Looking

I am my opiate, in the making.

I am a chemical. I am a ticking bomb.

A half said sentence; I am the dust on shoes. Like a settled thought. Also, I could be a fleeting moment. Transitory. Between existence and non-existence. I am a lot of could be's. But most of all, I am a chemical. Constituted in weird mind boggling concoctions. Or whatever.   

I must be opium. Because I am driven to insanity by default. By birth. This defect is congenital. Being possessed by the want of what not. Of being ignorant of what is it, what is it, that could, begin to, quieten this deafening noise inside me. 

I am ignorant of all causes and consequences of my being. And I am swaying, between drunken footsteps. Walking this way, that way, and then walking away. Away. 

But, nevertheless, I am looking. Unaware of what it is. The elixir that could cure, quieten, put to sleep. This chaos. Decompose the concocted elements that make me. The chemical I am. I am still looking. 

Someday, hope bless me, that the end point of this quest be me itself. And I end up where I had begun. My journey comes a full circle. Keeping in line with my love for circles. 

And I ultimately accept that I was the opiate. Am the opiate. I am the one person I was looking for. And not anyone else. No one else. Just I.

13 comments:

Surya Prakash V said...

Beautiful!

"FB like"

jnana said...

Wow, this post makes me dizzy.

wildflower said...

@ jnana

Dizzy good or dizzy bad. The former, I suppose! :)

@ V

FB like is a cheap stunt. We have risen above that. Haven't we.

Surya Prakash V said...

Perverted humor. Apologies.

Let me rephrase that response properly:

Beautiful!

Syed Ali Hamid said...

Ho waapsi agar to unhi raaston se ho/
Jin raaston se pyaar tera le gaya mujhe.

Syed Ali Hamid said...

And, I don't know why, but your post reminds me of 'Siddharta" (Hermann Hesse).

Tan said...

It isnt oneself we look for... And it isnt somebody else we re looking fr... We re looking for jus tht one feeling! Tht feeling of being.. Wen we hv tht realisation, life does come a full circle

Merlin said...

Have been blog surfing recently, after having been out of blogosphere for quite some time. Been disappointed. It is almost as if when I went out of blogosphere, people stopped writing. Or at least writing as they should. This post is a refresher. A breath of fresh air. Something that I crave for. One of these everyday could get me going. Get me thinking. Ger me feeling. Awesome is an understatement. Keep writing. And in case I am out of blogosphere, can you just mail me this kinda stuff when you write something this awesome? :P

prateek mathur said...

After this, I need a smoke! :)
The only other work I can think of is Javed Akhtar's poem in ZNMD with the blue sapphire analogy...loved the last para!

wildflower said...

'Pighlay neelam sa behta hua yeh samaan
Neeli neeli si khamoshiyaan
Na kahin hai zameen
Na kahin aasmaan
Sarsaraati huyi tehniyaan, pattiyaan
Keh rahi hain ki bas ek tum ho yahaan
Sirf main hoon meri saansein hain aur meri dhadkanein
Aisi gehraiyaan
Aisi tanhaiyaan
Aur main sirf main
Apne honay pe mujhko yaqeen aa gaya'

Merlin said...

:)

Syed Ali Hamid said...

Wah! Ye jaan ke khushi hui ke aap ko bhi Urdu shairi mein dilchaspi hai.

Kamrey mein mere dhoop ka koi guzar na tha
Tanhaiyon ki aag ne jhulsa diya mujhe.

Surya Prakash V said...

I once found a forgotten toy,
A book written in ink of joy,
I flipped; I flopped,
Like a little boy,
Became the world,
As my why became how,
An arc splashed,
On the canvas of now


The sun was bright,
The moon always full,
And then I saw a man walk by,
A sunken reflection of the fallen sky,
Smiling at my play,
Or a forlon sigh?
He told me his secret,
The one I hadn't asked,
He lived by the night,
As he forgot to fly,
And now he sells by writing a lie ...