Sometimes the whole world is not enough. Sometimes all I want is you. Everything else stops pretending to be a substitute. The struggle pauses, takes a breath. Reality bites. Nothing consoles. Tears ooze. Sometimes.

Fucking sometimes. All I hear are my screams. Deathlike and hollow. Deafening and desperate. This present looms large, the future blinds. Blinds with fear. All roads shut. No escape. No escape. No escape.

Sometimes I look out of sheets of glass and forget the about everything inside. Sometimes I dissolve, literally dissolve into a being of unconsciousness. Not asking questions or seeking answers. Just moving in and out of tunnels of randomness, deeply involved.

Sometimes I ask myself why I can't feel. I try to sheer off my layers of immunity. Inculcate envy, from the ones who live. But I cannot. Numbness is the preferred alternative, no matter what.

Lately, I think my writing has lost its honesty, a lot. Feels so. There are numerous numerous incomplete drafts. Sometimes I open them and read through. Each one is a stuck story. Inside my mind, they had no where to proceed. No future. All roads shut. No escape. My stories are becoming more like me.

Anxiety is killing me. I have begun to believe that both happyness and sorrow are mere chemicals in my brain. If my moods were graphs, I can see them dip and plummet, and fall into abysses. Bottomless ones. I can see kinks too, you know kinks. Short-lived, artificial kinks. Meaningless.

It's all vague. That's how it should be. Distinct lines should fade out into vague hazes. Chaos should outlast order. Inertness should out-throw senses.

Dearth hasn't killed me. Intoxication hasn't numbed me. Love hasn't broken me. Sometimes I feel they did. But apparently they didn't. Because I am still here. Writing this. For who knows who.


Koo said...

You write beautifully! It cuts through and touches somewhere deep inside. :)

$uch! said...

I am still here.... For who knows who.

nOt anyone you know said...

for who knows who!

Raajii said...

You are not the only one. Believe me, you are not the only one.

wildflower said...

Thanks Koo, Koo is a lovely name

Suchi, me too. You make me want to carry on..

Yeah, I like that too Bhavika :D

Raaji..if only that could console..