It's a much denied fact, but we all look for support. And when all else fails, we look for an ideology we could stick to. So as to say, if at the end of the day, everything else is taken away from you, you could still say, you stood by what you believed in. Or pretended to believe in.

I am going fishing. For one such comforting ideology to stick to. You see I do not have many other sources of solace or engagement. So I would rather hunt down my beliefs, and try to knit them into what they call a belief system. And call it a day. And go off to sleep again, as my mom says.

It's a funny post, me writing about all this. You see I never had the time or more importantly the stretchable attention span to look for an ideology, I was running the rat race like all of you. I don't intend to call you a rat anyway, if you quit, I do bow before thee. Why I was engaged breathlessly doing what everyone else was doing was because the risks of being unique and hence ostracize-able weren't involved at all. So there was a comfort, a safety rather. It's my typical middle class, I-don't-want-to-be-left-homeless fear. It has nothing to do with anything. I have been brought up on fear. Not that I aspire for the filthy rich worthless millionaires, or sympathize any less for the decaying chunk of the population in slums.

Just that I have been so busy with me, that there has hardly been anytime to be actually concerned per se. But now, I have been lounging lazy for two months, and I need something desperately to comfort myself. So I am here to knit my belief system. So that I can call something my own.

I was never slightly inclined towards the left, but as a kid I have seen appalling poverty around. I mean really! So I began thinking that something should be done about all the poor people. I read a few books, I wouldn't name them and bore you to death, but the filth in their lives was so accurately described, I was drawn closer and closer to wanting to find a solution.

Then I saw the helplessness of it. Conversations with people, with myself, the absolute inability of the system to change, the lackadaisical attitude towards it all, frustrated me. And since I had so many other frustrations in my life, I quit on this one and became indifferent.

Later, I read some more books and gave my heart to individualism. And thanks to my stint with a master's degree, I supported the staunch capitalist, and became a vague rightist. You get these bi-directional sways of my heart, don't you?

There were too many questions, a quagmire of them actually. A mess inside my mind, justifications I sake, guilt I felt. The lingering silence became very disturbing, but that disturbance is anyway a respite from my perennial issue of heartache.

However, now I have stopped looking for the absolut. My solution, if I may call it one, is that I have begun seeing things on scale, that extends indefinitely in opposite directions. And everything can be explained in a relative context to something else. But that something else is never the absolute, can be explained again with respect to something else. And so we move on the scale, in either direction, and sometimes multi-dimensionally.

And if the luster of the title attracted you, but the post bored you to death, but still you read on till the end, then you may in fact ask for an apology!


Blasphemous Aesthete said...

Regarding that poverty thing, I sometimes contemplate things in my pea sized brain and it always tells me a tape on repeat. It says that You (In my case the You is Me), You cannot change things no matter how hard you tried. There can only be a slap with one hand, not claps. The poor have to make some effort to rise if You were to make any advances towards their upliftment. Alright I am drifting, but you don't owe me any apology.

Blasphemous Aesthete

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Surya Prakash V said...

Lol, my bad. The spirits the shine, not bored just fine.

Everytime I rearrange my furniture, the room looks beautiful for a while. All I want is to break away from anywhere I begin to settle down ;)

wildflower said...

Though it may sound terribly selfish, I totally totally agree with you!

In love with what you said. But I am too lazy to shift my furniture. Hence I play that game inside my mind and the consequences are so much more severe!

The Sage said...

Okay, I start with demanding the apology first!! Flo, do think, but do not get your pretty head to headaches thinking...
the socialist or the capitalist, the left or the right... or maybe the center... think it over...

wildflower said...

C'mon Rishi! Something has to matter, when there is nothing else to. I am looking for that something, trying to hold on to it, for now atleast. Survival tactic.

The Sage said...

something is there that does matter... I, for me, and you for you... simbul...