The end of assumption.

A tilted aspiration of sorts. Wanting to be who you know you wouldn't want to be. But you would be that anyway. Because that's how you always thought you should be. And by now there are too many assumptions and prejudices involved behind those dreams to be altered otherwise. All the rights and wrongs have been decided long ago. Like this life has been lived in totality in the past. All that is going on in the present is just a reflection of that hallowed past of righteous assumptions. Of what should and shouldn't be. So much tied by fixations I am that life feels more static than dynamic. More absolute than relative. Terms and conditions are too many. And my happyness is a function of a plethora of factors. Many of those factors I am not even aware of until they exit my life suddenly. Blatantly. As if just to mock me for taking them for granted.

For once, I have a tiny wish. If only I could live in moments. And not the way I do, in lapses, deciding first what I want to be, and then regretting what I couldn't become. I wish I could forget, erase all my assumptions. And begin and end every breath as if it were the only one. Seems utopic.  But now that all the threads of survival that held me together like a cobweb, have snapped off, I wish I could take up the liberty to make this tiny, teeny-weeny wish.

Somehow, the ridiculousness of everything catches on. I understand how much the joke is on me. But still can't make myself to accept and change. Recover from shock for that matter. I just can't. I am so much in shambles that now I don't want to gather myself together and walk away. If that be the only viable escape. I would lie this way, abandoned by fate. Forgotten, left behind. I am too ashamed to face myself in the mirror. Forget about equally or unequally concerned third parties. Now it feels that my resilience wouldn't give up. And I would die with my assumptions intact. Those assumptions I was talking about earlier, in case you've forgotten. That's how badly they're rooted in me. Yeah. The plight is pretty sad, to be honest.

You don't know where to go, when your own definitions fail you. And I have no-one else to become that mine have failed me. 


The Lover said...

I wish I could say things get better. I'm an eternal pessimist, that too not by choice. By now I know that whatever life throws at you, you have no one else but yourself to depend on. Things won't get better, you'll have to fight to make them the way that you wanted. So don't give up on yourself.

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

And sometimes I've wondered if someone could stop dreaming at all, just to avoid that one bitter moment, which kills something inside, something no matter how small, but important.

Blasphemous Aesthete

the feeling lioness said...

I was just thinking about terms and conditions
they are kinda cruel
I couldn't sort of understand the rest of the post

Surya Prakash V said...

Welcome home. Take your time to feel comfortable. Dinner at nine, with a touch of wine; enjoy!

Mansi said...

I wrote some similar thing few days back.If I could live in moments and not life as a whole. I am not an optimist and so I can't find happiness in small little thins of matter how hard I try..

Tapas said...

What happened?