An Ode to Google Talk

It was a fortunate coincidence that she met him when she met him. Because a few years down from there, she would lose her penchant for people. 

It was one of those casual internships they were at, in their summer break. She was with her loud group of girls, who discussed clothes and boys. He was with his mischievous gang of backbencher boys who never lost a single chance to pass a harmless comment on the above gang of females. Obviously, never was a comment passed on her, she was rather, how does one put it, but for the lack of a better word - plain. And but of course, he was never the one who opened his mouth much at these things. But when anyone looked at him, it was obvious, he was very much a party to everything. 

The internship was at an electrical transmission company. And the heat of the summer could bake the little humans when left outside for long. So, in the non stop to and fro between examining the electrical equipment outdoors to rushing indoors to sit in the air conditioning for a few minutes, an unusual camaraderie blossomed between the both of them. Between them, the air was always friendly, things were said with a tease but nothing mean was ever meant. Things would continue to remain platonic, because, her head was in the clouds and he was perhaps, not interested, perhaps had a girlfriend back home, nobody knew. And a curiosity of that nature, never came into the picture either. 

With the summer and the internship over, both parties, headed back to their respective campuses and would have lost touch subsequently, eventually, but for a few things, they did not. Firstly because, he read her poetry. And she knew he somewhat connected with her angst regarding the - human condition. The frustration of this all. And he was a bright dude, so she never quite got why he could relate to her shit. Therefore, she had him earmarked as someone who was not mundane and understood things deeply.

And secondly because, he kept her from flunking a crucial course. There was something about this course - electrical machines - that she wanted to understand it from within. You know. When you're studying engineering, sadly a lot of it is rote learning. You just cram a lot of stuff the night before the test, puke it out in the test in the morning. But she did not want to do the same with this course as this course solely would stand for her entire engineering degree. So she buckled up and decided to give it a shot. The petit professor who taught the class was good, but the drawings on the board looked like hieroglyphics. So our girl turned to our guy. And there was google talk. They never called each other. 

They stayed up nights and he coached her inside and out. Somebody would have thought there was something going on but this was a pure unvarnished academic connection. It took them a few weeks but soon she was all caught up with her petite professor. Afterwards, she would keep going back to him with err- doubts. But the cardinal concepts of electrical machines had been juiced up and gulped down her esophagus. And let there be no doubt, if ever he was in the wrong, she would drag him back into the right, by throwing caution to the wind. 

But college ended and soon they started new lives. But somehow those new lives didn't start ideally for anyone. She was stuck in someplace she would rather not be in. Meaning, all she had ever wanted was to get away. But she couldn't. Later on in life, she would realize and appreciate, that there was no such thing as getting away, ever. But she didn't know that back then. And he was, well - in a confusing place. He had the job he always wanted, but not many other things were in his favor, if we want to leave it cryptic enough. 

Somehow, one day, he saw her jogging in the park. He was not in the park, per se. He was driving by. How he could make out it was her through that distance of distance and through that distance of time, is something she could never ascertain. But that night, he pinged her again. 

Depression

I've been struggling with somethin'
And let it be said out loud that 've been strugglin' hard
My head's been shrunk
Can't hold no more
Sometimes I'm feelin'
That I'll crack open like a peanut's shell
Or go up in flames, like a bomb
Boom, and nothing is left
Most dangerously, of all these 
Sometimes I don't want morning to come
That is, before I sleep, I wish the sun don't rise
'Tis that bad
Ain't got nobody to talk to 
'Cuz I've shun my mates
Shun them all, and for good
My writing, the only thing, I truly ever had
For the sake of havin' anythin'
Doesn't stop getting worse, every day
Got no love
'Cuz love's hard
So hard, that I'd rather not
I can't eat, didn't think this was ever possible
But can't hold a morsel, and bring it to my mouth
If ever, I'm able to gather myself
All I can do do is cry, and relentlessly
Weep in writhing pain
And exaggerating, I ain't
There's nothing left for me, here
And I'm lost. 

Pro'ly, should be seen' that shrink. I should.  



Sweetheart

You've done well for yourself.

Who am I kidding? You were always the good kid. So this doesn't necessarily surprise me. At all. Let me take this opportunity to express, how truly happy I am for you. I know, not everything is what it seems on the surface. Let me rephrase that. Is anything ever what it seems on the surface? Don't think so. A lot in this world happens to merely keep up with appearances. 

The rosiness of lives is utterly lost in its dark and disturbing underbelly. Adulthood is difficult. Pretending to be a whole person is hard, when you've got parts of yourself flung up in the air. Not just because there are bills to be paid and jobs to be done. It's also on account of the fact that everything we are is a disturbing contradiction. You know?

We begin life believing in some things. And for quite a long stretch, we're taught, deeply and precisely, how accurately wrong we were. We waste away years, unable to grasp to simple truths, hold ironies in our little hearts that embitter us, make us so cynical that we become monstrosities within, fashioned in facades on the outside. 

I have become that. And for the sake of all that is holy, I have given up. I choose to be embittered, lost, pained, forever fighting the voids that are capturing my insides, day after day after day. And I cannot care enough to dress in facades, hence I am just my true unclothed self. I am an angry, disappointed and exhausted adult. Locked in my own chains. Muted, hearing my own screams constantly inside my fucking head. I am.

But you. Sweetheart. 

Allow me to call you that, it's been ages. When I loved you, I loved you with the passionate intensity of a nineteen year old. It feels crazy now, and also impossible, to have ever been capable of loving that way. Anyone or anything.  I am not capable of that love anymore. I hang in between thin threads of obligations.

But sorry, I was writing about you.

You've done well for yourself. Some of what appears may be a sheen. May be. But I am sure all that glitters for you, is gold from within. I hope I am not fantasizing and I truly wish you the happiness you deserve. Everyone deserves happiness, love. And why wouldn't you.

Despite everything that happened, I have always thought of you with affection. I will not lie, sometimes I've been upset. Regretful. But that's inevitable. Over the years, so many many still years, when all that has happened in our lives is just everyday, I have always remembered you with glee. The way memories fade, I am sure a few more years later, all I would remember is the glee itself and I would have erased you, involuntarily. So let me write this today.

Sweetheart.

I hope, being married to her makes you feel lucky everyday. Because that's what marriage is supposed to make one feel. Lucky. I hope you hold her hand every now and then. I know you do. I hope you smell her frizzy hair and take off her spectacles so that her vision fades a little, before you kiss her on the forehead, once in a few days. You two, so do look like the couple who would do that. 

She's an infinitely charitable woman. I know this, if not more about her. She has lot of mercy in her soul. Lot of compassion. I cannot imagine how anyone can be that way because all I feel in my soul is a certain soullessness I cannot translate into words. So I am thankful, you ended up with her. That you moved on from me and found her. Life's nice that way, isn't it.

And we shall let today be, precisely about that.

Sweetheart.

Happy Valentines'