Pomelo

'Been always a fan of summer-fruit
If there's any antidote for the sweltering,
It's fruit

Be it - raw ripe mangoes, not yet fully done
Falling before their time
To a sudden swollen pre-summer thunderstorm
Scattered across the backyard
Were cut into long slices and relished with crushed red chillies in salt

Or small ripe ones
Suckled upon, like a mother's bossom, then peeled 
Tasting nectar-like
Big enough to fit smugly in my child's first
Oh the raw sin, gnawing into piles of mangoes, for infinite afternoons

Be it jackfruit 
What is this - god's gift to mankind
Huge gargantuan fruit
Protected underneath thorny skin
Like all good things soft and fleshy 
And plenty to take us days to finish 
Those who had sought help from the family and couldn't repay
Always thanked us with jackfruit

Also a jackfruit is true at heart, unlike the mango 
Treacherous mango - which could turn out sour.
But a jackfruit is always sweet
Always predictable, can be taken for granted to play out exactly as expected, like me.

Be it watermelon.
Frozen watermelon after sultry summer lunches
Have you had those?
Impossible to describe the feeling
When a chunk of watermelon hits your palate
Utterly confusing, like is it water - is it melon?
And I could chomp chomp chomp, without a care in the world

And then there was
Pomelo
Shameless fruit of December though 
A magician's fruit - almost
Scary large oranges 
Not orange in the flesh, but pink nearly or scarlet 
The peel was so thick, you'd have to knife through 
And the wedges - too large for my child's first
They weren't sweet or sour 
And sometimes too watery to tell the difference 
But they grew at the end of our garden
The furthest point from home
On the absolute edge of our kingdom
After the marigold patches, and chilly rows
Pumpkin field, coconut orchard, 
Two ponds brimming with sweet fish 
And then - ah at the end of the world
The Pomelo tree
I was told stories about how the seed was procured and planted
All made-up am sure
But to my child's mind, it was a magician's tree
Because how else could oranges be that big?


ilk

those of my ilk
do not make it to the top
we are sediments 
settling on the ocean floor
layer by layer
fossilized and forgotten

there is nothing special 
or noteworthy about me or my kind
painfully average and below
our talent erased by struggles
identities dwindled by exhaustion
crushed by choices we ourselves made

we say we're understated
that's not true now, is it
we lost and bowed out long ago
just after the race began
and decided to meander through 
to test, how much longer we'd make it

thus, we are here, now
sugarcoating our under achievements 
with amorphous adjectives
trying to say we tried
ah, it wasn't enough
and we never did

I and my ilk
my ilk and i 

Maggi

Nostalgia hovers around my memories like a gentle giant. Causing effect only when I am otherwise unbothered. That way nostalgia has been kind. Not causing undue duress. It's also, at times, the only thing, that keeps me in touch with my old original person - aware of what is of any real value, and what is worth any sort of chase. 

In fleeting glimpses, nostalgia takes me to my past and I see again, everything in sepia hue. Honest about the hue. In an huge expanse of a campus, there was one near dilapidated girl's hostel. In the middle of the hostel, ther was a lawn. Where women and girls walked after their meals and pulled allnighters before semester exams. To one corner of that lawn, was a tiny cafe. Run by two tribal girls. They spoke chaste Hindi and made the driest maggi. 

It's strange, how the human mind works and saves faces. I have met hundreds of people and really I mix up faces to an embarrassing extent. But i remember the face of one of those girls. She had a dark thin face and small eyes. And spoke like she's carrying a grudge. But she made the driest of instant noodles. It was my first time away from home and I didn't know instant noodles could be cooked that way. I would eat parts of the paper plate that would be scraped off with the noodles. It costed some 10 bucks and was highly looked forward to because the food at the mess tasted so alien.

And then there were months I ate only dal. I was a chubby one. Have always been. But those intervening years between high school and graduation, the pressure to be thin was so intense that I mashed garlic and green chillies in my dal and drank it down. 

I did lose weight, yes. And made holes in my mind so deep, that only a few have been filled back up in decades that followed. 

Today, I move with gratitude. For all that, that transpired in those years have made me the person I am. While I may not be superior, I still am someone. Weak but real. Exhausted, but with gumption. Restless, but believing in time. Tattered, but still soft. 

Brink

I am counting on small things
On very simple things 
To bring myself back
From the brink

Am looking at flowers, fragrances
Leaves, sticks and straws
Clay, soft and mouldable 
Even paper
And autumn sunshine 

Because origami saves my soul
When nothing else can 
A walk amongst flowers
Makes me remember that - everything is nothing 
And vice versa

A song, a dusk,
Faded rainbows
Old scrapbooks
And forgotten poems 
Tell me that - I can just be
Quiet and still.

If there's anything that is of any value
At all
Is a head that sleeps alright
And a heart that knows true calm
Not that I've money and houses
But those are zilch too.

Release

I need some room
For a bit of debauchery
Some bit of debauchery 
Once in a while
Or a fortnight 
Would bade no harm
Not as much harm at the very least
As my everyday does

You see,
I am a person
Going about her day
Rushing, mumbling, crawling, 
In the pauses between my quiet wails
My breath is so shallow
You'd guess I am dead already

I strive every hour
To keep things neat
No outbursts
Hailing cabs, paying bills
Erasing my former authentic self
Or atleast stifling, deep inside

I feel don't stand to lose much
Because there wasn't much to begin with
I stand on routine, wake up, push it, sleep
Wake up, push it, sleep
Wake up push it sleep
And then awaken to nightmares
Not of ghouls and devils
But the frothy little nightmares of everyday
That make you reluctant to emerge

Thus, I allow myself no release 
Due to which, I perish when alive 
Despite all good intention
Despite counsel
Despite the resources for a decent lil life

I need some debauchery, some release
To observe and witness 
The reasons outside of this cocoon 
To just be, and
Be, unbothered 




Woman in 801

Woman in the next flat
The one in 801
I've never seen your face
Wonder how you're never out in the corridor 
Going about your business 
Neither am I, but yet.
You've got curly bushy big hair
And you almost always dress in man pants
You got your backpack and your helmet 
And your motorcycle. Yes 
You live-in with a man, sure do.
Both you get your dinners delivered.
Accidentally if we both open doors at the same time
You're almost like a body without a face, hah
And you have your animals
A brown cat that waits in the window 
And white little dog that barks a lot
Am sure you have interests and such
But your succulents die on the windowpane
And your pots are empty, unwatered
You forget, we all do, to water, of course
Which is fine. As long as you have a life. As you do.

Unlike me, the woman in 802, the checklist maker, doer of tasks, taker of calls (back to back), the juggler of balls, the hustle maniac, buried under bags, jumping from errand to errand, having eroded into a person with no semblance to her original self. 


Weight of the Day

Weight of the day, won't lift. My shoulders droop in exhaustion and embarassment. What am I doing that I am so weighed down? Nothing of substance. Only the mundane. So what's pushing me down so?

It's only 9 in the morning. My day is already the worst. Everything is falling apart and I am sobbing loudly in public transport. Yeah. So much for being pedestrian.

What cost am I being made to bear? Victim mentality much? 

Well atleast I am getting by. There are some who've given up already, long back. Well atleast I am shooting pointless email after email, crumbling to my fears, people pleasing incessantly, sorting my laundry, running errands, buying essentials, screaming at my mother, screaming at my child. But I am still here. 

However, I exist only superficially. I exist because people call me. And there is no deeper reason for my existence. I have eroded over the years into nothing. Depreciated into zilch. 

But that doesn't matter. Because all that, I take cognizance of. I am one hundred percent aware of these futilities having engulfed me and shat me out. 

So why am I stooping so low for the half dozen bags I carry? Why can't I be erect, why can't my chest fluf up. How dare I cry in public transport. I ought to be stronger because I am aware of these defaults and my perseverance to be this person, despite. 

But my day weighs me down. Relentlessly, every day, every night. Making me a comatose jaywalker in the day and an owl like insomniac all night. 

Everything for Nothing

Watch me, as I crumble, everyday
See me simmer and spiral
And spiral into my many abysses 
Everyday
Without pity
For I chose this 
Cherry picked this, very much
The spectator that you are 
My precious erstwhile lover 
Watch me, alone, as I seethe and tear up
As I exhaust and self destruct 
And realize that everything is for nothing


Shape

How deeply I felt my love for you, shaped me. You wouldn't imagine, how something as quaint and inconsequential as unrequited love, can leave an impact so deep that it runs life long. But it does. How I yearned for you, endlessly, it carved out the being I was then, am today. How I see the world and the people it contains. And how I imagine the world sees me. 

Decades have gone by, but it stands true. Whenever I forget who I innately am, and I desperately want to remember, and feel akin to my original self, I remember how much I have loved you. And then it all comes trickling back to me. Because those times when I was so pathetically infatuated with you and the idea of you, I spent a lot of time figuring myself out. And thinking why I felt that magnitude of an honest and naive yearning for you. I realised how near perfectly complete and at peace I felt, with you.  I never had that kind of patience with people after you. Thus, you're the key fossil in my past. I envy you for having left such an indelible impact on me. Almost in the same breath, I pity you for being unaware of the magnitude of your hold on me. 

Or may be not. Perhaps, you're aware very much. And you've been waiting for me to confess - all this time. Never too late, huh.