Dead-end/Stale-mate

The  stillness of this room is stirring. Stirring deep insides. So, now is not the time for silence.

I do quite a few things right lately. For instance, I apply conditioner except on the roots of my hair. I do not day dream when I drive. I clean my phone-book on a monthly basis. I pray. Plead, beg, complain, rebel, abandon. I appreciate only the things that matter. Try to. Use the eff word more inside my head than out loud. I write often. Talk to friends. Reply to mails. Texts. Use smileys. I also persevere to be happy for others. Keep peer pressure out of the way. Smoke less often. Be more patient.

But, even though it's not falling apart yet, the person I dreamed of constructing from myself, is no where in sight. She isn't expected either. There was never a plan. Only a rough outline. That outline is now blotched. Like ink on soaked paper.

There is this trance I get lost in. When I try to weigh reality against illusion. Either everything is real. Or everything is an illusion.

Lately, like since last night, I have begun to believe that I've been cursed by the spite of innocent love. For I must have broken someone irreversibly. Do you believe me when I say that?

There is this sense of despair. Perennial loss. Though nothing much is lost. Then is my corrupt perspective. A constant air of gloom. Also this inability to even want to alter myself. Like some drugged complacency.

Also, there is a lack of focus in writing. You should know, if you've come this far.


3 comments:

Krish said...

You don't sound like complaining, so no consolatory comments..you don't sound like sharing the lightness of your trance..so no 'i know what it means' comments..bt if this no-focus, it will be worth waiting for the focus to come..

Ankur said...

Writings evolve, as we evolve.
I like this new sense of engagement - being responsible for one's own happiness !
"...cursed by the spite of innocent love" - aren't we all ?

Krish said...

wow, commenting twice...but I was just wondering, is it always the good that go through catharsis, i've never seen the bad questioning their actions? (Or does that feeling come only because we like everyone else, think we are good)