Shameless

Before:

I am a woman, my mind flies from the first glance, to infatuation, to love and matrimony in a matter of moments. Shamelessly. It cannot be ceased, my mind. A whiff of assured company, is as tempting as life. I jump into deep holes with people I don't know, knit dreams I do not have the power to make come true. I see hope in what could be disastrous, I move fast, very fast. Restraint isn't aware of my existence. I am capricious, synonymous with the wild buzzing bee. From flower to flower I go, searching for something I do not know. And the instant I see a hint of love, somewhere on the far horizon, forgetting how tiny I am I keep flying and flying, with relentless hope. I cannot translate my restlessness into words. I do not die until my heart is trampled mercilessly. My quest is die hard. It's eager to leap into a flight, any moment, anywhere, imagining a life that is yet to be, imagining a life that is not to be.

After:

I have been a woman. I have been to the deepest pits of shamelessness that could ever be. I have been through what I never imagined I would be through.  Turning into a person I only feared I once could become. Love brought out the best and the worst in me. The catch is that even that best looks worse than the worst in afterthought. Drenched in regret, I am nowhere. The way I revealed those darkest secrets of mine, in one breath, without a pause of hesitation, now makes me wonder, how doped was I? How did I ever let a stranger peal off layers of my skin and look at my naked soul. Lust makes you shameless, it makes you another person. Another person you don't recognize once you wake up in the morning. Now is my morning. A whiff of that shamelessness hangs in the air still. And I have questions that I can only bury.

I am a woman. My life switches between the Before and the After. 

10 comments:

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

Woman, the last three constructors of you also belong to us. Man.
Oh yes, we might imagine shamelessly and never confide, we might be ever cautious in taking steps, yet there is a thread that runs common through most of us. Desire, a craving to be known the way we dearly wanted us to be. And switching, its just a memory that tricks us. How much has changed even in a good state, we seldom realize until its over, so is the bad.
Nice read.

Regards,
Blasphemous Aesthete

nOt anyone you know said...

wah!

nOt anyone you know said...

in your own words:
*You spoke for me, verbatim!*

Raajii said...

bravo! So well done :-).
For better or for worse, I agree with all your words :-)

Mansi said...

"Lust makes you shameless, it makes you another person. Another person you don't recognize once you wake up in the morning."

True. but what when this shamelessness become a habit...what when you become so immune to it that after sometimes it doesn't matter to see the 'other' person in you!

$uch! said...

me too

Drama Personified (R) said...

That was well thought of! Nice one there :D

wildflower said...

The desire to be wanted is an intricately human quality, Blasphemous Aesthete. Just that I am biased towards my gender. This one quality which makes a woman an attractive prospect, does the exact opposite to a man.

Bhavika :D I am so glad!

And it did take quite a bit of courage to write this down Raaji, but I am better done with it..

wildflower said...

Then I guess you're discovering another version of you, Mansi which was always within you but never raised its head in pride.

And all that I write, is fractionally for me and fractionally for Suchi!

R, Thanks! :)

$uch! said...

very true :) thnkx