paraphernalia..for love.

i will let the folds on my white bedsheet stay. i will leave them the way they are, until they become creases. i won't empty the ash tray ever. the imprints of your lips from your last sip, is a thing i would never part from. i will cage your smells in this room, for the years to come. your voice, your hmmm's and ohh's, forever...

your touch, our dreams, the castles we built, i swear, i will keep them safe. until the day, you come back to me. to continue my life from where you had abruptly paused it. to pick me up again from whereyou had abandoned me. to love me again. to make my story come true.

Art began, when you love left me

PS: a rainy saturday afternoon. hot coffee after a hot shower. the hot shower redeems the mind. the steam settles on the window pane. your name written on it, with my fingers. the coffee jerks me awake, yet again. the aftertaste of sugar persists. with every sip, remnants of you keep finding their way back to me. and it starts raining harder...isn't this romantic?!

Bias.

One Sunday evening he and I were talking. I was walking down to the ATM to get some cash for the next week. I thought I would talk through. We drifted to relationships. The lack of them. Marriage. And then an ultimate oneliner from him,"Some people even look for a beautiful girl to marry". I laughed then. In those wisps that escaped my mouth, were my sighs. I am thinking about it now.

How often do you care to notice someone who almost merges with the background? Someone who is forced to do so or someone who does it by choice. A someone who doesn't have that attractive a face, that catchy a smile or that visible an attitude. Someone who lives by himself. You won't right? Never ever?

Honestly I wouldn't either. My eyes aren't deft enough to suck the beauty out of things as real as life. We always love things that look beautiful. Unconsciously we lose out on loving the things that are beautiful. And that my dear, is not that good a deal.

You wont ever care to speak to a girl who is not a hot shot. Would you? If her hair isn't jet black or dark shades of coffee; if she lacks vital vital statistics; if she isn't fair, you would ne'er, would you? You won't ever notice someone who is not consciously trying to get noticed. If you won't then you have no work here. Fuckoffyoubloodysonovabitch!

PS: Nevamind my last phrase. I had to use it. I am relieved now. Sigh!

One four letter word I despise is Bias.

sleep is a prostitute

sleep is a prostitute. right now i am unhappy, disgruntled, frustrated. so she wont come to me. i try to drug myself to sleep. i work, pushing limits. i try to think of things less tragic. but she wont come to me tonight.

right now, i am sinking. i am very sad. i am trying. still i am failing. i am losing sleep over it. i am losing. i am failing. i am too shocked to realize the shock. i can't afford a smile. i walked myself to a lonely corner where noone was looking and tried to cry, tried to get the lump that was choking my chest off it. but i cudn't help it. i cudn't help anything. i cudn't help myself. i am too shocked. i can't take this. because i can't believe this. because i don't take this.

the worst happens when you don't get what life is trying to convey. and right now i am so puzzled to perceive what life is trying to convey through all that happened today. i wont ever be able to forget today. i hate today.

and i am still not getting sleep. and i can't cry either. i don't have anyone to share this with. tell me, could it get worse? tell me could it get beyond this?

lastdays

this is about how i wanted to spend my last days and how exactly i did so:

1. i loved walking. i walked evenings, nights. to all the places i ever wanted to. at hours odd and even. beside trees tall and old. beside trees that had leaves sensuous dark green and sometimes stunted boughs on which sprouted coppery baby leaves. i walked under starry skies, and took pictures of my shadow. i stood under street lights and wondered. and all the while i had the most wonderful companion ever. someone who disaapeared into thin air when i wanted to be alone, emerging only when i felt the need.

2. i loved chicken all the more then. wanted to eat out every other night. and my chicken-aholism reached its heights. i have had my drums-of-heaven and am done with it!

3. i wanted to find an alter-ego. i found an alter-ego.

4. i wanted to sleep with music on all night. one song playing all night.

precisely what i did.

5. i wanted not to care for a thing in the world. sigh! made sure that happened in the best way possible.

6. i wanted to rain-walk. i drenched myself in the first rain one entire afternoon. i laughed like hell in the rain. forthe first time rain wasnt an excuse for tears. people looked at me like i were mad. but point no. 5!

7. wanted to be a-lone. courtesy the world, i always had the liberty to be so.

8. shopping-ah-shopping! frocks, capris, tops & trinkets.

9.wanted to get high once, twice... a dozen times, and that happened many times over due to various reasons of course

10.wanted to talk all night. yeah! and have memories of it..for the rest of my life/. i am having memories of it still and i am storing them in locked chambers for the better.

11. i wanted to quit studying. and proly that showed in my final results.

12. wanted to see the sun rise, being up all night. for once in life, that

too happened..!

Point to take to heart: One way of being happy is doing exactly what you want to do. Hence proved.

PS: /DNM @ C-110-KMS-NITR-I am gonna miss you forver/

Cudn care les..

1. I just talked to my mum(after some hours),kid bro(after a day), and dad(after two days)- in a row. We're apart. And I wanna keep making sure that we're not falling apart. The hint of it makes me sick!

2. I have basically remained the same person, standing all the changes that threatened to outlive me.

3. I am still sticking to coffee.

4. Though I like the stink of nicotine better/.

5. I have become *very* *very* specific about the people I want to stay in touch with. Consider yourself (un/)lucky enough if you're still alive on my (hit)list.

6. Indifference is having the better of me these days. I cannot care to form an opinion about any thing or person whatsoever. Or may be I need time. Or may be I am plain as confused as I am.

7. I have seen real bad days in life. But still belive, that I will marry for love.

8. I apparently, am always gainingweight! And I apparently have always had a bad-hair-day;a-bad-hair-month; a bad-hair-year and soforth.

9. I wake up @ 8 and doze off more than a dozen times in the first lecture @9. That reminds me, in life, I am still studying. I am told that I am yet to see the reaL~baD world..I wonder, what else am I yetto see?

10. Well that also reminds me I am turning tweny~too in about a month from today. 2 plus 2 ..tweny~too!

11. And I am still sticking to my blog. Through these years I somehow got addicted to this anonymity~

12. And I want to tell you that...

The walk goes on...with yu..without YOU..

..Something I can't help is obvious continuity

~once

i am not asking you to

stay forever

all i want of you is that

we hold this moment in our hands

this moment

that we are together

alone~together

there is a distant circle of sinking orange

clouds have clothed the mountain

and soft strings from a guitar

fill our ears

we are more alive, than ever

and we want to dance

now, my feelings need not be held back

they can come down like lashes of rain

anytime, anywhere...

so wild so free

so i ask of you, to stay, now

let me live, let me cry, this once

This once...

i know, in love once is enough

like light for a blind eye

like wine for a parched loner

like you for me..

...I am so hungry, I can keep writing this poem forever, but it won't make any sense beyond this...I have said enough...I have had enough...It's time to call it off...~once 'n for all...

Passions

Hide and Seek Milano: Crispy biscuits with lumps of chocolate inside. Well they are big enough,

but somehow I can never manage to eat just one.

Silence: The way we lapsed into one

of our silences when we talked. I simply get addicted to that. we connect the most when we are actually not talking. i love those moments of

awkward silence and the way they become a comfort with time, a reassurance, the thing i need the most of all the other things.

Shakira: Watching this petite woman dance and her voice filling my ears and my mind. she creates passion in me.

Purples and violets: i can never differentiate one from the other. i never know when one becomes the other. and i love them with the color of zinc/g.

My words Un~spaced: i hate the space bar. i love to write phrases, stanzas with all my words together. no spaces for me.

I love forgetting: my window has a view of mountains. but then clouds cover them on and oft. and when they do so, i forget the mountains existed. by the evening the moutains

are back, shining orange in sunset, and I am surprised. And I forget other things/people/facts/events also.I forget how some special people and I spent evenings stretching into nights, talking and talking. We part and I forget them, those talks, the nothings shared, I feel like a machine. It is when I am reminded of them by someone, I begin feeling

nostalgic, pathetic.

The written word: I love reading people who feellike me, writelike me. I feel delighted, ecstatic, hysterical: sad, distraught, suicidal, all at the same time. Here, I totally advocate

total hypocrisy

People Watching: I keep watching them. People accuse me. I can't careany less. I wish I could, do that better: the caring any less part i.e.

Pain: I am passionate about the volumes of sorrow I hold. I like

being insance. I like being outof control

Sea shells, solitude and the sea: are among my other passions..

I feel troubled, when I feel that it can get to this, like in the picture here..

.

.

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& I dedicate this post to someone'