Walks To Remember

The ash from his cigarette hadn't died, when he flicked it off, it burnt a hole in my shawl. Of the exact girth of my index finger. And I kept fingering it for the length of the conversation.

There was a chill in the air, unusual for mid November. And a translucent fog hung from the trees. May be it was just us. Having missed the last few winters here, made everything look unusually new with a raw touch of nostalgia.

Like we were here sometime, when things were so different. And now, we are in the precise place, the very two same people, only older by a few years. And yet, the situation is the exact antithesis of what it was. The irony of life is never understated.

I had begun my writing here, there was something in the absolute quiet that had driven me to it. He had begun reading me here, admiring from a distance to begin with, then inched closer with well guarded steps.  Our individual spaces remained, however, we almost fused into one being. He would reiterate, how he was reborn in his mind, during that phase. We thought in parallels. In the exact same lines, it was unnerving. In what I wrote, I felt his invisible hand behind my mind.

Do you realize the kind of sync. Too good to be real, ain't it.

But no infatuation is timeless. Everything wears off, if you give it a few days. This shrewdness of life can never be understated. Either.

Everything comes a circle. We did too. By going back to the place to break it up, where we first met, we did too.

A lot has been said, already. So this is the last of the Walks To Remember, to the best of my belief.

Walks To Remember-7

I am not good at goodbyes. Often, they carry a lot of awkwardness along. I didn't know what this one was gonna  be like.

The night was unusually cold and we were out on a walk. Our last. Though nothing about it made it feel like a last walk, it was just another day, though colder, rain in the skies had been waiting for long. We weren't clingy or anything, rather effortlessly impersonal, I was my obvious self and he was letting me be. It was way past midnight, must have been. I didn't care to check, wanted to lose track of time, wanted not to keep record. Memory is bad luggage. Old trees flanked the road from both sides, there was not a soul anywhere. Like the night was lost in sleep, pretty much.

Just to remind him that we were still together, I screamed..

'Icecream!'
'What??'
'Let's have icecream!'
'Now?'
'Yeah'.

There was a store at the other end, needed a lot of walking.

'Can you go back all the way..?', he paused
'I could walk till the world's end tonite.'

For the icecream I meant. I din't know what he understood.

We would walk on the right side of the road, normally you walk on the left, don't you? But he wouldn't understand. He'd say, only if you walk on the right side would you see vehicles approaching. If you're on the left, how're you even supposed to know what's behind you. And hence I would surrender and we would walk opposing the whole world. Whenever an occasional car passed us, headlights would zoom right on my eyes and he would place his hand on them, like the light was hurting me or something. There were a lot of other things though, inside and hurting, the ones that he couldn't see and I wouldn't show.

At the store, I jumped at the sight of chocolate. While he was paying I broke the silence again.

'You won't have one?
'Nope, I'm good.'
'Ah what? There is no flavor manly enough? C'mon men too eat icecream!'

He stood there, smiling, letting me pull his legs, letting me be, before picking up a cone for himself. And then we began the walk back. It had gotten colder. I was shivering and licking the icecream, and he was staring, amazed. I wanted to take a screenshot.

'How can you do that?', he said trying to look shocked.
'Do what? I'm absolutely loving this. Cold beats cold.'
'Sorry, I can't finish this, would help you beat it better!', he gave his to me.

And so we began walking again. He lit a cigarette. I had devised this strategy to make him quit. I would ask for a puff whenever he smoked. And he obviously would throw it away. But that one time, he didn't. May be, he was trying to get used to noone stopping him henceforth. He immediately placed the cigarette between my lips and said, take it in.

And there we stood. Me, both hands full of icecream, lungs full of smoke, shocked, feeling really stupid. He was laughing like we'd actually reached the world's end.

Just then the waiting rain couldn't wait anymore. It gave in.

WTR-6

Walks To Remember-6

Our cab hadn't moved an inch in the last twenty minutes, that traffic could put a snail to shame. We

decided walk down the distance.

'You don't have dust allergy, do you?', he asked. I wondered if this one was better than his previous conversation starter which was something like gazing at a bsnl 3g billboard and saying, 'doesn't she look like a

snake?'

'You do?', he quipped again.

'What? Dust allergy? no. why should i?'

'I thought you had the same zero-tolerane policy for

everything in life'

I was trying to figure out what had caused that kind of a jam. Turned out that some stupid festival the city hosted was having its closing ceremony. And all highways were choked. He poked in again as we slipped in between cars that had hopelessly turned off their engines. 'Hey Look!' ,he said pointing at the sky that was lit up with breathtaking fireworks..thanks to the same cause that was making us so walk the talk.

'I wonder if we could afford such a waste'

'You think it's your money they are burning rightaway, don't you?

I looked up at him and said, 'Did you know that fifty percent of this state is struggling bpl?'

'How do you make it a point to be sad about everything dude?

'Don't call me dude'

The impasse got moresevere. I am talking about the one on the road. The one in between us somehow never surprises me. We probably are tryin to understand each other's silences. And most of our tete-a-tetes remore like a war of words. Any one would prefer silence.

'Why don't you wear heels?'

'What?', i feigned a surprise.

'Why don't you wear heels?'

'Why should I?'

'We will look better that way, I guess'

'Why do 'we' need to look better? Can't you just let it be the way it is?'

'See nine inches is not a difference, it's almost a gulf,

don't you think?

I gave him one hell ofa sarcastic stare.

'Oh, the point is everytime we talk I don't want you to crane your neck with an eighty-five degree angle of inclination. See you already have spondylitis'

I tried to hold my laughter tight between my cheeks. I wondered why tall guys were ominous and always brought me bad luck.

Eventually my cheeks gave up though..

There is something here that I think you can spare one read for..


WTR-5

Walks To Remember-5

read WTR-4? Y/N

'Hey..'

Oh that's his new cosmo way of greeting people huh? He's changed.

I must've changed too. Let's find out & fix it. once and for all..

Ismiled, slowly reluctantly..

'I had heard that you ae here, in this city'

'Now that you've seen me, you know I am here..' i said with a tinge

of sarsastic obviousness..

'So whatare you doin here?'

'Here as in now?'

'okay, what the hell re yu doin here, at this late an hour? you aren't

lost or anything right?'

like he cared? I laughed in my mind..

He laughed out aloud, I didn't want to ask him why.. we were

standin in the middle of nowhere, people zooming past, time gliding

by.Yet i was unable to realise the enormity of the situation, of

having met someone from the past who i had absolutely no chances

of meeting. and in a matter of minutes he would be gone never to

meet me again. could ihold these certain seconds in my hands.

'I can walk you till the taxi stand?'said he.

Nothanx I can walk onmy own.whattajoke!

'You said something?'

'Yes'

'and what was that?'

'What?'

'yeah, what did you say?'

'Did you hear me say something?'

'Nope Ididn't'

'How else do you suppose that I said something? You can read

minds orsomething?'

'Oh fire!'

I turned up toface him and smiled at his now surprised face.

Walks To Remember-4

read WTR-3? Y/N

Desire? What is that?

It's been three years I moved out of that place. Where I was stuck

for sometime. That one moment when I thought I almost found

you. But you walked away into the dark and refused to come back.

And I ended up in a city with lots of cabs, none when you need one.

A place where there are more people and I am only lonlier. The

traffic is so sluggish and life is as fast. It's breathtaking. Life is life

threatening attimes. And I haven't thought once about you all these

years.

I was walking down the flight of stairs that take me home. The dull

lightof the evening was profound. Someone was playing music. I

stood for a while and walked on..

I realised that I had been following a black blazer for long. Doesn't

matter. Round the corner he would obviously take some turn and I

will take the other. And I would be alone again.

Taking random rounds, twice thrice, when I have had enough of

my hopeless pondering I would take a cab to the place I call home.

I wish I could record the name of my place andkeep replaying it

everytime a cab passes me, making memore hopeless by the minute.

Every face around is a strange one. Though the place seems strangely

familiar. The black blazer has turned around.

In the faint light, he gives me a hint. I have known him. I get

curious first. Nervous then. Frozen fingers to sweaty palms.

It's you.

One of my usual Saturday evenings, I was trying to find my way

back through the dark, but I found you. You.

..to be continued

Walks To Remember-3

Care to read Part-2? Y/N

Read on...Part-3

I was sure that my Saturday evening excursions were going to remain as solitary and undisturbed as before. I had proved it to him that he was just any other guy for me. I had nothing to prove to myself, I was so damn confident about myself, my decisions were so not trapped up
in my emotions as before...I would nott remain a teenager anymore in a month or two.

I had seen him in some restaurant with one hot chick last Wednesday. I would have not smiled at him otherwise, but I did. He had responded
awkwardly. I definitely wanted my presence to be acknowledged. My glad smile would have left him with no face to come back this Saturday. But that generous smile that had bloomed on my face that time was somewhat superficial. Typical 'girl-thing' you know. No! How would you
know?

On my way back on Saturday, I was feeling some kind of a relief come over me. But he found me again. He smiled at me as if we hadn't met earlier...that Wednesday. 'Is he under the impression that I suffer from short-term amnesia or something' I thought. A sarcastic giggle rippled within me, as I didn't return that smile of his. Self-pity and cynicism have always been parts of me...I can't do without them.

He added a "hi". I looked up at him, stretched my lips into a vague smile...looked down again. This is the last time anyway, I thought. I am too mature to understand everything, i have seen so much of the world, and don't you dare think I am naive enough to fall into such traps now...

"Sorrry, I am late" said he.

You think I was waiting for you, haan? Very funny!

"So what were you doing there on Wednesday? Never thought you do hang around with the other girls."

He takes me to me that dumb, disgusting! It is all about a fair face, lovely locks and 36 24 36. Anyway, never mind!

"That was a treat that I had been taken to...by the girl you saw me with, the other day", his voice shook.

Did she kidnap you to treat you?

I was silent all through...not a word uttered. And my muteness was irking him, or so he showed.

A "Wow, great!" escaped my lips...and my lips curled to produce a smile...I tried to hide any bitterness that was oozing from within me.I then continued, "Many guys would kill to go on a date like that". I giggled at him. I realized that i was teasing him. Oh My God!

Now what would I expect him to reply? Something like---Oh not my problem actually, I am so affable, I am made into a magnate whenver women are concerned...

My expression tried to convey him...'Why are you trying to explain things to me Mr. So & So? Who am I?'

And this time he came close to contradicting my 'every-other-guy' prejudice about him. He stayed mum for some time.
And I didnot want to believe it when i heard,"I come here every Saturday, not for nothing, you know".

Then he shrugged and sighed. Looked straight into my eyes, I got locked in that gaze...until I could bear no more of it! It was as if his vision could penetrate into my deepest insides...and he could see my past & present in one glance.

Even I before I could react, I saw him walking away into the wilderness, merging with the darkness from which he had appeared.

Walks To Remember-2

Walks To Remember-1 is here

This Saturday, I reached a little late than usual. Within myself, there was a big fight going on, should I go, or shouldn’t I?

I did go, only half an hour late. A part of me was relieved not to find him there. I just couldn’t get myself to concentrate. Basically I go to the temple every Saturday, to talk to God. People chill out with their buddies; I unwind in the company of God.

But do I need to mention I was disappointed? Yeah, I was!

Why do I do this again and again? Why can’t I teach myself a simple thing? Why can’t I be self-sufficient? Why do I expect things from people? And all this after the stone hearted men never cared to look back? Why?

As I was leaving I found myself smiling. At someone who had a bigger smile stuck on his face…

‘I thought you wouldn’t come’, he began.

‘Naa, I just got screwed up in the hostel, something turned up in the last moment’

‘Mmmm…. all the hostel responsibilities are thrust upon thy frail shoulders!’

I looked up at him…and raised eyebrows must have told him why-do-you-care-&-you-think-I-am-frail-huh?

When will my ‘stay-away’ attitude bid me adieu, oh! Man!

And we began walking. This time, he didn’t find it necessary to ask whether he could accompany me or not! Took me for granted I guess.

He talked a lot this time. I am someone very much in love with herself. I can never have anytime for someone outside my world. So I never was a patient listener. I call myself very selfish that way. But as he talked, I realized, that an interest rose from some place I never knew existed. I wanted to know more about everything about him. I tried to ward him off my mind, by telling myself ‘I have too many issues in my head, to look into yours, Excuse me!’ But I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. And, I did try pretty hard. I always try hard not to fall.

‘So you ‘got yourself rid of your deeds huh?’

I looked at him, and smiled. He grinned. He was no ways perfect, I realized, but nice he was in every possible way…

Again I was walking as if I was I had lost my toes; I realized my face muscles were static. But there was some movement happening within. I was elated. I tried to find out, whether it was for those much craved for evening walks coming true, or for the company of this person.

It was not the first time with me, that I meet some person and I cannot stop thinking about him, so I tried to push him away. And then it occurred that he had stopped talking from quite some time, there was a fearful silence between us. And the road was lonely.

The trees bent down to see what was cooking between the two of us, and then all of a sudden, darkness flew in. I went pale…all the streetlights went off…and I forgot which way I was walking. In a situation as this I always call out, “Mummy!!!” and I did it then also. For a moment I wanted to cry.

Then I could feel his fingers around my wrist, he lead me back home.

Walks To Remember

Episode 1: -

I have always had an instinctive feeling that I would meet my soul mate on any of my Saturday evening temple visits. Soul mate is not the boy friend; soul mate is not the future husband. He is the one who complements my soul.

So when this fellow brushed arms with me while taking the charnamrit, I definitely could not neglect it as nothing. Anyway, I didn’t look at his face. I am a girl. And have been taught to look down. And I do this as an act of self-defense. I want to shirk away from that there are other people who exist on earth, beside me. While I was turning away, I heard a ‘Sorry’. I pretended as if I had not heard it and as if I was in a hurry. There was hardly anyone around, and so I thought I should leave. As I was toeing down the stairs and having a final look at the ‘face-of-God’ I raised my eyes, to see the guy smiling. Rare that a guy smiles at me. Such a poker face that I am. I didn’t smile back.

I halted to tie the straps of my sandal, and then would walk back to my hostel. That’s what I do every Saturday evenings. On my way back, I look at the God-like Mountains that bound my college campus. Also this is my only time to star and moon gaze in the entire week. I watch couples walk by, hand-in-hand. So much in love. And I certainly had some expectations from my life also.

But today, there was this guy who said, ‘You are in second year, right?’

Me: -‘Hmmmm…. ya’. I wanted to run away. I saw on his face, an impish curl of lips.

I had never seen him. Damn! Two years at this place, and I don’t know all the fellow humans who are here like me to acquire knowledge!

‘I’m so-&-so’

‘Okay, I guess I have to go’

‘Aaaa…. I guess we can walk together till your hostel, I am going that way anyway.’

I look at him again. Oh! Guts!!!

‘It’s dark, and some ghost might just make his evening snack out of you’

And before I said my next word, I realized, we were walking together. ‘Electrical huh?’, he asked

‘Yeah’, I mumbled….

I was feeling stupid. Being a girl in a college where the sex ratio is as horrendous as 12:1, there are females who are quite like stars in the boys’ hostels, without them knowing it. But me? No ways…I used to be a behenji until a moment ago!

With all my pre-conceived notions about men, I hardly can take any in my life. I just can’t believe anything they say. I wouldn’t call them prejudice, because I am cent percent sure about my findings. And this one? Why on earth was I walking with this guy I don’t happen to know! Just because I didn’t know how to run?

‘Heard, you come here every Saturday?’

‘Ya, I do. Just to get myself rid of the deeds of the week.’

There was a silence, a pregnant one. I said ‘get myself rid of’? Blunder!

May be he is laughing out loud at me inside his heart. Who knows? He is just an agent sent my class guys to find out what ‘behenji’ does in the temple…

My feet wanted to fasten pace. But I wanted to slow down. I was held back by thoughts. I had always wanted to go out on prolonged evening walks on these tree shrouded roads…cool breeze, my companion and me. The companion should of course be should be far from intruding, like a part of the darkness. And even then I should be conscious of the warmth of his breath, the spark of his company.

Coming back to the present, what was happening at present? He was presence was so innocuous and err..nice... Like a part of the darkness. An invisible chord of chemistry linked our persons.

People walked by, people cycled by. They looked at us. I was looking down at the road, as if I had lost two of my toes or something.

‘When did you come back here?’, he broke the ice…

‘Me? Thursday!’

‘I had to return a week earlier, for my project submission and stuff’

‘Alright’

‘I’m a year senior’

‘I see’

Did he not get bored of my monosyllabic answers?

‘You are the only one who comes to the temple hun? None of ya friends and all?’

I try to give him one of those why-do-you-care kinda looks.

‘Religious!’ he sighed.

‘Not exactly! But spiritual!

‘Gotcha!’ he chuckled.

As if he understood everything! Because I am something, no one understands…

I saw my hostel approach. He hadn’t asked my number yet. Surprising!

Hell! All the guys do that, or I guess so.

After a couple of minutes, I found myself standing near my gate, watching my ‘so-&-so’ disappear into the darkness…

‘See ya next Saturday’ were his parting words…