I had big plans for the holidays. Well, my holidays do stretch for more than two months and a half. And you do actually start making plans a couple of weeks before they start. My end sems happen the last week before the holidays, and by that time my head would be over flowing with the thoughts of silent afternoons I would spend in my room, at home, doing all the typical holiday stuff. And now my vacation is on the verge of termination and if you ask me what I did the whole summer, you would silence me. Seriously, I have lived this entire time, without the vivid memories of a single day.

What I had planned to do? Well, wanted to sink my teeth into c/c++/java all over again. Honestly, it would have been my first time. And I wanted to drink all the good fiction written. And I had planned movies also. And e book adventures also. Make myself learn that the internet is made u of stuff better than orkut and gtalk. Blogosphere is definitely, its weight in gold. More than anything, one thing that I wanted to be done with is as follows:

Most importantly, before the holidays, throughout my life as sophomore at the godforsaken college of mine, I at times was made to feel like a misfit. Definitely out of place. Someone who lives too much herself, for herself. So I made up my mind, if it is so, then so be it. I shall shrink more into myself, and expand! But only with better sense. I wanted my existence to make some sense, of all people to myself. I wanted to have an opinion about things in life. Earlier it used to be so that, I was always hung in mid air. I couldn’t say what is wrong and what is right. I felt faintly rebellious at times though, for some causes, but argument always gives me shivers. I run short of points in my favor. So I felt I could overcome this shortcoming by reading like a nut. And getting in touch with what people feel. But to no avail. I never did that. And even today, I feel as if both the warring parties are right at their own positions. Let them fight, and die. What do I have to do between them? I am cool. I shall never improve, I know.

Gradually throughout second year, I have lost my fervor, my zeal to work hard. And the maddening ambitions that empowered me back in high school. Now that I had none of it left within me, so these holidays I wanted to gain some part of it back. I wanted to take the big decision. What after B Tech? MBA? MS? What? Or just any other job? This was what I was supposed to decide, I was supposed to meet people mature and experienced enough to guide me, show me some light on what things are like in the big bad world. I think I did come across people, but I could not boil down to anything, substantial.

One thing I did? There were certain decisions I wanted to be done with by the end of June, about my feelings for certain people. Which ones were walking out straight of my good books, and which ones I was asking to stay back. And I think I am done with that. I have the answers for myself.

And one thing I couldn’t do? I wanted to instill the conviction in me that people do not mean every thing they say. I have to live beyond my naivety. But I have been one horrendous failure at this.

It’s all about becoming self sufficient. One big time, successful woman! And also a lot happy, if that comes along with it…


StandbyMind said...

I must say Congratulate U on choosing spend/waste/utilize (pick one).
By the time u ll end up with the degree U ll realize that u have to use all three of them..

I will leave on that and let u realize ...think of my words then!

wildflower said...

i am sure, by the time i pass out, i would have become everything, but an engineer...
cheers!!! to ppl who have the same wavelengths..err...frequencies :P