It's actually nice to see life forming right for the people I know. Taking shape. For people I have known for some time and then lost touch with. It's nice for a change, because I am surprised I am not jealous. I am not not jealous because I am happy or anything. Just that after everything, I am just too fatigued to entertain the petty fangs of envy. So I am just relieved for you people. You stare out of my Facebook page. Celebrating birthdays, weddings, fancy honeymoons, dream jobs, living in cute houses, taking warm pictures with your soul mates, being happy. And I am relieved partly for you and partly for my belief system. That pours into my ears, slightly louder than a whisper that, the happy ending or rather the happy new beginning saga is true for atleast a lucky few, besides me.
It's amazing, how the size of my dreams has shrunk with age. When I was a little girl, I believed in fairies and in magic. As a confused teenager, I believed that there would come a time which would be mine. That rhymes awfully, but it's true. When I touched twenty, ah I couldn't imagine how I was going to prosper in joy in the next couple years. And live the unshackled dream of a life.
Now, I am as stuck as I have never been. Each day is a horrifying reminder of what I am missing. What trains I couldn't catch. What numerous ways i failed absolutely average average standards. I am embarrassed.
At the rate at which I am deteriorating, my only wish is to slow it down. I don't want to even wish to move up, i know that is ridiculously impossible. I just want to try hard to continue to be this semi damaged shadow of the little girl who believed in fairies and in magic. Amen!
And btw, happy people, I am happy for you. I mean really. Happy. No sarcasm there. None at all.