Rant!

I rarely give things more importance than they deserve. I rarely give things even the minimum importance they deserve. Mostly take life as it comes. Many times I have thought about disabling comments on this blog, or blocking it altogether. But then, what the heck. It's not as important, is it. Life should be taken as it comes. I am never more concerned than I should be. I somehow decide that optimum level of concern by introspection.

But now, I am scared of everything. Every-thing. Fear has such a paralysing power, what do I tell you. I am afraid of all my future bosses, all those interviews I have to sit for to get a job, all those future co-workers, all of whom are gonna have that attitude, all those people I would never be able to strike a friendship with because I would never sincerely try to. I am afraid of all those first meets with so so many people. Life looks very uncertain right now. I have no idea where I am gonna land up. I am scared of living totally alone in big cities, staring at choked roads not knowing where to go. I am afraid of living alone, without friends, without love. I am afraid of all those failures that are just waiting to make my life worse. I am so scared, I can't think but cry. I have been needing to cry. All this is happening because I am just pushing things inside me. Deeper and deeper. I need to scream and shout and cry, for God's sake. I do not talk to people because I can't share my problems with them. I know I will never find the one I will share my problems with. They just have a panache for leaving me. My personal problems are affecting me professionally. I absolutely despise myself for letting that happen. Why does life always look like it's at an all time low?

Why? Why me? Why this? Why here? Why now? Why? Will someone please tell me? Please!

Again I thought of disabling comments on this one. But what the heck!

18 comments:

arvind said...

its the gravity..
the gravity pull u down..

for sime time and it may be all right after a while..

me have only one friend - my breath; atleast it may accomapny me till me alive..

time for you to go for some outing.. some entertaining films, some energetic dramas. live concerts.. those artists too like us.. just like us.. no assurance.. but entertaining us.. just emtertain ur self.. throw ur self out.. nothing wrong in it..

one beautiful place is near ur city.. its so beautiful.. lively..
me could not say that..

The Sage said...

then cry... take out all that is pent up inside, and you are good to go again!!!
you will have some people in future who would be like what you think, but there would be some like what you want, what you need... so just chill and work on the present as of now...

Rajita said...

:) All I can say is..just hang in there..life has a lot to offer you..and you are not alone in your uncertainities

Sometimes life has to be taken seriously..and sometimes just let it go

Surya Prakash V said...

I could laugh off your fears, like you could mine. But we are the nothing worshippers, when nothing works, do just that, nothing.

Its not an advice, or a counsel, just a silent knowledge that you are just fine.

Mansi said...

cud so relate to it...
wrote same few lines few days back....but then...I think these are the things we have no control of...so just let them happen !!!

Bloody Mary said...

When the moment arrives, you'll do whatever required just fine :)

Jeweliot said...

never say never. never say you'll never find someone to share your problems with. of course you will!

never letthe fear make you avoid life. i did. not a good idea..trust me!

you're definitely stronger than you think you are. we all are stronger than we think we are! we can really surprise ourselves sometimes.

who are these people you are scared of meeting! strangers! why! sweetheart, they are just people. people like you. people with their own set of insecurities and problems in life. no one is above anyone. there may be ranks in the professional world but as humans, we are all equal. we are all winners, and we are all losers.

you can do so much.

all the best!

(¯`•._.•[Raajii]•._.•´¯) said...

oh no no, you can be scared. That is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Chant it if you must but tell yourself that you will be ok.

I think you will be ok :-)

wildflower said...

where's my darlin Anonymous? Hasn't s/he read this one?!

Surya Prakash V said...

Fear it - and do it anyway. But if I know you, it's not fear but lack of it laced with indifference that is the killer. Nothing can help you, you don't want help.

I am just a bunch of dots that appear and disappear to your eye. A poke and you move, none and you stay put - and you will abhor my voice that tells you otherwise. Defiance thrown at my face, without any meaning of offence, and any meaning at all.

No one can help you. In time you would be done. But I hang on to a hope that you rise from your own dead, only to die again. And I will capture you everytime you wake. To prison you, and you will slip for I can't hold the ashes to air.

You have no fear, not any fear that those writing here write. Yet an ode is all you desreve. Rise and fall to your own will. Rise and shine to you own pulse. And BLOCK the frigging comments. I find even my compelled fingers repulsive.

Anonymous said...

tumne pukara aur hum chale aye.
:-)
read it,liked it ...
btw...the first para sounded like a warning for all (my type)anonymous critics.
is it so? ...

wildflower said...

arvind
thanKs. I am actually trying all that out!!

Sage
working on the present, yea, precisely..

Rajita
And I am trying to strike that trade off between holding on and letting go..

V
Yes, I indeed am. I just take the liberty too do all that drama here..

wildflower said...

Mansi
I can't be in control of the things that happen to me. But I want to be in control of how I react. At least!

Bloody Mary
In retrospect, it should feel like that, I have to make sure it feels like that...

Jewel
Wow! Thanks, thank you so much.. I really felt pepped up after reading those lines. And for a pep talk to actually affect me, it's gotta be real good.. :)

Raaji
That's the challenge you know, constantly having to tell yourself that You are just fine, just okay.. but that's the only affordable alternative..

V
this one is so long, will read it later :P

Anonymous
It was a warning sort of.. but I wouldn't stop writing, and so you shouldn't stop criticizing either.

Surya Prakash V said...

Lol. One of us should disable your comments section. More so because understanding and living drama share a mutex relationship :)

for a minute I took you seriously, a friend of mine said something poignant - one either dissolves into the world or dissipates I into it, I told her some find the will to alternate between the two. Then the scars or fears can't hurt.

Elise said...

Don't know why but this post reminds me of the movie 3 Idiots ... Aal izz well! :)

All the best for you!

wildflower said...

Elise.. hmm thanks! :)

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