A tryst with myself...

I am just a spectator as I watch my life take new dimensions every day. Frustration ruled my moods from the past couple of days. I had been grilled by situations to a good extent. I begged my patience to stay with me for some more time, some more time and some more time. I drilled holes in my heart, consoled my tears…I learned to face tough things…bad people. I tried to perform whatever duty had been entrusted to me to my level best. I dragged my feet; I tried to have an agreement with life, as it is .It was tough indeed. It wasn’t fun. I wanted things to get over, and then I thought I would shrink into my world, where I would sit alone…and mull over things like I do. I would cut myself off from the people who have disgusted me to no end. I was irritated because of being denied the things I deserved, but tried to hide it under my skin…I wanted to stabilize myself and face the challenge that life had posed before me.

But, nothing else satisfies me as much as hard work does. The definite reasons for this are unknown. May be it is about the sweat I shed. Or the labor my legs do running about, or the stuffed up feelings I discard after dancing till I drop. I love dancing, though I don’t know dancing. Dance is an absolute purifier. I am surprised when I witness the way it purges me. Music bursting my eardrums and my hands and legs moving as if my brain has lost control over them. It is sometime now that I realize what Paulo Coelho meant when he talked about dancing taking people closer to their souls and to God in The Witch Of Portobello.

It is one of those rare occasions when I am genuinely happy. My nerves are calm. There is some peace about this moment that I want to live for a thousand moments more.

Somebody said one should never try to re do and re live the best moments in her life, she would end up only disappointed. Because it is impossible to re invent the charm that fate had bestowed for that instant on the infinite time axis. So I should rather no try to relive this moment ever. Of course, if my memory is promising enough I would relish both the pleasure and the pain forever.

It was during those tough times that I comprehend my potential and learn about my weaknesses. I take feedback from people, if it makes some sense to me. Whether I implement it or not, depends on me. I would rather be unaccepted as I am not, rather than being accepted for somebody I am not. I am someone who should rather cut down on the capriciousness and the ingenuity and should add things as pragmatism and patience to her. People ask me to change a little by little. But I guess it would be something not that favorable to change. This stark difference from the crowd around me is what it takes me to make Me. I love myself and I want some peace to seep into my being. There is some kind of an equilibrium. And I want it to stay for sometime, before it vanishes. That’s all…

2 comments:

NR said...

"...one should never try to re do and re live the best moments in her life.."
It somehow makes too much sense -at least to me..

................your's entirely said...

keep trying to be happy with yourself-that's THE MOST difficult thing to do