the weather here has been changing for the past couple of days. it's been getting unusually sunny and windy. the sun has shown itself after a three month long lull of winter, it's kind of unbelievable, i am so used to the cold by now. to remind of winter, the winds no doubt re very chilly. that's what i have been trying to write about for the last couple of days, this contradiction. the sun and the winds. it's weird, it's a contradiction.
at night it gets scary sometimes. i never get scared though. the darkness is impenetrable, my candle doesn't stand for long. its flicker dies, subsequently. sometimes, i put it off because i want to be friends with the dark.
so the day before yesterday i so wanted to break this cycle of sun winds and the dark that i broke it. one moment i was wanting to run away, and in the next i was gone. i kept walking through old alleys. naked wires hung across them, from pole to pole. people staring down from their roofs. more noise on the outside, less of which i recognised. more and more silence inside my mind. strangers, strangers and more strangers. i got busy taking pictures. i kept walking and walking. loosing touch with the world i belonged to. becoming a part of another. developing bonds, shredding bonds. i reached cross-roads. i realised i had lost myself. and that moment, i will cherish. happiness in such volumes hadn't visited me in the recent past. i loved the fact that i had actually lost my way back. i wouldn't have to go back.
no, i didn't want to start all over again. but i just wanted to stand there, holding that lost moment in my hands. precisely, live and re-live that frozen moment. that liberation. that reassurance of being lost.
the day before yesterday i felt that i lost you. i had no regrets. if breathing sans you was my destiny, then so be it, i thought. but yesterday, a fear creeped in. my feeling of liberation post being lost had weaned a little. the whole day i felt like writing to you. or about you. but couldn't.
i was scared. i cried before i slept.
but as today touched me, i know that you are coming back. and i am here to wait.