Looking for an Alternative-Some pure heart emptying stufF

CAUTION:LONG POST AHEAD! :D
I had a brain storming session and everything in life that is like my staple food immediately shifted to a hazy back ground. Love, the lack of it, solitude, sorrow...frustration everything lost its significance for that sometime. The only thing that blinded me was some kind of a professional slit throat competition. I
lost my capacity to think. I almost lost myself. It was not the usual hopelessness that took over. But there was this blockade that occurred in my brain that prevented me from thinking fast or from thinking at all for that matter. For that sometime the silent musical life I lead looked so distant. The new skin I was supposed to wear looked yet so alien. I din't exactly feeling valueless because I was so trying to
improve myself by analysing my lacunae. But then there were so many things I needed to do...my entire thought process in my mind was like paralysed. I was somewhere where my ingenuine spontaneity ditched me, and ditched me bad. Haven't I had enough of being myself? Just myself. Is the time ripe for introducing things that could make me the person that the profession I have chosen should make me? And by the way, what profession have I chosen for myself? Engineering? Why did I do engineering? Because that was what was the normal course of things after twelfth. And after scoring real bad in it, learning practically nothing out of it, I am wiating for someone to
drop down from the holy heavens and give me a job. And what am I upto now? I am giving entry into a B school, a try. A casual try. I try not to ask myself questions. Things go haywire. Because I never know the answer to these questions. I can't prove myself brave enough to fish in unchartered waters. So I never take that unnecessary risk. Because taking a risk so naturally leads to worrying. And I never wanted to add to my pile of worries, as I happen to be a person with an affinity for the darker things in life. And so strong is my this affinity that I almost like being sad and alone. And for the above mentioned reasons I have never taken risks. Also honestly, before my engineering,I had been subject to some kind of a stress to perform,
and perform somewhat, should I say, par excellence. So performing well takes a non-thinking-and-not-giving-a-damn-fellow via a well beaten path. So I never involved myself in stuff that people generally din't do. So this is where I have landed. A place that looks so much like a dumping ground, where the world dumps unwanted hav-nots. I would be a coolie that could do things that almost 80% of the working
class does. I lack class, I lack vision. I am a rote learner. I never had the guts to take out of my way risks. Most importantly, I am hellishly lazy. I am just one smug person who loves herself very dearly.What are the good things about me? I am spontaneous, and sometimes, out of the box innovative. But my creativity doesn stand
me in good stead when I need it the most. It just pokes its head when I am in the middle of a boring lecture I should be paying attention to. And let me not forget. I am honest too. Honest about my weaknesses. I am honest in criticizing myself. But oh I am so running out of my criticism. I need a capsule or two lateral thinking. How could anybody be so screwed up with the Tom-Dick-Harry whatever way of thinking?
This is not an identity crisis. Because an identity crisis is at times at some abstract level. But I am facing bare truths about myself after a long long time.
Should I have taken the other road? Could I have survived had I picked up humanities...literature? May be not...I have never wanted to do things that have been forced down on me. Anyway, everything would have invariably lead to a failure.
It's not an emotional mess I am in. I am not troubled or anything. But I know I am in a mess. I am conscious of this well thought of disaster that awaits me a few months from now.
May I Rest In Peace