The Virtue of Indifference

I lost my innocence very early in life. Not owing to any incident in particular, but I just grew up faster I believe. Things that people realized ten years hence, I was done and dusted with in my adolescence. I don't blame anybody specifically, I was just the way I was. Sometimes this extra dollop of maturity acted to my advantage, i.e. I could get over stuff faster. 

I have hardly ever truly believed in the goodness of the people. World is a comedy of errors and I have gradually taught myself to laugh and then appreciate those errors. I sometimes even gorge on the beauty evident in some of these blatant flaws. Like nothing, absolutely nothing is up to our expectations, so you have got to dissolve your daily dissatisfaction with nicotine, caffeine, whatever it is. Or just woman up and stick with it. Like given a chance, life would fuck itself up. It's like Murphy is the father of the world. Bad things constantly happen, it's like the law of inertia. People, men and woman, are tightly wound nut jobs. They are narcissistic fools, arrogant buffoons, with mommy issues and daddy issues et cetera. The only way to get past their shit and focus on yours is just to give them a hearing. Only a hearing, mind you. Never listen to people, if you prefer sanity. Hardly anyone would actually be right beside you when you need anything, so never let them in. 

Mostly as you could already guess, I did not believe that goodness could actually exist in our species. And so I was never actually good, per se. I would just make do. Just be nice. And indifferent. Sometimes, even this would take a toll on me as it is. But it is a load less than being truly deeply madly good. 

That I have been the above for so many years now, reverting back to innocence is such a tough choice. It's so damn hard to actually mean it when I say, I am a good woman.


Blasphemous Aesthete said...

You know this being indifferent does pay off well in many situations, and not so well in others. But there is one hazard in being indifferent and yet giving a hearing. People begin to like you and they think that you are something behind that mask, that you'll mellow down if they persist. And when you don't, they start to not like you. The first is a hazard, the liking part, because it is an effing test of consistency.
And you talk of returning to innocence? You are a good woman, innocence hasn't anything to do with it.

Blasphemous Aesthete

Surya Prakash V said...

The world's goodness is just lost in translation. Considering our evolutionary limitations; this is not so bad.

If we choose the meanings to a fundamentally neutral entity. The universe is benevolent. Life is good. Earth, if I may quote from the hitchhikers guide to galaxy and DA, is "mostly harmless".