Just-existing

Like in peak summer

The soul has evaporated

Walls have shrunk

My mind has imploded

Anxiety isn't cake

Every day, every hour

Unknown fears obsess 

There must be 

One cheap shrink for me

Will take a cab every Saturday

Or biweekly

Just talk you know

Cry, hug, roar, may be

Sit on a chair

Stare, be heard

And for one fleeting moment

Be unraveled

House plants still flower

Husband still cooks

My son, cries, smiles, 

And doesn't eat enough

Drink enough

I sweep, wash clothes

And work too

Phones ring off the hook

Mails are typed and sent

At super fast speed

Sans typos

There's no time

None at all

But even in those free nano seconds

I get daily to barely sit

Somehow I manage

To devastate myself

With worry

With regret

With anger seething

And unbearable disappointment

You know what I am talking about?

Every day, I weigh

Not-existing over just-existing

I shouldn't have to

It probably ain't that bad

But I just cannot

Seem to manage my mind