Thirty Five

Lately, something's happened.

I've shut down. Like you know, emotionally. There's nothing I feel. Either this is deep-depression. Or this is nirvana.

So, in this utter dearth of conversation, my mind freed up. Because vacuum also means no obligations. And I dug into memories, flipping through old conversations. Fossilized emails.

There was this one girl, who had on a few occasions written to me elucidating to the tiniest detail how I had stolen her boyfriend. This was back in college. I had replied, apologizing - and also making it clear that I had no idea what she was talking about. But she insisted. I didn't even know the guy properly except that I had seen him looking at me a few times on campus. She kept on writing. I was painfully shy back then. I couldn't do anything other than denying. 

I had forgotten about the entire episode, until now. That girl had a rather unique name and it just stood out in my inbox. I felt an emotion rather close to pity. Look - where we have come. We've taken long tortuous roads to being cocooned and loveless. All that effort and perseverance for nothing! 

I hope, she is better today though. 

I kept sifting through old emails - until your name came to my mind. I stayed awake all night reading our conversations. I never gave it that much thought - or may be I did - and now time has eroded those memories. But I now realize, how deeply you loved me. It must be a sin to let go of that kind of love. 

And I would cry if I could. But can't because, now - tears have run dry. They just won't come.

I've said I'm sorry in the past I'm sure - a dozen times or more. And you knew as well - that I wouldn't do a thing to hurt you. But I have - and with so much cruelty. Because I know - and I've experienced first hand - what that kind of heart-wrenching heartbreak does to you. When you love with so much naivety - and the other person has nothing to return. 

Many many years have passed, my friend. 

I hope you're happy, my friend. I hope you're happier than me, at-least. In the very least and by leaps & bounds. 

Thirty and five. Thirty-five.