Whole Again

While smudging kohl in my eye, I noticed a hole. A tiny hole to the corner on the lower flap, on the inside, towards the nose. I thought to myself, this must be the tear gland. Not the gland, but the orifice for the gland beneath. It's amazing, how I hadn't known where tears came from. After crying my eyes out. And today, it shows itself. It's like finding a blackspot under your chin. You had it ever since, without knowing. Without caring to know.

My mood lately is a cosine curve. I sink into troughs, for a set of predefined reasons. Loss, failure, disappointment, a deep, really deep sense of feeling misplaced. Mostly, I sink because I think I am stupid. Just foolish. And that's not a good thing, feeling foolish. Because it is accompanied with inexplicable anger. I choke myself screaming, howling, literally. I tear down wall hangings, punch pillows. It's like a mad woman has gotten into me. And I actually do relate to her in the span of my fit. And cry, cry a lot. I sink into the trough of the cosine. 

A while after, I consolidate. Very mechanically. Like an auto restoring system. I cool down. I feel up again. I try hard, really hard to convince myself that being a good person compensates for being stupid. I know, it doesn't. But I try. What can we do? I try to tell myself stories. That things will turn around. Even if they don't, I am strong enough to just take the shit. I fail, I shatter. I cry. Again.

And such, it goes on and on. I don't know if there's an escape, but an escape. I so want to feel whole again. 

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

It takes a while, but it will come to you again, being whole, I promise. As always, this resonates with me, more than I would want it to.

Enigma said...

There are only too many people to relate to this experience. Including my own self. Like the hidden tear gland orifice, there are parts of us that exist and function without us being aware of either of that. I've dealt with mood swings too, but it takes a long, long while to climb up and out of thr trough. There is an escape, there is always an escape. And most of the times, we are extremely close to that door.

I try and go around this by being in a blissful denial. Every morning, I smile over all my anxieties, telling myself with a smile that they don't exist and I am okay, that I am 'whole'. For the major part of the day, it works.