to throw up:-

These days nothing makes sense to me. I feel like an ascetic, away from the worldly because i wonder if i seriously want something right now. When my heart tilts towards a thing, I warn myself. For a second I wonder if I actually need it. The next second I convince myself that I would be absolutely fine without the 'thing'.So the whim is gone in just two seconds. And after this, my mind ends up feeling sterile. 

It's not just with 'things'. I have begun behaving this way with 'real-people'. The moment I like someone, I begin to distance myself from him. I fear becoming an emotional-parasite. I fear losing my independence. Sometimes I ask myself if I want to live by myself all my life? I have so many insecurities about my life that I feel tiny and endangered. I feel everything is but a facade. Nothing is real. and that one shouldn't be carried away. One daren't budge. And I tie the chastity-belt about my neck.

Moral of the story, I feel my life has no meaning. living like vegetable, is not worth it at all. Nothing arouses in me any emotion of any sort. Sometimes, sudden pangs of anxiety have me completely.. they leave me wornout and worse.These days I dwell in my own pathos...


~All women keep score.
Only the great ones put it in writing.~

12 comments:

academically impaired said...

ok seriously u need 2 classify each time u publish a blog,in fiction n non fiction

meghufree said...

bless you :P

(¯`•._.•[Raaji]•._.•´¯) said...

ahh.. thats the paradox of life. You just gotta live it. Sigh.

kunal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kunal said...

u bought thoughts to my eyes

anirudh said...

oho

wildflower said...

Me & my inability to -like- things these days..i went shoppin today and the world went upside DowN!!

@ academically-
it's sumwht both!

@meghufree
thankyou :)

@raaji
i wish i cud buy myself a bettr life. sigh!

@ kunal
aah! :)

@ anirudh
???

d gypsy! said...

this makes u better... coz u recognize the worst...

C R D said...

Hey, thats petty much my approach too :)

I HATE making new friends (offline that is:P) ...think of it as too much of a headache..coz i give friends a lot of importance. So making a new friend entails:-

remembering bdays
calling sometimes
Smsing frequently
scrapping
outings
being agony aunt...erm uncle,etc etc

and when i relaise that i wasn't as important to tht person as i considered him/her to be..it hurts, and i withdraw into a shell

so i guess staying aloof from new people is ok...those who reallyu care will come to u even after seeing that thick shell of urs. :P

joined MBA in june...had pre-decided that I dint want any friends from the lot. for a month i hardly spoke to anyone....

today i have about 15 very close friends in the batch :P inspite of maintining that shell of mine

so its all good gal

wildflower said...

@gypsy
lol :D

@ CRD
hmm/...long one/

C R D said...

hmm...sorry [:p]..will remember the next time

puneet said...

chastity belt is not meant to be tied around the neck :P. ok. on a serious note, stop this abysmal self loathing!you know you are better than this.