived in a different cities for a while and the distance had wrecked havoc.

The girl got lonely a lot. Tried new things with her hair. Clothes. Shoes. She read poetry, racy novellas even, just to stay put. But nothing worked. Her ex dumped her. Both of them were distraught. But they had to let go when they still could. 

Although picking up the pieces of her life was blindingly difficult, there was no other way to go. Nowhere else to be. 

The girl could not manage to get out from the bed in the morning. She decided she would quit her job and live off her parents for a bit. Immediately she took up a hobby she had always yearned to nurture. Pottery.

She made vases. Ugly and ordinary. But the feel of clay in her hands made her accept that most things are malleable. After months, she could make a half decent vase. The girl put them up on Instagram. 

Then she wanted to cook. She wanted to cook so much that there was no end to it. She still hadn't managed to tell her mom and dad exactly how unemployed she was. She used the last of her savings to buy the dishes and groceries. 

She started a kitchen and hand delivered meals to single people who lived nearby. She didn't get to rise with her head above water for months, but getting out of bed was no longer the biggest obstacle in her day. 

She cooked and packed lunches and dinners like it was nobody's business. She dressed in ordinary clothes and walked to deliver the meals. She was unrecognizable when compared with her previous self. But she had begun. To heal.

The girl. A Girl. 

I write because I too seek to heal. Because I seem to somehow know that I am too damaged to create anything beautiful. I would so rather I wasn't this way

Sujata

Sujata wore a blouse with puffed short sleeves with her usual chiffon sari that day. It was a humid afternoon in Howrah. It was just before lunch time and she was busy assembling lunch. Her husband would be home in minutes. She had filled the bitter gourds with spiced potato and was about to leave them in the frying pan, when the bell rang.

Sujata took on a lot of work. Mostly house work. Sometimes she hauled bags of groceries up the stairs. She cooked three meals for her family, washed and cleaned, folded piles of laundry etc. But she never showed any exhaustion. Perhaps because she went about tasks at her own pace, like a swan. For instance, when the bell rang, she didn't leave the gourds to open the door. Rather she saw them crackle in the oil, washed her hands, while wiping them with the end of her sari, walked to the door.

Sujata pulled out a chair for him and while he sat there scrolling through his phone, she served him several dishes that she had cooked since mid morning. Steamed rice with tempered dal, little aubergines dipped in besan and fried, a small salad, a bit of leftover chholey and the potato stuffed bittter gourd that came last. Husband had a silver jewelry shop in the market nearby and always showed up for lunch. Next would be her father in law who stayed in a room in their house and came out for necessities like food and water. He didn't like the outside much since he had a television inside the tiny room he had. Sujata sometimes served him lunch inside. But that day he had chosen to come out.

After him, Sujata's son would reach home from school and eat lunch while narrating his day to his mother. Sujata would listen to all tit bits and ask a question or two in return. Sometimes, even more folks showed up after that, unexpected, brothers, or sisters who were in the area, friends and guests. After feeding everyone, Sujata would sit with whatever food was left in a bowl alone on the dining table and eat. Slowly, at her own pace. Later she would make a cup of tea and vanish into her room for a bit before emerging to start making dinner.

That  day when she went to her bedroom after lunch, her husband was on the bed, watching the news. She often pondered whether he chatted with that old mistress of his. But she had stopped asking him that question a few years ago. Accepting had made it easier, albeit only a little. The moment she lay on the bed, he sat up and left. 

Sujata breathed deeply and thought if she should fold the laundry or speak to her son. Then she peeked out the window. It was a cloudy day, perhaps the clothes wouldn't have dried completely. So she decided to lie down a little longer. 

Her mind meandered for a while before she sat up to sip from her tea cup.

Suddenly her head rolled. The feeling traveled down her body like a thunder. Her chest felt tight and she fell on the floor. Her breathing paused. 

As per pupils closed, her thoughts stretched out a bit longer. Next in the room would be her son who would rush in after hearing the thud. He would probably call his father. Then perhaps, some neighbors or relatives. Her daughter who studied engineering and lived in a hostel, one night away, would probably be the last to arrive. 

DTF

Funny, how when I thought about a date, only food came to mind. I saw dimly lit yellow restaurants with red decor. Heard the clink of cutlery and thought about soups, hot and sour, or cream of mushroom, fried chicken or salads with my favorite dressing, breads, lots of breads and oodles of noodles. Surprisingly my mind never strayed to dessert. Someone I knew said they would skip dinner but not dessert. Not me though. I would indulge in ample amounts of both, in their natural order. But I never would fantasize as much about a cheese cake as I would about, say, a bowl of ramen or steamy dumplings.

And what was more shocking was the fact that I never invested mindspace on the man. I obviously chatted and listened. And occasionally flirted. But, I never obsessed. I was cool. Twenty-seven, and not particularly looking. But not shutting the doors entirely either. I had, what you would call, an open mind.

I had many serious infatuations, followed by not-an-affair kind of affairs with mostly emotionally unavailable men. Then a couple of medium term relationships, one in grad school and one at the work place. The former didn't last the distance, after graduation, like I had assumed it would not. The latter did not survive because, well, I grew up.

So now there was no room for drama. I was down to DTF. Although I was no Charlie Harper, I had shed most of my shyness like an old skin. And I was meeting with a guy I had run into on a dating website. We were meeting over egg rolls and other street food, out in front of a park I used to frequent.


Winter

When in sixth grade
In the middle of a school fete
On a crisp December morning
I told my plump teacher of Math
That I would miss class for a week or more
Flowers in her hair, and brows squeezed 
She asked what was I upto
We were going up to the Himalayas 
Yes, in winter
Brows immediately apart
She asked me to have some fun, please

For hundreds of miles
In a bus with nausea as a co-passenger
Families with kids, old folks 
The single and unattached
And people of all other kinds
Packed with our bags and suitcases 
Embarked on a journey north ward 

Sometime around Christmas
When the twelve year old me
Woke up in the morning 
I saw snow capped mountains 
I, literally I had never seen snow
Several mountain ranges away
But snow, nevertheless 

My eyes were awed
And I felt completely woke
I rolled down the window
A chill caught my cheek
And I felt my mellow unviolated skin
Crack in the cold
That honey, was the first feel of winter

Fling

I cannot remember your face, tonite
Wide awake as my mind floats back in time
We were acquaintances, merely
You were after my good friend
And thought, I'd fix you up with her
How naive, mister
And hence you befriended me
But slowly you gave up on my friend
Because that was not to be
And that was that

Years later I visited your city 
Wild, by the sea
And you felt obligated to show me around
Or you wanted to, really
I didn't bother to know
I was elated, you showed up
Mostly, just showing up matters

You took me out for pizza
And to the movies 
To stake dinners with candles
It felt funny because I really dressed up
Skirts and heels, so not me 
You teased me and stepped back
We had been careful about crossing lines 

I treated you to a sub, 
In a sunny looking subway on a Saturday 
Remember?
And spilled coke all over your shirt
My face was flushed pink 
And you seemed totally okay
Somewhere there we crossed those lines

You made me garlic bread 
In the middle of the night
We ate bars of chocolate 
And kissed in the dark
I wasn't the pretty one
Definitely not your type
You were far from my type too
We both knew and it didn't matter

Such was that fling
Short-lived and too casual for memory
Yet, I remember 
Everything but your face
Later, when you coyly asked me permission 
To kiss me again
I sobered up and said that's not a great idea
How you must've shrunk
I cringe to think of, now

Strangers

I noticed a framed photograph of a bunch of strangers in my living room. Next to the television. I couldn't remember why it was there. I hardly ever notice my house. Things lay, neglected and dusty. I have often wanted to have a life in which the mind is beautiful, you know. So I don't much focus on making the house beautiful. In the last decades, I've managed neither. Anyway.

I picked up the photograph and stared closely. I could spot myself in the last row. A different version of me, of course. I am, ageless, to be truthful. I was born with an older person's head. So I never feel I have been childish in the past. In the picture, my hair is tied up, I am wearing shorts and a favourite blue top. Next to me is someone I had recently met with back then.

This person, a girl, vivacious and affable had taken a keen interest in me at work. In fact, she suggested, we go out for Chinese lunch, just like that, out of the blue. I obviously couldn't turn her down and we became friends. The way an introvert and extrovert gel, we adhered to each other with a level of comfort I hadn't recently found in another human. 

This girl, she had her boyfriend introduced to me. He worked in one of the adjacent buildings. He came off as a reticent man. But when he spoke, it seemed, folks listened and intently. For some reason, could be my intense vulnerability, or me living alone, having moved into the city recently and not knowing another soul, the girl was reluctant to leave me unattended. I mean, she would hover around. And I, surprisingly, didn't rebuke her and let it be.

The couple, they never made me feel like I was third wheeling, you know. It was always like, we were friends hanging out. They started accompanying me to my Saturday night temple outings, instead of hitting the pubs in town. Who does that?

One day, the girl suggested we go the waterpark. I had never been to an amusement park. I didn't buy the idea of having an entire day set aside for fun activities. I wasn't good enough for such prizes. But she convinced me that I was. 

It was a Sunday and we took the bus to the outskirts. The day whizzed past wonderfully. I crossed the lazy river thrice. And there were tidal lakes and the joy of screaming hydrophobic strangers next to me as they drowned in waist high waves. Towards the end, we realised we didn't have a picture. So this was the last ride we took. 

It was one of those slides, roller coaster kind of thing where the cart with a dozen people crashed into the water. The picture was taken just before we crashed. Our jaws are wide open. Eyes are tremendously excited and we're screaming like there's no tomorrow.

I held the photo in my hands and realised that I had been keeping a photo of nine total strangers in my living room for over four years. The girl too moved away after she switched jobs, but not before breaking up with the reticent boyfriend. So, the only person I knew in the photograph was me. The rest were all strangers. In that brief moment, my agelessness came crashing down.

Fetch me

Come back to me, for tonight
I am right there,
Where you left me
In 2013

Outside the movie theater
Before the matinee show
In soft rain
Drenched in October

I've tried, to move on
Trust me when I say I have
And I've failed, unflinchingly
You're still the one of my dreams

Irreversibly damaged
Broken and exhausted
I'm furious at myself
For letting you leave me

Can't you come back
And fetch me
Unfuck up my life
Loosen the knots

Breathe air into my mouth
Tell me it's okay
To fail & be miserable
To be angry & unhappy

I want to be told this
I want to be gathered
In your arms
And watch that movie, we never did


Circus

The travelling circus party has halted in the city. They did that once in a few years. We lived in the hinterland, the villages. And were really little at that time. I'm talking early '90's. 

Aunties and mother, decided to take us to the city to watch the circus. The men were away at work. Those were the days when old women in the family booked a taxi and went to distant villages and fixed a girl for an uncle in marriage. Such girls then moved into our homes and became our aunties. And also there were vivacious daughters of the family, who were married at nubile ages, to government job holder men, and they were aunties too who visited from the city in summers and winters for respective vacations. 

And both categories of aunties and mother, decided to take the kids to the circus in the city. And there was no stopping. For some reason a taxi was not available. They never were, for immediate bookings. Those were the days when hardly anyone had cars and you had to tell the taxi driver weeks before. So somebody called an auto-rickshaw. Although now, it is difficult to imagine how so many of us fitted into one little auto-rickshaw, but we did. I remember one gigantic auto-rickshaw. The kind, that was probably not manufactured. 

The driver had a potbelly and a mustache. We, packed food in paper packets and water bottles, umbrellas and towels and embarked on the road trip to the city. It was more than fifty kilometres away. And with bad roads, that must have been a lot. A few of the women and children puked on the way. The auto must have been stopped. People must have complained that we would be too late for the circus. But thankfully we made it on time. 

The kids were excited beyond words. Tickets were bought with soiled notes from women who toiled in kitchens and saved money underneath pickle jars. You can't tag a value to such things. 

We got distant seats, but I don't remember regretting. Every show amazed us. The circus was held inside a gigantic tent of sorts. The seating area with rickety steel chairs was dimly lit. The stage had the brightest lights I'd ever seen. As trick after trick was performed by magicians, we, a family of a dozen women and children, huddled together, chatted, giggled and shushed each other. 

Petite little white girls hung from the roof with invisible ropes and relentlessly entertained us with their gymnastic prowess. Even our good old Indian girls did the same but the make up on their faces, outshone the lights. And we were besides ourselves to see white women, in bikinis, we had never seen someone so fair before. 

Animals were called upon. Ill fed tigers and elephants. Jokers who stood on storey high wooden legs hidden inside their pants and the littlest of kids were all wide eyed. 

When the show got over, we were all famished and thirsty and tired. But our pot-bellied auto driver had bailed on us. We looked everywhere, but he had taken an advance for the to and fro journey and left us in the lurch. The women got worried, it had already gotten dark. And there was no telephone to call and inform or get help.

One of mother's half a dozen brothers lived in the city. He was a big shot civil engineer who built bridges. Bridges that mother would show to us every-time we crossed them. How big a man would be, I wondered, who could build such enormous bridges. I realized he a was not that big, when we all sought refuge at his government quarters for the night. They were surprised to host so many and without notice, but what other choice did anyone have. 

The next day, after a visit to the city's big temples, and lunch at a roadside dhaba, the women and children headed back home in a bus. 

Man

What a little boy you were. With your impish smile. You hardly said anything provocative ever. You were so mild, subtle. Gentle even. I doubted if you were in love with me. Perhaps, not.

An infatuation? Yes, sure. It wasn't that long ago. But we were so much younger, you and I. Unhardened by life yet, unburdened. Cheery, dreamy even, hopeless and nevertheless filled with hope. So a crush, yes that's possible.

But love was beyond the horizon of possibilities. It always is. Now we have realised, love lapses, fades, moves on. But we didn't know this back then and were caught unawares. Naturally assuming that infatuations would, one day, convert to love, automatically.

But that never happened. We drifted, apart. Aged, lost as much as we gained. Then, thousands of nights later, I tried to imagine how you would be. Would there be lines under your eyes now? I closed my eyes to recollect your face. Nothing came to my head and my eyes saw blank. I tried again. Many other faces pushed into my recollection, but yours. I tried to discard them all and think of you again. Only you.

33

I regret everything
Not everyone, nor in the furthest of chances, I
Would appreciate, how it was possible, to ever
Regret everything
But I do
I am real
And I've messed everything up
This poverty of mind
Body, and complete lack of riches
I had never foreseen
My peers bathe in plentitude 
And I've even given up on envy
Now I merely scream into pillows
Hope isn't my alibi
For I relinquished it long ago
I reside among many absurdities
Wanting to crush my life like a crumpled sheet of paper
And throwing it into the infinity of space
I think of ending things
But still continue to be
Because the logistics of death aren't for me yet
Happy 33 to me

2020

A few years ago, we ate out, dinner in icy cold Shillong nights. Chicken kebabs, in restaurants that are now closed. And walked back in multiple jackets, scarfs, mufflers and whatnot. We were, so hopelessly romantic, looking for the one paramour.

A few years ago, we kissed the sun and wandered around Bombay beaches in sweltering summer afternoons. Slurping mango lassi at ten bucks a glass. Salty winds gushing through our tufts of hair, untamed. We could be everything, if we ever wanted. 

A few years ago, we hung out laundry to dry on crisp and breezy Bangalore Saturdays. We shopped for trinkets aimlessly in the evenings and drank in smokey bars and remembered other years.

A few years ago, in spring, in the home town, town of towns as strange flowers flowered and filled the air with addictive smells, we held mugs of creamy coffee in our hands, languorosly chatted and looked for the right words.

We don't know how we lived this long. But suddenly we're in 2020 and the world's ending. We've hardly ever been happy. But now that the literal apocalypse has been squeezed into a few months, here's to harbouring a silent hope, that we get to see 2021. 


Migration

Long ago, I lived in an old house surrounded by periwinkle bushes. A river flowed near by. We reared chickens and harvested eggs. Summer storms brought on a surfeit of mangoes. Then mother decided we needed better education. 

So we loaded every piece of furniture we owned in a minitruck and moved many many kilometres away. I still remember sighting the truck on top of the Mahanadi bridge, all our stuff covered precariously with a tarp behind. That was some summer day in the mid nineties.

By the time we reached our new home, the clouds had burst open. Ours was a two bedroom flat on the ground floor with a barren front porch. The soil looked like nothing would ever grow on it. I missed the periwinkle and the mangoes and the tall hibiscus trees that flowered in hundreds.

But soon I began to belong to the new place. I was so young and malleable. I joined a new school. I was about eight or nine. It wasn't the posh little montessori my little brother went to where they were taught vegetable painting with lady-fingers. 

I went to a bridge school. A school that would help me bridge the transfer from my older school in the village to the new english medium school in the city. The main motive behind the migration afterall was better education. 

The school I went to was nearby. I remember it being really tiny. Classrooms were as cramped as bedrooms and benches were pushed against one another. The walls has holes. I made a few friends. Somehow I never missed my old school from the village. Perhaps there was nothing to miss about it. Except a cartoon I had painted, framed and gifted to the principal before leaving. The principal was elated and he hung it on his wall. I longed to go back to solely procure that painting.

But the new tiny bridge school grew on me. It finished sometime in the afternoon and I always came home and ate lunch. One day it rained quite heavily and a friend of mine was stranded in school as nobody came to pick her up. I swooped in and suggested she come to my house.

Oddly, that day mother was at work and father was home. My little brother recited the rhymes he had been taught that day. My friend and I were both treated like guests in my own house. Father served us platters of fryums. Garnished and all. Glasses of fanta. And a plate full of boiled eggs, sliced into halves and sprinkled with pepper and salt. 

There were like half a dozen eggs on that plate. I had absolutely never felt that pampered. Eggs were special food for some reason. You always had one at a time. My friend was flabbergasted and decided to stop by often.

She never came again. I changed schools and joined where my brother went. On the first English test, I had scored 9 on 25. After years of crippling inferiority complex, I could barely adhere to that school. Somehow I always felt as if I was being pushed over some kind of edge. Never felt at home or safe anywhere for a long time that followed.


Failing

When I was about thirteen, a girl from the class above mine, flunked and came to sit in the bench behind me. She shared the bench with another girl who had flunked along with her. The teacher had made them sit together so that they could share their shame as well. But they didn't get along well at all. Almost immediately I started becoming friends with her. There was this innane frankness about her. And happiness. She was always giggling, chatting, laughing. Even as a kid that young, I remember being sad, afraid, angry. So our opposites attracted, perhaps.

She used to get idlis and curried peas in her lunch box. Everyday we began sharing lunch. We went to the water filter together to fill our bottles. We sat with each other in PT class. We talked, almost constantly. I had made a new friend. 

I used to be good at studies, I was almost about topping the class then. So it was an odd match. Even when my friend was repeating my class, she kept scoring badly in tests. Not that it hampered her joy. There was this certain effervescence about her that was inerasable. 

Since she was the weakest in math, her dad found her a tuition teacher who came to her house two days a week. I joined for the class too, along with a few other kids from the neighborhood. I now think I went solely because one of the senior boys was a neighbour of hers, and he I had a pretty bad crush on. But that's another story.

Our math teacher was excellent. He totally was a game changer for me because he made me like math. He caught me sleeping with my eyes open a few times and made fun of me adorably. But with my friend, he was more strict because he had promised her father he wouldn't let her fail again.

Her father was a businessman. Their apartment was big and flashy. My friend wore fancy clothes and was dropped off at school in a gigantic car. Often after the tuition I would stay back at her house and watch TV or just chat. And be treated with delicacies.

I told her everything that was on my mind. But she hardly ever shared anything. I imagined she had nothing going on in her head. So I let it be that way. Soon we passed out of school and parted ways. We wouldn't see each other for a long time. Because we had nothing in common anymore.

I started the gruelling journey of preparing for college entrance examinations. She casually meandered through 10+2 in a different school. I heard from somebody that she burnt her hands when a pan of hot maggi titled and fell off the stove. I didn't call her then, because I was just being me. Somehow that would be the last memory of her I would keep.

We weren't even friends on facebook. Wonder how that happened.

Then one day, when I was about eighteen or so, I heard she fell in love and eloped. With an older guy. That sounded so chain-breakingly liberating at that point in time, to me. I didn't even have a boyfriend. I was just fat and studious. 

More years went by, life really dumbed me down. That happens. A person I worked with invited me to his kid's first birthday. I happily obliged. At that party, I was lounging with a plate full of buffet Chinese food, when I saw a beautiful ten year old girl running around in a princess frock. Her mother loudly warned her to be more careful. It was my effervescent friend from school.

I was besides myself with joy to see her. She looked exactly the same except chubbier. Her daughter was only a younger version of her. She held a little baby boy in her arms. Her husband was a relative of my colleague's. We talked even though we didn't have much to talk about. Even though there was nothing to say, there was so much. I welled up inside. And yet, she was just smiling, giggling, like not a day had passed and she would pop open her lunch box and idlis would emerge. 

Safety-pin

I don't know how much a sense of shame men possess, in the mundane coming and going of things. Women for one, average day-to-day women are built to be ashamed. A hint of unintentional cleavage would crumple her. So I didn't know about you. 

Although sometimes when you would walk up to me and say hi, and chat while fiddling with your wedding ring, I would notice, in the folds of your shirt, a bit of your chest visible between buttons. Suddenly being conscious of it, I would look away. You wouldn't even know why I did what I did, finish our terse chat and walk away.

So, the other day, when you walked up to me, like a little boy, that you sometimes are and asked. In a nimble voice. If I had a safety-pin. Something had ripped your buttons open. You were holding your shirt together with your fingers. 

A trifle taken aback, I didn't know whether to stare at your face or your buttons. I involuntartily fished out my hand bag and started rummaging through all the pouches.

Simultaneously regretting that why being a woman I wouldn't keep basic stuff like a safety pin or a clip or a rubber band handy. Some women I have come across are so sorted, they carry everything from a snack of salted almonds to headache pills to scarves and god knows what not. And here I am, struggling to find a mere safety-pin.

You patiently waited through my dramatic search. I looked at you hopeless. I didn't have a safety-pin in my bag. You half smiled, perhaps and began walking away, still clutching your shirt together.

I asked someone else. She had one and fished it out immediately. I borrowed it from her for you. Although I didn't say it to her in as many words. And walked to you and handed it over. You grinned. This time, totally.

And right in front of me pinned your shirt right back. I didn't know where to look anymore. So I ingulged myself and inhaled that vision.