..

Saying a word, stopping midway, dissolving into giggles, forgetting what I was saying. Singing some random song, losing track of the lyrics. Checking if what I was saying was grammatically correct. I wouldn't ever compromise with grammar. And laughing aloud for that. For no good reason. Breaking down into tears incessantly. For no good reason. Or for too many reasons that are suppressed inside, from a long long time. Hugging strangers, absolute strangers. Telling them things I never thought I would be able to say. Some surge of positive energy that must have been. Being an absolute pain in the ass for the sober people around. Begging them to listen. They complying, not having the slightest idea of what I was blabbering, but still nodding, patiently. Holding hands. Sharing stories, bubbles of guarded secrets bursting one after the other. Checking also sometimes, if I was saying things I truly truly meant. And I was. Alcohol purifies.

Sometimes, I get drunk to get over things I can't deal with. Nah, I think that's all I do it for. Goodbyes are the hard part. I can't see my hold loosening on the present, walking into an unknown future.

I can't say that all this place has given me is happyness. Rather, it has made me sad oftener than otherwise. But sometimes you get attached to a place because of the pain it has made you go through. Because sadness gets the real you out in the open. There is nothing to cloud your judgement. And the bonding that happens with the glue of sorrow, is deep. It is.

As I walk out of the campus in a few hours, I would miss the places I sat down and cried whenever I was totally depressed. The flagpost from where I stared at the sleeping Shillong on many lonely nights. The one stair on the flight of stairs I sat down on and chatted sometimes with friends, sometimes with myself. I would miss sitting on my bed and not opening the window, because the world outside reminded me of things I despised.

Sad memory outlasts good memory.

I am this mixed bag of emotions now, trying to avoid feeling altogether. But it's true, the people I have met here, I am not going to meet anyplace else. Though I try to avoid using the word, I defy myself for the lack of a better word, it was Awesome! The connections I have made, are not replicable, the way in which I have understood people and the way I have been understood, bit by bit, I am grateful to destiny for having me brought here. For that one decision I took, to join this institute two years ago.

No amount of writing would suffice, so I wouldn't even try. I just know, where my words fail and my heart takes over. There is no suitable parting phrase I could think of. And trust me, I have been trying, trying to sum it up. But have, fortunately failed.

I hate writing about my life for real, I love being lost, as they say, in fiction and illusion and imagination. But lo, I just wrote one..

And I am bad at saying things, but I compensate that enough by writing I guess. And so I write, I am really going to miss you all!

Signing off,
wildflower @ Awesome66! :) 

11 comments:

Koo said...

I have a friend who drinks a lot these days. He says he feels the need to. And i never understand why. You post kind of made me think :)

Mansi said...

" Alcohol purifies"

It surely does! I could relate with so many things you wrote...no matter how much we try to run from attachment..it conquers us.. in some way or the other!
Your first para brought a smile on my face..for rest..triggered off nostalgia!
In simple words...Loved it!

Anonymous said...

parting is painful...u hav put it down in a very nice manner.
all the very best for the journey ahead :-)

prateekmathur said...

i have read a lot of posts about people leaving colleges and getting nostalgic...i have written about that stuff multiple times myself too..! when i left my undergrad college i literally became insomniac for 15 days...then one night i sat down at 2.30 AM..wrote a 1550 words long, emotionally charged post in 3 hours...and it felt so relaxing...and then I slept..! i am guessing ur going through that now...! may be a little less, because it as PG and u may have seen this separation before...
but this was a very different take on this issue...mixing it with alcohol gave it a new perspective...
alcohol is a funny thing...isn't it..! u need it when ur happy...and then u need it when ur sad...and sometimes u need it when ur neither..! simply, bored...but alcohol and nostalgia is a dangerous mix...the most emotional one, truest in its own way..!
ur gonna leave this place..start a new life...new job...meet new people...and then someday u ll have a re-union...and guess what...there will be alcohol there too..!
Good luck
good piece.!

P.S. since u said u will never tolerate wrong grammar, so i am mentioning...look in for a 1-2 typos...its perfect otherwise.!

Dreamcatcher said...

u getting drunk?? when that happened??

Soumya said...

Alcohol Purifies.. Cannot agree more!

Even if it is momentary distraction, it sure is worth it.

eternity said...

"For that one decision I took, to join this institute two years ago."

I remember discussing it with you two years ago, both of us were in a similar dilemma then and we made the same decision.

And now that it has been a full circle, looking back i too feel that maybe it was destiny.

So much happened, i have witnessed extreme joy as well as extreme angst, pain and malice in the last two years.

But yes some things just made the place close to my heart, dear to me for what it gave me......

and truly i cannot be more happy "For that one decision I took, to join this institute two years ago."

(i hope its ok if i borrowed your words, it just fit into my own expression of feelings so well that couldn't resist :) )

wildflower said...

Koo.. sympathize with us people will you :P

Thanks Mansi :)

Anonymous, I am assuming I know you and hence the anonymity.. but that's fine & thanks :)

Prateek.. Haha.. I am so grateful to Tanvi :D I try avoiding writing about my life for real..leaving college falls in that category, but like you said, I had to get done with it and start packing! :D

wildflower said...

Oh Saahil.. I thought you knew me ;) My drunken drama was quite spectacular I am told :P

Soumya
hi5 for that! Totally worth it.. And the mental high that lasts beyond that night makes it even more attractive!

Thanks Sid..the first of Awesome66 I came across.. I realized that sometime ago..but couldn't bring myself to say it as is always the case :) ..all the best & stay in touch :)

wildflower said...

For the record,
In retrospect it feels like time flies by. But I am pretty sure it would crawl like its usual self if I could rewind it to March 8, 2009, exactly 2 years before today..when life had so much hidden in it that I had no idea of then..

Tanvi said...

@Prateek: you have no idea what u have got ur hands on (here i refer to the blog). Also, I apologize for keeping you deprived from this pleasure..

@Saahil: you should have been there... whole night i just wanted you guys to be there...but alas!!