Blanc

Do you remember? That Saturday morning. I was busy making noodles in the kitchen. You were watching the match. You were nostalgic, it was your favorite guy's farewell match. So much so that I was checking on you every five minutes. Sitting on the arm of your chair, as the vegetables waited back on the kitchen slab. I do, remember I do. Even though, I am not a woman of memories.

Sometimes, I feel that as an act of defiance, my brain doesn't save up on memories. But then again, that's a childish excuse. May be I am just plain lazy. Lazy to remember anything. Or, I have begun to truly let go. Life is beautiful, take it as it comes. And stuff like that. But mostly, I am afraid, I believe. That these memories would come back to torment me someday. And then, I wouldn't know what to do.

So I am losing track of the things that are happening. Sundays that pass, weeks that vanish. Months, unaccounted for. Not an inch of forward movement, lifewise. Layers after layers of facial scrub applied and removed, nail paint and hair packs. Shoes, unbuckled. Dresses held together with safety pins, earrings bought and abandoned. Books read in half sleep, as good as unread, untouched. Things unsaid, memories unkept.

Sometimes, I feel that I am aging decades in months. That's impossible, I know. But I do feel that way. And I cannot judge if it's a good or a bad thing.

Is it okay to feel nothing? Murakami says it is. The protagonists that are a reflection of his, say so. I feel nothing. No ambition, no affection, no will to be anywhere, do anything, fulfill anything. I feel blank. Deeply ambivalent about everything. I feel inert, to be exact. Distant. Lazy, yes. Unhinged, but grounded in a way. But more than that, I feel nothing. Murakami says, thats okay.

So, it's okay.

6 comments:

Enigma said...

I find this to be the most powerful and intense post that I have read here, on your blog. All the more so because every single word, especially in the second half off the post, scratches deeper and deeper through the layers of composure I try to maintain. There are certain emotions, certain bents of mind (does that make sense?) that find no logic for their extended existence and make up for that with their intensity.

Mukarami is one of the authors on my to-read list. And I'm not sure if not feeling anything leaves on better off with feeling too much. After all, the weight of that vacuum and silence might become to heavy to bear.

A brilliant write, as always. And an instant favourite. Sharing it with a close friend as well. :)

P.S. - ever thought about publishing your work? :)

wildflower said...

I write only for the sake of it.

But yes, I have thought of publishing. Thank you for your thoughtful comments, appreciate your stopping by..

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Vagabond said...

"Sometimes, I feel that I am aging decades in months. That's impossible, I know. But I do feel that way. And I cannot judge if it's a good or a bad thing."

there is always something to find here...I never go back empty handed.

WritingForLife said...

I don't tell you enough, but you know you are my favorite blogger, right? :-)

wildflower said...

Am I now :)