blackout

now you're here
and i know.. where i'm goin'
no more doubt.. no more fear
i've found my way..
so let's live.. today
..anyway*

It was the advent of winter, and my first venture into the basement of the mall. I'd bought fresh sheets; my bed was cleaned, room dusted/ my favorite song played all night. A sizzling hot shower, in the middle of the night, drenched hair, loose curls, the black beauty spot under my chin. Solo. Either unseen or forgotten. Showed up, suddenly in that mirror, life sized.

Now, in retrospect, when a million cab rides and a dozen flights from one unknown sanctuary to another, seem too small to encapsulate what I've become, I see all my visible memory converging into a point. Into something like the mark under my chin. To be left there, for as long I will be, unseen or forgotten. Abandoned, yet there. 

Reminding me of times when I was unafraid of being insane, now that I am. Reminding me of how crazy I have become, that I shatter rules with a hard earned vengeance, and get away with it, suave and sober. Reminding me of how bars could cage me, now that the world outside doesn't entice me either. 


Whenever, after a gap of years, I find the black spot, I would think of the love that was lost, the faith  that was ditched and the illusions that have fallen apart. Once again, standing on the ruins which were once me, I would giggle away at myself.





* Nina Simone- Just In Time

4 comments:

Ritika Gupta said...

:)

Ritika Gupta said...

read ur blog after a long time.. had the feeling of "coming back.."

A said...

your blog is better than coming back to a favorite book...glad to know your in a good place in your life.

:-Dee said...

Emotion and depth comes thru in this post of yours. Well-written!