every night, intoxicated by the relentless winds 
that the evening brings with itself,
when i stare out of my window
i see the moon, my moon
and write a letter to it
you say i am the mistress of words
but i am, 
a woman passionately in love

the glint in my eyes, ooze with enticement
don't they? 
the curve of the lip, hint of lust
you say i am narcissus's survivor
but i am
only a woman passionately in love

my thoughts, are luscious
virile like waves that dash with rocks
but coy as the ones that recede,
i melt in my lover's arms
you say i am a pure lunatic
but i let madness be undiluted,
i am a woman entwined in love..

eve was tricked into a temptation
i lived on as eve's dying wish..
a remnant of that yearning need..
you say i am a wildflower,
but i am 
only a woman madly in love

knot for me!

Every small step feels like a giant leap. And honestly, I want it to feel like one. We should be careful when our hearts are busy trying to bond irrespective of everything else. You have a past I suppose, and I have many pasts. Forgetting takes time. And we need that time. Let's not be that fast that it takes my breath away. Everything is at stake, you know. Though its hard, but we can give a shot at being as sane as possible. My experiences have made me into a cynic, big time. And though I understand, how you want me to respond, it's difficult for me to shed that defensive garb that I have shrouded myself in for all these years  of seasoned solitude. And I think the same applies to you too. Come on! I don't even know you enough to comment on that. It will look ridiculous if we get serious about something that would look so silly later.

Recently, one couple I loved and respected for long, chose to split. For one minute I gaped in surprise. Then I gained my poise and wondered if that wasn't exactly obvious, something that should happen, only oftener. Marriage being the epitome of all compromises, every time a marriage works out shouldn't I gape in surprise rather than when it breaks? 


my escape feels good. for these times, i have been hiding myself from the world, i have felt safe. blame it on my lack of courage, or the fact that i give up very soon on somethings. but living alone, in a dark cold forgotten corner makes me peaceful. i was probably tired of answering questions. and looking for the answers i found this place. my refuge. where i rest shrouded in absolute silence. needs that were so earlier, have vanished now. i don't even want to speak a word, lest it destroy my silence, the one i so love. i have understood, yeah. and i wish to breathe with this understanding. sitting here, clutching my knees close to my heart, crying hot tears sometimes, consoling myself at others, i have learnt to accept destiny. my destiny. and i have not the slightest inclination to share this with any second soul.

So invisible  is the way i shall be..for now & forever!

found & lost

We sat under an unreal sky, smells of the night engulfing us. Noises that the sea made in the creek kept us awake. I had never seen the waves hit rock, and vanish into foam. And this brought back dead dreams in my eyes. It was so beautiful. A five minute walk kept a lighthouse from us. We had been fighting over the name of his new firm, which might come into existence after he quit sometime in the future. We ran through all the complicated Sanskrit words, then French. We had come back to English for sometime. I felt like falling asleep on his shoulder, but for the noises the sea made. We leant on the cold wall of rock behind us, half way into a dreamy non-existence. Time forgot to move, probably. Or if it had moved at all, it had forgotten to take us along. Felt like 5:40, eversince. 

Let's keep no record, he said. 

It should rain, shouldn't it? It's June anyway..and the monsoons lost their way, over the sea. I wanted it to rain, so much. Dry leaves came floating, like messengers of the world that existed, somewhere away. We were fighting anyway about the name of our future, weren't we? everything had itself buffered from us.. 

After longish fights with fate, we had found each other. Hands were to be held, for now. Our journeys to each other might have been long and tortuous, but the sighs at the end, have answered my questions, all of them. 

We still couldn't figure out that name, mishchievously fighting over how we would never actually coincide. Then we would diverge again into the selves we were before we met. And safely seal the now that we were spending on a dusky afternoon awaiting the monsoon near the sea, into a memory, or better treat it as a dream that could have continued, but we had rather it didn't. 

PS: I had been waiting for a over a year to write this, but when someone told me why cant you stop thinking so much and be your age, i couldn't help it any longer!

Cloud 9

how much of it does matter? it doesn't right? people and stupid parties..dim lights and stupid games. only thing expected of her is tolerance. every other such night she went out in, she honed her skill of patience..and sat still and sat like that till she froze. in that lost corner of the hall, she was pushed awake by her own name called out aloud. couples announced for a silly game of paper dance. what! yeah. a silly game of paper dance. why did such games even exist? though she ne'er found any connection, physical or metaphysical, between her and the guy, people found them fun. they always had, and so they screamed, all of them, they hooted into an uproar in which she was blinded. when awake in entirety, he spared a glance. sarcastic, suppressible laughter erupted inside her. on the floor she made it clear, she didn't know dancing and stuff and so did he. could it get any more ridiculous? dancing of all things alive and dead? uh! but she would give it a shot, like she always had. they stepped onto an innocent sheet of yellowed newspaper and stood there while others danced. u needed to dance, its a dance thing eh, not a standing thing. okay okay, we are dancing, look! the sheet folded into half, had less space to stand on. so they danced now, holding onto each others fingertips. exchanging glances, laughing out for real now, she was absolutely erupting from within. but you need to hold emotions the most when rather you would have left them out in the open naked the most. the sheet folded into another half, only one person could afford standing, she stood on his feet and they swayed, serenaded, may be. who cares? silly game of paper dance. one moment she would have tipped off had he not held her back.then she got real nervous and avoided looking into his eye. just another moment more and he wouldn't be able to take it anymore and step off the innocent sheet of newspaper, now folded beyond recognition, and chucked out the game, they would be. but he didn't, to her shock. she placed her one hand on his shoulder and the other hand was too shy, hence floated in the air. he smiled. why? her laugh reduced to a smile and then to a nothing. what on earth was she doing? when the paper was folded for the one last time, only one feet could stand. he lifting her up was the answer, but as that question didn't even exist, that would be it then. but it wasn't it, not in a bit. he said he could, he would. what! what kind of nuts are ye, kid! she whispered her weight in his ears, dude! she wouldn't ever do that, understand. let go. let me go. but no, he would make her pay the price for standing on his feet for those delicious few minutes.

one moment, they were negotiating, which way should time go. in the next she was in the air, literally and otherwise..


Ek so sola chaand ki raatein,
Ek tumhare kandhe ka til..

I will not confess this to myself, but I have missed you. Your absence has taken the shape of a being and stands beside me all the time. I look at me, and I see you missing. I am  a candle, will go off any moment. Any moment now. I wanted to meet you again, tell you things, nothings. Stand beside you and laugh at all the funny stuff you said. Walk with you, on a windy evening on the sea shore, waves longing to touch our feet. And keep walking and walking till we fall off at the end of the world, our feet sinking into the sand, holding hands..hmm..yea..something like that

But in your absence, I quit believing in dreams. I have..

Now I see me going round in circles near a mountain, running my hands through the cold still wind,on an evening, and dancing. Abandoned. Wild and free..with a yearning for you that is dying with every moment. My wish for you will be gone in a day or two..It's just me near the dry and dead mountain I have always so much loved. So much..

I am a candle, will go off any moment now..

joinin dots..

No I ain't obsessed. I hate obsession. I appreciate taking unquestionable control of things in my life. And then hurt becomes a forgotten feeling. Emotions are dictated. Mostly they don't exist. Or are too afraid to be born. There was a time when I used to fight myself perennially. Now we are out of that storm, peace is sinking into me. I am happy. May be this is the way I define happiness. I love this feeling of being absolutely totally alone in this world. It's a nice feeling. This ambience of total control, where I my emotions are self~dictated, and I decide what I should feel, more importantly, what I should feel not. It's a great feeling. Of being by myself, all the time. Of great responsibility an unbounded freedom at the same time. Solitude has become company. I know who matters and who doesn't. Almost everyone falls in the second bracket. Distinct lines, I have drawn. Carved out, rather. I can't tell you, how powerful I feel. And now, I am quite looking forward to my this stint. 

i believe, that's why i am alive
the soul is but indomitable

my ability to hope 
surprises me now,

 i know this is not callousness
faith shall respond

all waits will end 
&joy will retrace its path

delicious blurr..

after the slog of the day i kinda passed out
i began walking on a narrow ledge tht bordered the hill
it was evening and there was a mild cold breeze
down south, summer has arrived
it is me that she evades
the breeze created a silent music
soporific 'n enlivenin at the same time

there were beautiful shrubs with flowers of colors
redd, violet and blue
a few whites too
besides others that got lost in the dark
i was happy for them, the flowers
they would live 'n die on their shrub
wouldn be bouque-d to an unknown somewhere
like me..

no emotion prevailed
just a lovely silence
the dusk on a lost day of early March..

before i moved to other things
that i wouldn write about,
for one moment
i lost myself
in that delicious blurr..


though i have never read him, but i am quite the antithesis of what Shakespeare was. i believe in names. names don't matter when i am with the person. they are a like a reluctant grain of sand in the eye once i am estranged. names haunt me, Shakespeare, if you're listening. they do.

the last time i wrote about koel, something must have had me. this is a furtherance of that something. i like calling certain people by their names, the tangy noises they make inside my mind, oh.

one name and i however have somehow never parted ways. it kept re-entering my life after
every interval of a year or two, stayed for sometime, before making an exit, sometimes silent, sometimes sad, sometimes ..

the first kid of that name was one back in school who told me he had a tiny crush on me. it was embarassing and frightening at the same time. we never talked after that, until one day i heard him playing the guitar and became a total fan. i love the guitar, bytheway..

the second person of the name was my proverbial soulmate. time ran out of us, when we talked. thinking like a sane mind now, it frightens me how two individuals connect on every plane possible. two people who could only agree..'yeah..i know..i have been there..i can't agree more..oh'

the third, didn't last much and is hence not worth mentioning..

the last one. the final one. feels like yesterday that i ran into him. on one of those confusing lanes of destiny that bring strangers together, gift them the most breathtaking times of their lives. and break them apart in a way that has the suddenness of a bloodless massacre, the shock of a climactic apocalypse, and the savagery a storm that is followed by a neverending lull.

so i believe in names. a lot..because some are just so stupidly ominous, i can't even tell ya..what it was..