Underachievers' Anonymous-2

Life isn't perfect. Anything but that. Sometimes, all the imperfections, team up, look me in the eye, and ask. What have I done. Rebuke and ridicule. My minuscule existence. What have I done. I am certain years of age. And what have I accomplished in these certain years. Nothing much. Zilch.

I have gained on only one scale, I suppose, that of shamelessness. The shamelessness that makes me just about enough able to look at myself in the mirror. Day after day, everyday. All these years. And there's nothing else. All other scales I have lost on, I have been on this never ending nose-dive ever since. Ever since I can remember, since the beginning of memory, I have been a loser. No offence. I just have been.

The definition of an underachiever is like carved out for me. Like destiny has crafted me, to be some lab sample of an underachiever to be shown off. Such that others could know, find out about themselves too.

I am the last in line. The last one. The one too lazy to move on. Too tired to go get it. Incapable of practically everything. Fucking unbelievable, huh?

Except this unending wrath for myself and self destructive self hatred & disgust, what have I got. I'll tell you. Two useless degrees. Love handles. Scars on my face. Scars on my soul. Perfect understanding of all the sitcom characters that I adore. Wisdom of the wisdom-less books I have read. And forgotten. Bitten nails. A wardrobe of unloved dresses. An unloved heart. My share of sickness. A decent share, I swear. The work I do. The work that gets me nowhere. Hidden packs of cigarettes in the last shelves of drawers. Bitches, I am jealous of. And a few friends. Very few friends. And their undying & blemish-less love. And anger, my dormant anger. Plain undiluted unquenchable wrath. On life. Destiny, if that is. For giving me nothing I wanted. I also have my fears.

Sometimes I wish, if I despise life so much, then I must have nothing to lose. So let me, in the very least, be fearless. But no. Like icing on the freakin' cake, on top of all this, I am a coward.

And, now I am done.

Years ago, here. 


Tanvi said...

i wish life would have just let us go that easily..

Vagabond said...

sometimes, I wish this, that you have described is just something that we feel at this age, like teenagers go through 'a phase'. I hope this is such a phase. For I feel exactly the same.

We are better people or at least will grow into better ones.

The Sage said...

hey... you completely disappeared from twitter!!

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

We all are.

Lehari. said...

hey..today is one of those day when i just love to sit back n read all your posts..it gives me a feeling of companionship..
Read the posts from years ago..Underachievers..
with all these words of yours..you are an achiever already..
overwhelmed me !

Merlin said...

I call myself successful. It doesn't necessarily make me immune to all the epithets used by you.

Krish said...

Underachiever always felt like the best compliment I ever got. And since we are on that page where we discuss achievements, its some achievement to punch a hole in my week of misery. I rest my case!