I haven't stalked him for such lonng. I feel weird. When I now do, look at the old pictures. Seems like an era ago. Like a very long period of time, has elapsed, and  I was in a coma. Life doesn't add up. Love doesn't beget love. Never, infact I am personal opposer of that. Fact. Word. So, we aren't where I had propositioned we would be. But mere, old flames. We are the two comical characters in any middle aged woman's memoirs of love. Affairs that failed to work. Calls that weren't answered. Answers that didn't have questions. Dates remind me of him. Not the exact ones, my crammed memory doesn't allow me that liberty. Nada. I remember him in rough approximations of those. The second week of June, the first of November. On the thirtyfirst of December. You know. All that. Like the lost stanzas of a love song. The miffed strums of guitar. Like unrequited love. When I loved him, and then when he loved me back. But not just in the adequate amount. He was inadequate, grossly in that regard. A man's ability to give love, is a wee bit more important than his amorous prowess. We both failed actually. Hah. That is why, sometimes I feel a hole in my soul. And a lot of couldbe's surround me. Like float around my head, revolving in circumferences of ellipses. This and that. It's not regret. Nada. Something much inferior in degrees of human emotion. In severity. There is no heartache. It's a mere wave of mild hopelessness. It will pass.  

*Nada: Spanish for nothing. Nothing for Spanish.


Blasphemous Aesthete said...

Does not matter. We all die alone. The denial is the hardest part.

Blasphemous Aesthete

Preeti S. said...

So, I read it out aloud with Debussy playing in the background. And what a beautiful experience it was. Being in the speaker's shoes, I could feel the emotional tug with all its severity but somehow, the prick lasted not too long and gradually, silently, faded into the background. I can feel a sort of emptiness which can be like a blank canvas for a new beginning. Some chapters in life need to end for the better ones to come.

P.S. - I love the stream of consciousness style that you use for all your posts. It's amazing. :D