YASP IV

chasing a faceless man again, succumbing to his whims, waiting endless nights, broodin over hundred possibilities, cryin over the impossibilities, indulgin in wishful thinkin that in retrospect feels criminal, i am wastin away, promisin maself the curse of another heart break, yet another era of numbness, sorrow that can't be fathomed, sorrow that can be cynically laughed at years later, days of yearnin for his company, wakin up with his thoughts ingrained..

one thing i am gonna gift myself for sure this new year is a feel of perfect deja vu.. ;)

Walks To Remember-5


read WTR-4? Y/N



'Hey..'

Oh that's his new cosmo way of greeting people huh? He's changed.
I must've changed too. Let's find out & fix it. once and for all..

Ismiled, slowly reluctantly..

'I had heard that you ae here, in this city'

'Now that you've seen me, you know I am here..' i said with a tinge
of sarsastic obviousness..

'So whatare you doin here?'

'Here as in now?'

'okay, what the hell re yu doin here, at this late an hour? you aren't
lost or anything right?'

like he cared? I laughed in my mind..

He laughed out aloud, I didn't want to ask him why.. we were
standin in the middle of nowhere, people zooming past, time gliding
by.Yet i was unable to realise the enormity of the situation, of
having met someone from the past who i had absolutely no chances
of meeting. and in a matter of minutes he would be gone never to
meet me again. could ihold these certain seconds in my hands.

'I can walk you till the taxi stand?'said he.

Nothanx I can walk onmy own.whattajoke!

'You said something?'

'Yes'

'and what was that?'

'What?'

'yeah, what did you say?'

'Did you hear me say something?'

'Nope Ididn't'

'How else do you suppose that I said something? You can read
minds orsomething?'

'Oh fire!'

I turned up toface him and smiled at his now surprised face.





another untitled

we spent the rest of our days taking random walks from one point in the city to another. stopping wherever we felt like to have coffee, buy chocolate or other trinkets. not one moment were we reminded that the chances of another meeting in future, near or far was remote. the new found luxuries were courtesy, the chauffeur driven car that would pick us up no matter where we were stuck. we could concentrate on the other better things that deserved a space in our spheres of cognisance

we walked our evenings away on the sidewalk of an eight lane highway, to and fro. when we felt we had reached our proverbial endpoint, we reversed. on the way we made a list of the places we would love to go to but would never make itto, and then laughed at ourselves. real loud.

we walked opposite to the vehicles so that they don't get to see our faces and we kept crossing the highway and switching directions at random, again, whenever we felt like

sometimes we lost ourselves in smoke. mostly that smokecame from the cigarette. otherwise weburnt ourselves to make up all that smoke. mostof the time silence was like a third person between us. otherwise ourstrings matched to an unhealthy extent and the symphony of that resonance was almost deafening  

#hangover of jargon#

shelly: U know everythin
B: yeah, now I do
shelly: yet, this is the way you choose to be
B: I don't want to hurt you shelly
shelly: Yu'l hurt me anyway
B: silent
shelly: anyway yu'l go away, leavin shelly
the way she was
B: I wish i could do anythin but that
shelly: but that's what u'l ultimately do, B.
B: B'l do anythin to lessen your hurt
shelly: then be nice to me now, the way
yu've always been. 'coz that's precisely why
i fell for you and i want not to fall out of
it..anymore, now
B: this hasno future shelly. ths can't be an
asset in the long term. all that we do
nowwill be a liability of sad memories for
the rest f yur life..
shelly: no jargon B. shutup.
B: okay shelly!
shelly: i want to strike a judicious trade-off
between a long term liability of sad
memories and one moment of nascent
happyness now..
B: anythin for you?
shelly: Anyway you will hurtme B 'coz yu ar
goin away. it's a matterof few months an
then i won't see anymore of yu//..
B: right.
shelly: you have two ways of goin about it.
you can hurt me now or you can hurt me
later.

i ask you to hurtme laterr,please..not now

don't think about the future, just b the B
shelly's known..shelly's fallen for, with a
thudd..!

B: yeah, alr8..



Quote in the Pic: Over 2.85 lakh women read the Economic Times

Walks To Remember-4

read WTR-3? Y/N

Desire? What is that?

It's been three years I moved out of that place. Where I was stuck
for sometime. That one moment when I thought I almost found
you. But you walked away into the dark and refused to come back.

And I ended up in a city with lots of cabs, none when you need one.
A place where there are more people and I am only lonlier. The
traffic is so sluggish and life is as fast. It's breathtaking. Life is life
threatening attimes. And I haven't thought once about you all these
years.

I was walking down the flight of stairs that take me home. The dull
lightof the evening was profound. Someone was playing music. I
stood for a while and walked on..

I realised that I had been following a black blazer for long. Doesn't
matter. Round the corner he would obviously take some turn and I
will take the other. And I would be alone again.

Taking random rounds, twice thrice, when I have had enough of
my hopeless pondering I would take a cab to the place I call home.
I wish I could record the name of my place andkeep replaying it
everytime a cab passes me, making memore hopeless by the minute.
Every face around is a strange one. Though the place seems strangely
familiar. The black blazer has turned around.

In the faint light, he gives me a hint. I have known him. I get
curious first. Nervous then. Frozen fingers to sweaty palms.

It's you.

One of my usual Saturday evenings, I was trying to find my way
back through the dark, but I found you. You.

..to be continued

YASP-III



when god made you
he must have been drunk
that's how
yu probably
got his eyes
passionately red
and searching
for god knows who


Temptation is good.
But Indulging & Regretting is even Better.


YASP-II



life is a silent dame
she doesn tellme
where shez takin me
i jus hope
that she is takin me
only
closer to you

YASP

One of my girlfriends found herself a cute guy. And the guy found
her in return. She wanted me to come over and meet. That meant
one thing- I would need to behave myself.

My opinions were obviously no more welcome. I was supposed to
make my presence felt as someone greatly elated with whatever
happens. And yet not cross those borders around passivity. And yet
be there for them. It is not as complicated as it seems. I have been
out with couples and prospective couples, before.

There was a phase when my opinions were asked for and
considered. There was a phase I was tired of romantic-consulting
offered free of cost. The questions made were on the lines of 'Will he
be right for me?' and in more sentimental modes of feminine
submissiveness 'Do I deserve him?' and etc. All those questions
were to be answered reassuringly affirmatively. Followed by many
chocolate-sauce-on-the-brownie sms's (or whatever the plural of
sms is). Sometimes third persons warn me I shouldn't push people
into relationships. But I hardly ever do that. They are willing
anyway.

This meeting was imperative. It was like a promise we made when
we were blossom buddies. Walking dark roads on cold evenings
throughout college, these were some of the treaties signed. To
show each other the person we were so going to live the rest of our
lives with. So she was simply complying to one such
understanding..

And the job is fun too. I will tell you why. As girls we shared some
typical notions. Now looking at those things happen for real would
be looking at the past through a wall of glass. You can see
everything so clearly and yet can't get back. Every moment you
feel like telling her how she thought he should be so-and-so but
now he has turned out to be not-so-and-not-so. But since she has
lost all sense of logic you dont utter a word except uttering what's
so a part of etiquette. You wonder how good the guy has made the
transition from 2-D to 3-D. From the pics of him that she sent you,
to real person of flesh and blood you are going to lose her to.

Relationships break away friendships. But I understand. That's life.
It probably is a set of ever changing priorities.

PS: YASP is for Yet Another Silly Post

Vent.

I hate the situation where in I know a change is imperative and I
further know that I have the guts in me to bring it about, but I am
not doing so and I have no excuse to substantiate my inaction. I
allot half the blame on the situation, rest to me. The fact that I am
an escapist stares me in the eye. And I take it lying down.

My cell phone has been having problems with me lately. And my
laptop is ditching me to add to it. With the two most significant
characters of my life conspiring against me at the same time, I am
screwd.

I stick to deadlines. EOD means End of Day..and not a second after
that. But there are few people who believe that Day Ends at 5 pm.
And such people are the people I cannot take.

That brings us to another caveat. I have no space for things and
people who are illogical. (Some things are exempted from the
wrath of this statment). We all like things that are straight-cut. We
all do. Such People who define norms, pretend that they are not
loving those norms themselves but do not let me defy them either,
by their over-imposing presence. And fret about it. WTF~

I do not open my mouth until I am provoked. Before that
everything is but waste of time and energy. I despise Desperate
Partcipations of people. I absolutely loathe people who play the
language game i.e. who make poor lil simple things look very very
complicated. I abhor 'bakar' and all its distant cousins.

By default I am a lazy human. I work only when and only when not
working would absolutely not do, i.e. if I were a cell phone, that
'Emergency Calls Only' thing would be perennially written on my
face. But I understand my core responsibilities. And I hope that you
understand that this doesn't contradict me being an escapist
otherwise.

Some People(*) blame me that I write about love and only about it
and that I am some stupid frustrated female, this is especially for
them.. many of them would like be here on my blog anyway..

Yes I am frustrated. Not just with love, but with a dozen things
besides that. I am frustrated with the way you (*) are!

And You(*) can go on only until one fine rainy day, I am provoked.

taken away

me: are you upset?
K: not a bit.
me: honestly?
K: if there is a thing mundane that still has the power to upset you then you aren't quite accustomed to life as it is.
me: oh! but you could simply tell me what happened instead of playing a word game.
K: let's not analyze and evaluate the situation this way. everythin fades. everythin needs a little bit of time to do so.
me: you want me to leave you alone?
K: no.
me: ok..

Pause..Long Pause

me: imagine you are on a highway..
K: okay..then?
me: the sunset is getting closer and you're alone
K: so..
me: So, do you want music of any kind?
K: Yeah..!
me: any song in particular?
K: No, I don't want music..
me:and do you want to move a little back in time?
K: where is that supposed to taken me?
me: to the afternoon we left behind.
K: alright..afternoon
me: It's cloudy now..had been sunny day. Do you hear any sounds?
K: yes of course, there are others zooming past..
me: and they are honking..that sound stretches across the air and stays with you for some seconds after its gone..
K: yeah..
me: but you're takin it slow..
K:yeah I am very tired of speed. Genuinely tired of it..
me: and so you're sticking to the edge of the highway, letting others leave you behind and not caring a bit about it.
K: yeah..not caring a bit about it..
me: do you like what you see?
K: I see tall trees on both sides..merging on top of the road
me: like forming a canopy/
K: I see fields of lush green..of probably paddy
me: and you want to get down and find for yourself?
K: yeah..

short Pause..

K: they have been watered sometime back, i think. that moisture has drenched the air
me: and that air you breathe in..isn't it enlivening?
K: Let's get back on the highway? I want a walk
me: can you see the milestone? what does it say?
K: Can't read. It's dark now. Don't care to read. Not all distances wants to be measured..
me: Do you know your destination?
K: No
me: you're walking away on the highway. And now the sunset is approaching. Cars with their headlights on zoom in and out of vision, blinding you for a while, and in between yu see the the road ahead in a semi-lit darkness.
K:Hmm..
me: Very few things matter to you now. You can see through life..
K:

Pause..Long Pause

K: you there?
me: -jerked out of sleep- are you done?

X-X-X

I am a seasoned stoic.
And in this I see my only Bliss



I write not because it is my passion
But because it is my only respite.

once Upon stilettos..!

did you graduate?

mm? ||surprise takes over my face||

or in the final year?

Uh..nope. i did.. '09

okay! cool

yeah. very

it's been two years.. you lose track of thins ||matteroffactly||

yep i know ||stupid grin-you keep jumblin up the girls yu met-for future ref: pls remember

there is only one order ..chronological||

so where is it that you work? ||obviousness again-yu'r sure about everythin uh||

oh no place unfortunately has had the privilege to have me workin fothem.. || forced smile||

||he breaks into sly laughter|| an why so?

caz equally unfortunately i'vn had the privilege to work fothem..

||silence-mild questionin eyez||

still studyin.. masters

oh!

yeah.. ||purely an powerfully smilin now-sayin that 'yeah' thrice inside my mind or more||

NB: Your life is the collection of people you'v met. An' so is mine. An' it neen't be any other
way but this. I'l live with the meanagerie they'v creat-ed inside me.













afternoon..

there have been long afternoons and i have roamed around
in the shrinking sunlight. where i lived was a place far away.
there were bunches of guava trees. old mango trees with
trunks very wide. scrapping off their bark was my favourite
game and also gathering yello leaves that had fallen off the
boughs onto the ground. the noon-shy soil, that would be
moistened by the dew all night.

of flowers i remember moonbeam. and of course hibiscus
that had branches entwined, so that snakes could live in
them, peacefully. i dug in small holes the in ground and put in
them the stems of the hibiscus buds that i plucked. and in the
morning i looked at them an wondered what made them
bloom into flowers so full.

moonbeam and hibiscus taught me the colors i know, white
an red, black came much later. there were jackfruit trees a
couple of decades old. and i remember being told, who had
planted which, and if a ghost lived under it. because late in
the evening when you are asked to run from one home to
another, you may come across a beautiful girl with her face
hidden behind a white veil, sitting under the jackfruit tree like
she was both praying and waiting. and you are supposed to
know that she is a ghost.

there were herds of monkeys that came hunting in the
afternoon. they were chased off the orchard. sometime in a
forced siesta you would hear a tree branch break and you
would know they have arrived. then i would tip-toe into the
courtyard before anyone wakes up to makes cups of milky
tea that were to be served in maroon cups with broken
edges, later in the afternoon. the mokeys who were chased
off the orchard would be quietly waiting on the roof. i
remember givin them brinjals and cucumber and the leaves
of cauliflower..and looking at them eat, and then slitherin
back on to the bed like i never got up..

such were my afternoons. but one day came a mighty storm
and wiped it all off my life. now it's like remembering things
that never happened/..

soliloquY

~ hope i've spelt the title correctly, there are some things yu can almost never fix and get done with, once-and-for-all

~When put inside a decision box]
I end up takin impassioned decisions
instead of correct decisions
I haven been brave enuf

/More often than not
my decisions have chosen me\
instead of vice versa..

I don't regret caz it's too tirin
Too drainin
and takes a weekend to recover
I let my mistakes be
Never ask!

~this is the last time i'm talking about trees on my blog, lemme get done with it.

i realised it when i heard my cell ring
had been standing in the middle of the world
lookin at a tree,
i'm livin in autumn, tis heaven
the concerned tree has turned yellow
i.e. golden for me
an it's standin upright in the sun
an sheddin its leaves, one-by-one
they are free-fallin
an i've been standin there
trynu to feel the free fall of the leaf of gold
until my cell rang

~Sometimes i wonder i wonder where i am headed
I am not sleeping nights
And oversleeping throughout afternoons into nights
Waking up more sickly and sour-mouthed
teary~eyed, guilty for letting sleep seduce me..

~ All my life I ran not a race
but one
All my life I ran this rat race/
I have been dragggin my feet on the
Road that seemingly isn't takine me some/nowhere

~ finally but one tribute to my undyin yU..!
i looked for you in the tunnels of the dark, and in the chambers of my heart, but nowhere were you to be found. totally nowhere, absolutely nowhere. then i sort of made it a point to kill my passion and to rarely think of you. then i made it a point never to fall in love ever again. then i saw to it that nothing moved me the way you did. nothing drove me to tears like you did. noone lived in my heart, the way you did. no one even came close to breaking my heart the way you did. you did\

~ things aren workin out an i'm growin all the more indifferen to their not workin out

~ pro'ly i'm just trying to help masel..

4 am thoughts!





Twenty-three mutual friends in fb..
seventeen common connections on linkedin..
I must've known yu before
Come across ye by a random chance of fate
Should've heard people talk of yu
Had a hint that yu existed..
Or vice~versa..

we've lived in the same city
i've walked the earth you've walked
Sure must've brushed past each other
once atleast..

once some obscure friday evening
when i must've been busy shopping
or waiting for movie tickets

We must've met at cross roads
waited at traffic signals together
Must've drenched ourselves
in the same first rain
some forgettable day of earlyJune
some year

But it's a wonder
how life conspires to keep apart
two obvious soul~mates
and plays its secret games

builts a wall of glass in between
fills the air with fog, on both sides
and it takes a hell of time
for that fog to condense
and slide down as water, drop after drop

and it took long lonely years
for me
to see the faint contours of yur face
on the other side
to come to know of your existence
and assure myself of assured company

twenty~two years one month nineteen days four hours and seven minutes
to be precise!


the happiness woman..

trying to move on from one inconsequential incident to another, on the way, i ceased and noticed the woman that happiness is. her eyes are small, yet happy. the upper reaches of her cheeks bulge slightly, the lower ones form a hollow to contrast. the lips so fall in a valley. a pink curve of delicate flesh, her lips. tiny gold hangs from the left ear i can see. she has all her hair taken on the right shoulder. they are a little awry. the wind must've done that. but the hair are pitch black and she is white fair. there has settled a smile on her face. it is the reflection of the smile on her soul. there is a scarf of all red wrapped around her neck. the scarf floats in the mild wind. the smile is so fixed on her face that there is not a sign of fluidity. and her eyes are black..

happiness woman has black eyes

And

Desire has green eyes..

but What color are mine?

I & II


I

as i try to forget you right now i find it very heart wrending. but that's imperative. i can't afford to have you in my mind beyond a certain time. love is a power game. of the worst sorts. besides love i give you the power to hurt me. by loving you i give you this supremacy over me. it' liek you rule my moods. you totally hold the strings of my life. i have confirmed it many times over that i would want you a hundred times over all the other wants in life. i bear the consequences of every inconsequential thing you do. i am like china in your hands. for you i dream of the pros and cons of if-only's
II

all this time i have tried to hate you because i am done convincing me that you are not the one, because you can't just be the one. i never fell for you. i never will. it's an impossibility. but there is a glitch. no it's not even that. just a dormant fear within me. that at the end of time, it could be you, if not anyone else. then i would have to keep all ego aside and take you in. it's this constant fear of this contingent future that keeps me on my toes, always trying to hate you. it's the fear of the compromise that i might have to make. it's the fear of you entering my life, and taking control with me becoming just a passive element. yesterday while crossing a busy street, this thought crossed my mind. is it you? what if it is you? what if it has always been you? i am doing a worst case scenario analysis. for you i fret over the pros and cons of what-if's

after dark

the sun hadnot shown in entirety. but its rays still reached her. they filled the air with mellow light. in the serene yellow, the water of the pond was still black. there were silent ripples. a shrub of hibiscus tilted on the water, like a lover. ripe flowers of the color of blood, dropped into the water. one after the other. killing themselves. there sat a girl on the stairs. never as conscious as then. a moment later a pale sun showed itself. a peace descended on her mind. she got up. one could see the joints of her bones undoing themselves. she stepped into the water. tip-toed one step down. she looked at her feet under the black water. their outlines moved precariously with the waves that formed. then she looked up front. at the bank, opposite. one more step down, she paused for one moment. and looked back, at the world.

then she walked away. deeper into the water..


Hiatus~

she smiled a lot. and when she smiled she could feel her dimples form. she
could feel her strands of hair stray to her face. she purposefully left
them intact. until the wind played with them yet again. kept throwing
them on an off her face. her dimples formed and unformed. she kept trying
to find out if her left cheek dimpled. she wondered how she had two cheeks
but one dimple. just one..

he swayed from this side of the road to that. there must have been some
song playing in his mind. he had never planned for this night. stranded a little
before middle of the night. a mildly cold night. waving to every rare cab
that passed by. and looking back at her and smiling distinctly after one more
cabbie betrayed them..

i wonder if she could see his smile. it was dark. the only light being that of
billboards on top of buildings in and around. neither could he see her dimple
form and unform. but he was aware of the distinct one on the right cheek.
faint yet there. and he probably loved it.

this went on till one cabbie relented to take them home for the night.
on the way, she wanted the typical music playing..the late night long drive
instrumental one. music that suited the moods of a drunken city. besides hers
and his.

when they brushed past the winds, the silent streets snored. the music
inside the cab only danced, causing a sort of a furore.

the wait had been long. wait for a cold rain or probably snow. the signs began
to show as they travelled deeper into the night. the wait seemed to end now.

they wondered if it snowed ,would they have to stand the whole night under
a tin sheet, or something? waiting for it to get day.

as it got only colder, on the way, the only warming effect came from the
presence of each other. she laughed..often irresistibly. and every now and
then he kept looking at her.

and that's how they reached home that night. Period
Disclaimer: It so appears that some have a problem with my writing. Such people may kindly
Abstain.

..One muted Sound

But I never thought she would die so Soon
So soon
But she did

I never could never think writing about her
Exactly what her death is making me do
Now

In the last few days
She had been going blind
I din't know
I din't care to know, honestly
Why should I
Poke my nose into business
Thats' just not mine

She won't look at us
Coz' she cun't see us
With her blind eyes

I dont' do earings, I cant'
they so remind me of what she was
and what she was to me

Sleep eluded me so
those nights of her death
Benumbed with Shock
I couldnt' bear to forget
the distinct contours
of her face

The face
her slight squint
those hanging cheeks
the chin dimple
oil-dipped hair..
thin hair
weird hair
weird memories
memories that dont' want to be forgotten

that come back for randome seconds
and stay, daylong
sometimes nightlong

they don't leave me
she dont' leave me

those who depart
why at all they do..

Insane Again..

I write when I am possessed
Totally overwhelmed
I write because
I can’t help it
I write it out because
There is no other way out but words
I write out of a compulsive obsession
I write to get rid of
It

But now
There is kind of a
Gossamer of thoughts
Inside me
And the thing I realize is that
I am sad
Very sad
Irreversibly sad
And I can’t dissect my feelings to
Find out what fundamental feelings
They are made of

Life is pro’ly
Seasoning me
Fate is pro’ly
Getting ready to unveil
Colors like
Flashy red, distant violet
And shades of grey
Thick prominent thick
Shades of grey

Now it’s hard for me
I can’t let things
So foreign sink in
So easily into
This delicate my being

But
I know
Sooner or later
Grey and indifference will
Rule me
Me

One day
Sooner the better
This gossamer of thoughts
Will give up and
Disintegrate
Into all that it’s made of
To show me
Bare skin

And that day
I will find some way
To be
Happy again.

PS:OnewudncaretoreadthiswholeorhalfbutIcudncareanyless

Shoot the Moon

last night when i evaluated the magnitude of dearth in my life, i decided to take a walk, though it was long past midnight. i was walking alone and alone and then i was also looking at the moon which was showing itself more distinctly than usual. i was actually staring at the moon and walking, rather than looking in front. and it was jaw droppingly cold. rib-shakingly cold. i hid my hands in the pockets of my coat and kept walking, on and on till i could walk no more. no, it was not me who got tired. but the road finished. i stood almost at the end of my world, staring out into the world that wasn't mine. my patience ended, then and there. i could stare no more. all stings that had tied me till yet loosened. i evaluated the magnitude of dearth in my life, even more.

a need is a state of perennial deprivation. and there is no assurance that it can be pacified by means human. it is just there because it's there. the causes of mine are unknown. so pacification is an impossibility, almost. and this is what makes the hole a lot more bigger, and the dearth, more life stakingly, patheticalling and cruelly, looms larger than life.


when you don't know what is it that your hands are looking out for and you are in the dark, then your hands try to feel every damn thing that they come across. and then you ask yourself if this is the thing you were actually looking for. since you don't know what you were looking for it takes a long torturous journey to convince yourself that that is the not the thing you were looking for. this i swear i hard, it is hard to death, coaxing yourself to believe, yes it is.

and this is what i was doing last night, standing at the end of my world, staring at the moon till i could no more and letting the cold enter my skin, my bones, my soul. i wanted to know if cold could numb, of not heal. and was stretching my hands out in the open like waiting for an embrace. till i could, no more. any more.

so i turned back, holding myself close, really close and slept for the night, last night 

and today morning i thought of this

..i love you in reds and in blues
your cheekbones that standout when you so smile
the way you walk
like you are swaying
or flying
the sound of your laughter
and the depth of your voice..
it hurts to even think of you
to let you enter my sphere of perception
you are like a curse
but i cant help myself..

i just love you in reds and in blues

1:23 AM

Sometime ago I found the guy who justifies this poem about the fictitious biker~lover. I relished those moments of knowing him and telling myself that the weirdest of words can by a feeble chance of fate become true. I have a world of work to do. I have but not idea why I am writing this instead. So I just am, giving it a go. Chewing happydent keeps me happy. Like there were a certain tonic for happyness. I'm looking around like an insane woman forit. I have realized some truths about myself. And I want a live in harmony with these. May the force be with me. I am trying to use less 'I's in this post to prove that I am trying to be less obsessed with myself and convince myself that I am beginning to recognize there exists a world outside my mind. But I can't help it. This blog (of mine) is all about sad love, supposedly. So let me define it: Love is when Familiarity breeds love and strictly not contempt as she usually does. I seriously hope you got my previous statement. Now nod. Personally things that are vague enamour me out & out. Professionally such things make way for disgust. Now that's split personality. Wonder how I live with one contradiction inside me and surrounded by another. I live in a hilly city and it never stops raining. So I have learnt the art of sharing my umbrella with strangers, complete ones and incomplete ones. I am tired of jargon. I hate jargon. Indifference has been the most bejewelled of attitudes. It still is. Fascinations: tango, venice, dubai, smoke, red eyes, empty streets, roof~top restr@s. Roof~top restaurants because I found one tonite. It overlooks my hilly city, full of lights, where it always rains. It gave me that feel of Cloud~9. The biker~lover guy I talked about initially and this place are linked somehow. If they are not, as of yet, I would see to it that get linked anyhow, in the future. Or else we will have an Alternate Future.
Truth happens when they meet: the yin and the yang. I am glad, I didn't miss my moment of Truth.

You I & the Dream

Long ago you asked me what the dream of my life was/ is.

That induced some thinking, before I realized what it actually is.

There was a mountain I had climbed sometime. At the zenith, I looked at the other side of the mountain. It looked like a dream. I had seen nothing like that all my life.

And after that rendezvous, I could never get over it.

So I felt that the dream of my life was to spend a night on the crest of that mountain, star staring. Out in the cold. Out in the dark. Sitting all through the night. Staring at that Dream.

Later, I came back to you to tell you that this is what the dream of my life was/ is..

Then you asked/told, 'And you want to spend the night up there with me.'

I said, 'No .. Alone .. all Alone..'

...

PS :One thing I seem to have realized is that I am just too cynical to be worthy of Love.
Pic Courtesy: S

Dini-II

Off late besides postponing movies for a later part of my life, I have come to know a certain thing. I have an uncanny ability to see through people. In most cases I do. This happens if you are ditched badly twice or once. The inability to trust even the simplest of people becomes settles in pretty deep. You wonder if anything is but a facade. But on another note, who in here is simple? I mean does the word even exist?

Everyone is complicated. Yes..please, no arguments they are. I being the epitome of all complications is yet another story. But you can't deny my judgement here. It's as sound as sound could be.

Tall people, short people, the ones with spikey hair, the ones with curls..chubby ones skinny ones..elated ones happy ones sad ones depressed ones devastated ones..all look complicated to one eye and on the other hand contrastingly mundane to the other eye.

Oyah. Everyone is mundane. No arguments, they are. That is precisely why I cannot stand anyone anymore. Anyone forthatmatter.

Everyone is 1. self-obsessed!

Oh Dear God if you exist, why, why on earth and in the rest of the universe did you have to make everyone so so bloody self obsessed? Argh! Arghh! Why?

People love other people just because they are loved back. Could hypocrisy sink to do more ignominous lows than this? I don't know. With the kind of people around, you never know who could stoop to what lows.

You have to stand and stare and bear or pretend to do so. And I honestly can't do so anymore. I cant stand these people any more. Someone take me away! Someone (who is not self obsessed) puhlease take me away..Let's take to wings, let's do something out of the world. Let's do anything but the mundane.

I want to see a better world. A slightly more rational one, that I can justify to myself. I don't want to end up hating everyone I know, because familiarity somehow always breeds contempt.

But somehow life has unconsciously become one journey. A journey to find the Intense. This is one sole category I adore, worship, am enslaved to. But I am afraid I do so because
I am yet to dissect them in my mind. Once they are in pieces, again all that shows is how mundane they had been, how misled I was. Hence the sad story.

I am not a pessimist. I have the power of reason.



Mich & Amit..

'Cabbie take me home'
'It's icy cold out here, and I would rather be left out tonite'
'But cabbie take me home'
'In life, I am doing a lot of running, but not getting anywhere'
'So cabbie, take me home..'

Says Mich

'Calm girl'
'Take a deep breath'
'I'm almost holding your hand'
'In you I see a Goddess'
'All roads lead to you'
'Don't go home tonite'

Says Amit

'But I love me more than than/..anythin els'
'This is killing me bit by bit'
'They want me to change'
'I am going mad, so'
'Amit, I'm so going mad'

Says Mich

'Girl, my Mich'
'Hold yourself and listen'
'This wind blows your hair'
'And sultry is the way you look'
'even when it's icy cold out here'

Says AmitItalic

'But Amit'
'I aint beautiful'
'That is what I am all about'
'I aint beautiful'
'That is what I am all about'

Says Mich

'Says who? Mich?'
'You're my Goddess'
'My Karma..all I have'
'Beautiful or not'
'You are all that you are'
'You are me.. Mich'

Says Amit

'But I am so confused Amit'
'I don't know what is it I want'
'What is it that makes me so sad'
'Honestly I don't'
'I have been lookin for help'

Says Mich

'..Mich'
'You're sweet music'
'You ae the romance between words..'
'Mich'
'You're the way the wind sways'
'The dry leaves twirl..'

'You ae a beautiful mind, Mich'

Says Amit

'But Amit..'

...


Love Child

the part of you that is within me
keeps me awake tonight
night after night..
he reminds me of you..
of our furious love
the passion that lived between us
our love made of unsaid words and lowered gazes..
the passed time
the silent prayers
my fear of falling apart
the fear of fostering this fear..

when he sees the light of the day
all in the world i want is to see
you play him
chase him out of the bushes he hides in
roll him on the grass..
kiss him all over
smother him
the way we never did

bestow on him..
the remnant of our love

let me not regret anymore
of that half love

in him..let it live on
tonight, let our love
meet the horizon..

Wish

I wish I were home now. Me and mom would have just come back grocery shopping, holding lots of bags. Panting coz the stairs. I wish so hard, I can almost hear the lock of the main door clicking open, and I can see myself switching the light on and throwing the bags on the floor. Sinking into the couch and skipping the news channels on the TV to find some old hindi movie playing somewhere. I wish so hard I can breathe the smell of the rain in the air. The mild breeze that enters the living room from my bedroom. I can get flavors of spices from the kitchen. I can feel the cold with my barefeet,walking into my mom's bedroom..and I can hear the sound of shifting of the curtains. I can see the highway from the window. The chain of lights. The hurrying traffic. The waiting rain. Mom saying dad would be home any moment. And so much more. I am almost there..

I wish I could go out tonite. I have this particular black dress I wanted to wear. I wanted to see myself getting down the stairs in that. If that's not weird enough, I wanted to dine out. I wish to hear the clinking of glasses in an up-class restaurant. I wanted to lose myself in dim lights. Iwanted to be gifted a thing or two. I wanted to look down at the boisterous street from the glass of the particular up-class restaurant. I wanted to have some hot chocolate stuff. Later I wishedto be walked back home. My gait dancing in total abandon, on the sidewalk. Unafraid. Swaying to unheard music..and I wished to see all this happening, through your eyes..

These are just 2 of the 22 weird wishes I made..TOday!

Gamble.

You, right now look like a big gamble. Doesn mean that things are gonna get any better in the future. But.

You're so unbelievable. Unbelievably good or bad, we are yet to discover. Or we would never know. Who cares? Why care!

But your eyes. Red eyes. Are much like mine. Unfortunately those are the first things that caught my attention. No, the attraction part is not unfortunate. But that the eyes in a man would register in a woman's mind is pretty much unusual, no? Because mostly it could be the anything but the eyes.

Anyway.

There is this facade you put up. You know, you tell me that your life is a real bad deal for you. In fact your frustrations make you an even more attractive prospect, because they superfluously eclipse mine and make me think less about me and more for you. But all this doesn't show on your face, so both of us agree that what's un your face is a facade. But what if it's not? What if you are lying to me? What if your life is well sorted out inside yur mind and you are just plain lying to me? I am suspicious I agree. But you could be a liar, you know? That is precisely why You are a big gamble, at least for now. While I am writing this, you are.

Right now, like I am treating everything else in my life, I am analysing you. Making lists, and scratching things out. Making charts, for which way we could go. And then again, putting down my pen and looking away from all analyses and staring at something I still aven't realised what; and wondering about what is now.

Now is what is passing between us. It is the sum of my withdrawals, your silences and a hoard of other things, I care not to list down. Whatever is, may be it is somewhat, sometimes, worth it. At least for now. While I am writing this, it is.

None of this is true. I am simply hallucinating. Or may be I am not. I am not. I am just a trifle more crazy, tonite.

All of a sudden I am remembering things. Long highways on lonely summer nights. Scanty lights beside the roads as my cab zooms away. And I lose touch with them. And I lose touch with everyting. I open my hands and let time go. I remember departure, estrangement. The irreversibility of life, haunts me. Even if that was sad, it wants to come back.

I try to draw more lines now. I try to match the past with now. The now that breathes between us, like it were alive. Remember, I told you? But then there is no sync. It's so abrupt, that I fail to gather. And so I want to ask you. Are you true?

Does life need to continue from where it left? Can't it start again, from the beginning? Despite the abruptness. Can't wE take this leap? Together?

Or we shouldn't. I shouldn't. That way I would give life a chance to slap me left and right, all over again. And then life would mock and laugh and I would swear never to believe in things as fragile as this ever again. And to never Gamble ever again.

PS: Forgive this post, if yu can..I'm sleepless..head-ached..n' lovelorn..

PS: A few hours later. The verdict is out. I am not Gambling. No way.

Alibi

I don't have an idea. I seriously can't keep track of things. And I am pretty sure I can't do anything about my pre-occupation. I am like always thinking of somethingelse, talking to some non-existent entity, in a distant universe.

How long can I survive this world while I live in another? Till sometime back I had managed to pull myself through with the excuse of being different. But that doesn't look possible naymore. My tricks are failing me. My alibi doesn't shield me naymore. And I wonder..

My life has been moderately okayish. Except a couple of them, I haven't kept many qualms. I have grown up like a person inside a person, pretty much in isolation.

There aren't any externalities in my life. I have created a shell around, and I am very cosy inside it. Almost always asleep. So when in *this* world people call my name, I am always shaken out of sleep. Can I afford this? I wonder..

I have had this hopelesslyromantic love affair with the written word. I am madly passionate about sorrow. Solitude turns me on. I am at peace with a slower pace. I have always*always had it mY own way. And now change looks like the last thing in the universe (yours and mine) that we can bring about. I don't have the slightest idea about how to revert to mundanity..

So nor will I..

One Friday evening..


He sat with his legs stretched towards me under the table. Earlier I wondered if that he did to confirm his authority on me. But later that ceased to matter anymore. Authority confirmed or not, he invariably takes me wherever I go.

He looked pre-occupied. Wasn't with me. I didn't meddle with that. That's a part of getting used to eachother. And that is a hassle free process when the reason of you two beingtogether is that both of you are pre-occupied, indifferent and insolently so; yet infinitely passionate, weirdly in love with yourself and madly in love with each other..

He was making calls, breathing heavy, looking around. Stretching his hands and looking at corners of the roof. It was impossible to catch his eyes.

We were supposed to be working. We decided, Friday evenings they would be. Week days were killing me. We hardly ever could meet. So we decided Friday evenings they would be. A lot of stuff had piled up. I was tired, sleep-deprived and silent. He was red-eyed and distant.

I wanted to go for a walk later, may be, if time and situations permitted. And if he got out of his shell for the night. Staring at the laptop screen, my eyes began toache. Numbers and letters merged into each other. And diverged when they felt like. He was looking away and thinking, working away. Do I distract him? Or anything.

I crushed his pillow in myarms, pulled my hair apart.

'Ideas never come to me this way. I am deaD'

He didn't move.

'Are you even listening to me?' I cried.

He looked atme then. A smile gushed on his face. His eyes were so much like mine.

'I'l get you coffee'

He got out of the room, exactly what I wanted. Alone now, i leaned on his heap of clothes on the bed, and don't know slept for how long. Fifteen minutes..Twenty?

I woke up to a heat shock. He was brushing the coffee cupagainst my cheek. Waking me up from sleep, is something like murder, if not more. I screamed. Spilt the coffee on me, on him, on the whole of his bed.

What followed were his obvious peals of laughter, a tiny tussle of muscles, between lovers. And incessant rain outside. One Friday evening.

paraphernalia..for love.

i will let the folds on my white bedsheet stay. i will leave them the way they are, until they become creases. i won't empty the ash tray ever. the imprints of your lips from your last sip, is a thing i would never part from. i will cage your smells in this room, for the years to come. your voice, your hmmm's and ohh's, forever...
your touch, our dreams, the castles we built, i swear, i will keep them safe. until the day, you come back to me. to continue my life from where you had abruptly paused it. to pick me up again from whereyou had abandoned me. to love me again. to make my story come true.
Art began, when you love left me

PS: a rainy saturday afternoon. hot coffee after a hot shower. the hot shower redeems the mind. the steam settles on the window pane. your name written on it, with my fingers. the coffee jerks me awake, yet again. the aftertaste of sugar persists. with every sip, remnants of you keep finding their way back to me. and it starts raining harder...isn't this romantic?!

Bias.

One Sunday evening he and I were talking. I was walking down to the ATM to get some cash for the next week. I thought I would talk through. We drifted to relationships. The lack of them. Marriage. And then an ultimate oneliner from him,"Some people even look for a beautiful girl to marry". I laughed then. In those wisps that escaped my mouth, were my sighs. I am thinking about it now.

How often do you care to notice someone who almost merges with the background? Someone who is forced to do so or someone who does it by choice. A someone who doesn't have that attractive a face, that catchy a smile or that visible an attitude. Someone who lives by himself. You won't right? Never ever?

Honestly I wouldn't either. My eyes aren't deft enough to suck the beauty out of things as real as life. We always love things that look beautiful. Unconsciously we lose out on loving the things that are beautiful. And that my dear, is not that good a deal.

You wont ever care to speak to a girl who is not a hot shot. Would you? If her hair isn't jet black or dark shades of coffee; if she lacks vital vital statistics; if she isn't fair, you would ne'er, would you? You won't ever notice someone who is not consciously trying to get noticed. If you won't then you have no work here. Fuckoffyoubloodysonovabitch!


PS: Nevamind my last phrase. I had to use it. I am relieved now. Sigh!
One four letter word I despise is Bias.

sleep is a prostitute

sleep is a prostitute. right now i am unhappy, disgruntled, frustrated. so she wont come to me. i try to drug myself to sleep. i work, pushing limits. i try to think of things less tragic. but she wont come to me tonight.
right now, i am sinking. i am very sad. i am trying. still i am failing. i am losing sleep over it. i am losing. i am failing. i am too shocked to realize the shock. i can't afford a smile. i walked myself to a lonely corner where noone was looking and tried to cry, tried to get the lump that was choking my chest off it. but i cudn't help it. i cudn't help anything. i cudn't help myself. i am too shocked. i can't take this. because i can't believe this. because i don't take this.
the worst happens when you don't get what life is trying to convey. and right now i am so puzzled to perceive what life is trying to convey through all that happened today. i wont ever be able to forget today. i hate today.
and i am still not getting sleep. and i can't cry either. i don't have anyone to share this with. tell me, could it get worse? tell me could it get beyond this?

lastdays


this is about how i wanted to spend my last days and how exactly i did so:

1. i loved walking. i walked evenings, nights. to all the places i ever wanted to. at hours odd and even. beside trees tall and old. beside trees that had leaves sensuous dark green and sometimes stunted boughs on which sprouted coppery baby leaves. i walked under starry skies, and took pictures of my shadow. i stood under street lights and wondered. and all the while i had the most wonderful companion ever. someone who disaapeared into thin air when i wanted to be alone, emerging only when i felt the need.

2. i loved chicken all the more then. wanted to eat out every other night. and my chicken-aholism reached its heights. i have had my drums-of-heaven and am done with it!

3. i wanted to find an alter-ego. i found an alter-ego.

4. i wanted to sleep with music on all night. one song playing all night.
precisely what i did.

5. i wanted not to care for a thing in the world. sigh! made sure that happened in the best way possible.

6. i wanted to rain-walk. i drenched myself in the first rain one entire afternoon. i laughed like hell in the rain. forthe first time rain wasnt an excuse for tears. people looked at me like i were mad. but point no. 5!

7. wanted to be a-lone. courtesy the world, i always had the liberty to be so.

8. shopping-ah-shopping! frocks, capris, tops & trinkets.

9.wanted to get high once, twice... a dozen times, and that happened many times over due to various reasons of course

10.wanted to talk all night. yeah! and have memories of it..for the rest of my life/. i am having memories of it still and i am storing them in locked chambers for the better.

11. i wanted to quit studying. and proly that showed in my final results.

12. wanted to see the sun rise, being up all night. for once in life, that
too happened..!

Point to take to heart: One way of being happy is doing exactly what you want to do. Hence proved.

PS: /DNM @ C-110-KMS-NITR-I am gonna miss you forver/

Cudn care les..

1. I just talked to my mum(after some hours),kid bro(after a day), and dad(after two days)- in a row. We're apart. And I wanna keep making sure that we're not falling apart. The hint of it makes me sick!

2. I have basically remained the same person, standing all the changes that threatened to outlive me.

3. I am still sticking to coffee.

4. Though I like the stink of nicotine better/.

5. I have become *very* *very* specific about the people I want to stay in touch with. Consider yourself (un/)lucky enough if you're still alive on my (hit)list.

6. Indifference is having the better of me these days. I cannot care to form an opinion about any thing or person whatsoever. Or may be I need time. Or may be I am plain as confused as I am.

7. I have seen real bad days in life. But still belive, that I will marry for love.

8. I apparently, am always gainingweight! And I apparently have always had a bad-hair-day;a-bad-hair-month; a bad-hair-year and soforth.

9. I wake up @ 8 and doze off more than a dozen times in the first lecture @9. That reminds me, in life, I am still studying. I am told that I am yet to see the reaL~baD world..I wonder, what else am I yetto see?

10. Well that also reminds me I am turning tweny~too in about a month from today. 2 plus 2 ..tweny~too!

11. And I am still sticking to my blog. Through these years I somehow got addicted to this anonymity~
12. And I want to tell you that...
The walk goes on...with yu..without YOU..
..Something I can't help is obvious continuity


~once

i am not asking you to

stay forever

all i want of you is that

we hold this moment in our hands

this moment

that we are together

alone~together


there is a distant circle of sinking orange

clouds have clothed the mountain

and soft strings from a guitar

fill our ears

we are more alive, than ever

and we want to dance


now, my feelings need not be held back

they can come down like lashes of rain

anytime, anywhere...

so wild so free


so i ask of you, to stay, now

let me live, let me cry, this once

This once...


i know, in love once is enough

like light for a blind eye

like wine for a parched loner

like you for me..












...I am so hungry, I can keep writing this poem forever, but it won't make any sense beyond this...I have said enough...I have had enough...It's time to call it off...~once 'n for all...




Passions


Hide and Seek Milano: Crispy biscuits with lumps of chocolate inside. Well they are big enough,
but somehow I can never manage to eat just one.

Silence: The way we lapsed into one
of our silences when we talked. I simply get addicted to that. we connect the most when we are actually not talking. i love those moments of
awkward silence and the way they become a comfort with time, a reassurance, the thing i need the most of all the other things.

Shakira: Watching this petite woman dance and her voice filling my ears and my mind. she creates passion in me.

Purples and violets: i can never differentiate one from the other. i never know when one becomes the other. and i love them with the color of zinc/g.

My words Un~spaced: i hate the space bar. i love to write phrases, stanzas with all my words together. no spaces for me.

I love forgetting: my window has a view of mountains. but then clouds cover them on and oft. and when they do so, i forget the mountains existed. by the evening the moutains
are back, shining orange in sunset, and I am surprised. And I forget other things/people/facts/events also.I forget how some special people and I spent evenings stretching into nights, talking and talking. We part and I forget them, those talks, the nothings shared, I feel like a machine. It is when I am reminded of them by someone, I begin feeling
nostalgic, pathetic.

The written word: I love reading people who feellike me, writelike me. I feel delighted, ecstatic, hysterical: sad, distraught, suicidal, all at the same time. Here, I totally advocate
total hypocrisy

People Watching: I keep watching them. People accuse me. I can't careany less. I wish I could, do that better: the caring any less part i.e.

Pain: I am passionate about the volumes of sorrow I hold. I like
being insance. I like being outof control

Sea shells, solitude and the sea: are among my other passions..
I feel troubled, when I feel that it can get to this, like in the picture here..
.
.
.
& I dedicate this post to someone'

Unhinged

i miss you a lot. do you miss me. do you remember me at all. do you
think of me sometimes. do you spare me a moment. i have my days
lined up for you. there is this picture of ours right afore my eyes. i
look at it, both of us happy and smiling sweetly. there is this glow in
my eyes, the blush on my cheeks which is otherwise unseen. there is
this innocence on your face which i dare not think to be fake. the
glint in your eyes, your smile, you, hold the strings of my life
together.

days have gone by and we have parted, we haven't heard of each
other ever since. seems we have been living lives of our own. we
have been occupied. really occupied. but after the day got over, i sat
down to take a deep breath, your thoughts crossed my mind. it's like
you are the thing i thought of involuntarily after a real long time. i
had forgotten to feel. i had forgotten to feel what it is like to
feel. but then you reminded me of it all and took me back in time all over
again.

back to times of being together.it's true we didn't have the patience
and the humility to make reality what still continues to live as a
dream in a corner of our hearts. we couldn't say. we couldn't look
into each other. we couldn't look into ourselves. and merciless that
time is, it went by.

our lives brought us to new junctures, left us alone. but then i don't
live with regrets. this moment, thinking of you, i swear i feel
Unhinged. i have accepted you, i have accepted our missed stint, our
bygone moments as a part of me that will live on, passively and will
come back to life on nights as solitary and as cold as tonite.
and i have learnt that some things are not meant to BE...

The idea of Romance is
this...

Pic Courtesy: Internet
On that day there was hardly any movement though. It had been
drizzling all through. On the other side of the glass window drops of
water were plopping from the roof above.

There was a lake somewhere. there weren't many people. There was
a resturant like a hexagon nearby. I don't think i would be able to
describe what was it like inside. but, it was a small place. The walls
were made of glass. There was one huge table in the centre where
many people could sit facing each other and chat. and there was this
table that lined the six walls. there were chairs decked up on which
people could sit facing the lake and see.

They chose to sit facing the lake instead of facing each other.
Because this way the eyes seldom lock. That would mean less
questions being asked, less of tides rising within, more of silence.

Through the glass, the smells of the lake couldn't reach us. The
sounds were muted. But they could see those smells and sounds.
And that is what they did for sometime.

She turned behind to see a kid ripping apart a sandwich when she
called the waiter. He did too. The kid looked cute and when he
looked at them, they smiled. That was the first thing they shared
that day,the laugh. Later of course there would be more such things,
she sighed. Memories of moments gone by; stretches of time in the
past that passed between them in the world's oblivion, were sure
to come back.

The passage of time slowed down a little. It became more obvious.

When he lifted the cup to his mouth and the vapours from the coffee
settled on his glasses turning him blind, he looked like a cartoon that
moment, just like the old days. They smiled again. between the
smiles, the times were turbulent. The reason of their coming
together after so long stood between them? After this long a gap, the
void had been so well embedded in her that it felt like an inborn part.
A phoenix isn't for real, is it? Nothing comes back to life.

??? ?? ?? ???? III

I won't call this one Men in my Life III because the title sounds totally ridiculous. I was planning to alter the previous posts also but then whatever comes out here is unedited stuff mostly, so we let them be.

Tonite, I will tell you another story.

I met a guy some three years ago at some kind of a gathering back home. And I am going to write a pretty dispassionate account of it. There were a 'couple' of common friends. And there came a moment when all the couples got busy amongst themselves leaving the lesser mortals with nothing much to do. That's when exactly I and the guy got talking. That's when I 'had' to shed that put-on curtain of inaccesibility.

Honestly I found the place quite wild to my standards.. jam packed room, dance floor, rough music. It was pathetic to be sitting and just sitting. So casual hi's got us talking. The discomfort was probably very evident on my face. I couldn't say much to begin with.

And after five minutes I realized that I was purely listening. Yeah, I wasn't being asked anything. The guy went on and on. And somehow I chose that over talking because sometimes, you know I blurt out stuff to strangers or semi-strangers and regret heavily later. Spontaneity is one big devil sitting inside my head.

It felt better that I wasn't sitting totally alone and was being talked to, atleast. The discomfort began to diminish. He then felt like a long lost friend. He started talking about his life. I asked him about girls. Yeah, that I do to spice up conversations. People get very engrossed when you touch those love cords. Later he started talking about one female in particular. The latest one, probably.

Sometimes I had to try hard to pay attention. Sometimes I felt irked. Smoke seriously turns me off. I almost snatched the cigarette butt from his mouth and crushed it in the ash tray. That struck him hard, probably left an impression too.

After a day he called me. Wanting to meet me was an excuse. His story had not been wound up that evening, I remembered. He wanted to be listened to. He wanted the stuff out of his mind. It could be me, it could be the walls, green trees...

In the cafe', I sat still. Smiled at exactly unequal intervals of time, so that he wouldn't know they were totally voluntary. I heard him in and out. Formed the female-in-particular's face in my mind. Really don't know what made her appear slightly chubby with curled locks. But anyway, I also came to know about her ex-boyfriend, present boyfriend, future-boyfriend..! All in details, besides other things.

After it all, I realized I had this flair for listening. Listening to distressed souls. Could be because I am tremendously patient. Could be because I seriously don't give a damn!

Whatever the reasons be...when guys my age have confessed to me that they see the 'understandingmother' in me, hardly anything is left to be said ;) Chapter stands closeD.





On yet another note

All my crushes look the same. Feel the same.
Man, they are all the same.
Brash, overconfident, arrogant blokes.
And I am worried. Ain't I evolving?
I, a while ago, was playing with the light and the dark.
I should have been Narcissus's first daughter..
An evening like today's may never happen again. There are dark lines of black against a sad grey sky. And there are quietened noises. I chose to write today, now.

I am not a social. I can't be one. So sitting in a quiet corner I observe. I have no qualms.

I saw a girl. She looked partly insane. It was in the lounge of the parlour, we were waiting for our turns. At times I was glad I had to wait. She was fair, you know. And plump. Plump must be an euphemism for fat. She was lost inside her violet salwar kameez. Yes, it was too big for her. She had clutched her hair at the back. Anyway, she hardly had any hair. She wore huge earrings. They were made of glass and were purple too. She wore glasses. Not thick, not thin, just glasses. Under those glasses were her eyes, of course. Her eyes had a squint. The parlour people made her wait for a long time. That, my dear, was unfair, because she could have been called in much earlier. But all the time she sat there, the squint made me feel that she had been looking at one point. Far away, may be. This together with a few other things, made her look insane to me. Insane, as in out of the herd. Later when she was called inside and the parlour girl loosened her hair, it finished a lot above her waist. Each strand had a different length. Pathetically uneven, I could make out. The parlour girl asked her if she had tried cutting her hair by herself, you know, going all crazy. For a moment I imagined her doing that. Sitting infront of the mirror, gayly chatting away with herself, her hair on her shoulders, and she cutting it all out with scissors in her hands. Her sciccors moving as fast as the words falling out of her mouth. But now the partly insane girl couldn't hear her, at all. The parlour girl repeated. The insane girl gave her a very puzzled, harmless look, with the squint intact. She looked and half-smiled. The scene froze there.

Then somedays later, I saw a guy. He wasn't tall. Not short either. Thin, yes may be. He had a very deep set voice, you know. When he spoke, I felt like he was speaking out of his stomach. The voice was grave, I wondered what vibrations it caused at his throat when it passed through it, from his stomach, out to us. His hair was nice. It looked like a mushroom. If a mushroom is ugly, okay then, his hair looked like a nice mushroom. He wore glasses too. They were square cut for him. His eyes under his glasses always had a hint of joy. His lips were always moulded into a smile. You know, that was the set expression on his face. He smiled and laughed like those were the only things he knew. When he did so, his mushroom hair shook a little,bounced a little. His happiness made me believe that nothing in the world could make him feel otherwise. And that made him look very powerful.And for that I envied him. Chapter closed. Hahaha.

Ithinkyoushouldforgivemeformycrazywritingbutthenithinktheblogshouldreflecttherealperson I AM.