taken away

me: are you upset?

K: not a bit.

me: honestly?

K: if there is a thing mundane that still has the power to upset you then you aren't quite accustomed to life as it is.

me: oh! but you could simply tell me what happened instead of playing a word game.

K: let's not analyze and evaluate the situation this way. everythin fades. everythin needs a little bit of time to do so.

me: you want me to leave you alone?

K: no.

me: ok..

Pause..Long Pause

me: imagine you are on a highway..

K: okay..then?

me: the sunset is getting closer and you're alone

K: so..

me: So, do you want music of any kind?

K: Yeah..!

me: any song in particular?

K: No, I don't want music..

me:and do you want to move a little back in time?

K: where is that supposed to taken me?

me: to the afternoon we left behind.

K: alright..afternoon

me: It's cloudy now..had been sunny day. Do you hear any sounds?

K: yes of course, there are others zooming past..

me: and they are honking..that sound stretches across the air and stays with you for some seconds after its gone..

K: yeah..

me: but you're takin it slow..

K:yeah I am very tired of speed. Genuinely tired of it..

me: and so you're sticking to the edge of the highway, letting others leave you behind and not caring a bit about it.

K: yeah..not caring a bit about it..

me: do you like what you see?

K: I see tall trees on both sides..merging on top of the road

me: like forming a canopy/

K: I see fields of lush green..of probably paddy

me: and you want to get down and find for yourself?

K: yeah..

short Pause..

K: they have been watered sometime back, i think. that moisture has drenched the air

me: and that air you breathe in..isn't it enlivening?

K: Let's get back on the highway? I want a walk

me: can you see the milestone? what does it say?

K: Can't read. It's dark now. Don't care to read. Not all distances wants to be measured..

me: Do you know your destination?

K: No

me: you're walking away on the highway. And now the sunset is approaching. Cars with their headlights on zoom in and out of vision, blinding you for a while, and in between yu see the the road ahead in a semi-lit darkness.

K:Hmm..

me: Very few things matter to you now. You can see through life..

K:

Pause..Long Pause

K: you there?

me: -jerked out of sleep- are you done?

X-X-X

I am a seasoned stoic.

And in this I see my only Bliss

I write not because it is my passion

But because it is my only respite.

once Upon stilettos..!

did you graduate?

mm? ||surprise takes over my face||

or in the final year?

Uh..nope. i did.. '09

okay! cool

yeah. very

it's been two years.. you lose track of thins ||matteroffactly||

yep i know ||stupid grin-you keep jumblin up the girls yu met-for future ref: pls remember

there is only one order ..chronological||

so where is it that you work? ||obviousness again-yu'r sure about everythin uh||

oh no place unfortunately has had the privilege to have me workin fothem.. || forced smile||

||he breaks into sly laughter|| an why so?

caz equally unfortunately i'vn had the privilege to work fothem..

||silence-mild questionin eyez||

still studyin.. masters

oh!

yeah.. ||purely an powerfully smilin now-sayin that 'yeah' thrice inside my mind or more||

NB: Your life is the collection of people you'v met. An' so is mine. An' it neen't be any other

way but this. I'l live with the meanagerie they'v creat-ed inside me.

afternoon..

there have been long afternoons and i have roamed around

in the shrinking sunlight. where i lived was a place far away.

there were bunches of guava trees. old mango trees with

trunks very wide. scrapping off their bark was my favourite

game and also gathering yello leaves that had fallen off the

boughs onto the ground. the noon-shy soil, that would be

moistened by the dew all night.

of flowers i remember moonbeam. and of course hibiscus

that had branches entwined, so that snakes could live in

them, peacefully. i dug in small holes the in ground and put in

them the stems of the hibiscus buds that i plucked. and in the

morning i looked at them an wondered what made them

bloom into flowers so full.

moonbeam and hibiscus taught me the colors i know, white

an red, black came much later. there were jackfruit trees a

couple of decades old. and i remember being told, who had

planted which, and if a ghost lived under it. because late in

the evening when you are asked to run from one home to

another, you may come across a beautiful girl with her face

hidden behind a white veil, sitting under the jackfruit tree like

she was both praying and waiting. and you are supposed to

know that she is a ghost.

there were herds of monkeys that came hunting in the

afternoon. they were chased off the orchard. sometime in a

forced siesta you would hear a tree branch break and you

would know they have arrived. then i would tip-toe into the

courtyard before anyone wakes up to makes cups of milky

tea that were to be served in maroon cups with broken

edges, later in the afternoon. the mokeys who were chased

off the orchard would be quietly waiting on the roof. i

remember givin them brinjals and cucumber and the leaves

of cauliflower..and looking at them eat, and then slitherin

back on to the bed like i never got up..

such were my afternoons. but one day came a mighty storm

and wiped it all off my life. now it's like remembering things

that never happened/..

soliloquY

~ hope i've spelt the title correctly, there are some things yu can almost never fix and get done with, once-and-for-all

~When put inside a decision box]

I end up takin impassioned decisions

instead of correct decisions

I haven been brave enuf

/More often than not

my decisions have chosen me\

instead of vice versa..

I don't regret caz it's too tirin

Too drainin

and takes a weekend to recover

I let my mistakes be

Never ask!

~this is the last time i'm talking about trees on my blog, lemme get done with it.

i realised it when i heard my cell ring

had been standing in the middle of the world

lookin at a tree,

i'm livin in autumn, tis heaven

the concerned tree has turned yellow

i.e. golden for me

an it's standin upright in the sun

an sheddin its leaves, one-by-one

they are free-fallin

an i've been standin there

trynu to feel the free fall of the leaf of gold

until my cell rang

~Sometimes i wonder i wonder where i am headed

I am not sleeping nights

And oversleeping throughout afternoons into nights

Waking up more sickly and sour-mouthed

teary~eyed, guilty for letting sleep seduce me..

~ All my life I ran not a race

but one

All my life I ran this rat race/

I have been dragggin my feet on the

Road that seemingly isn't takine me some/nowhere

~ finally but one tribute to my undyin yU..!

i looked for you in the tunnels of the dark, and in the chambers of my heart, but nowhere were you to be found. totally nowhere, absolutely nowhere. then i sort of made it a point to kill my passion and to rarely think of you. then i made it a point never to fall in love ever again. then i saw to it that nothing moved me the way you did. nothing drove me to tears like you did. noone lived in my heart, the way you did. no one even came close to breaking my heart the way you did. you did\

~ things aren workin out an i'm growin all the more indifferen to their not workin out

~ pro'ly i'm just trying to help masel..

4 am thoughts!

Twenty-three mutual friends in fb..

seventeen common connections on linkedin..

I must've known yu before

Come across ye by a random chance of fate

Should've heard people talk of yu

Had a hint that yu existed..

Or vice~versa..

we've lived in the same city

i've walked the earth you've walked

Sure must've brushed past each other

once atleast..

once some obscure friday evening

when i must've been busy shopping

or waiting for movie tickets

We must've met at cross roads

waited at traffic signals together

Must've drenched ourselves

in the same first rain

some forgettable day of earlyJune

some year

But it's a wonder

how life conspires to keep apart

two obvious soul~mates

and plays its secret games

builts a wall of glass in between

fills the air with fog, on both sides

and it takes a hell of time

for that fog to condense

and slide down as water, drop after drop

and it took long lonely years

for me

to see the faint contours of yur face

on the other side

to come to know of your existence

and assure myself of assured company

twenty~two years one month nineteen days four hours and seven minutes

to be precise!

the happiness woman..

trying to move on from one inconsequential incident to another, on the way, i ceased and noticed the woman that happiness is. her eyes are small, yet happy. the upper reaches of her cheeks bulge slightly, the lower ones form a hollow to contrast. the lips so fall in a valley. a pink curve of delicate flesh, her lips. tiny gold hangs from the left ear i can see. she has all her hair taken on the right shoulder. they are a little awry. the wind must've done that. but the hair are pitch black and she is white fair. there has settled a smile on her face. it is the reflection of the smile on her soul. there is a scarf of all red wrapped around her neck. the scarf floats in the mild wind. the smile is so fixed on her face that there is not a sign of fluidity. and her eyes are black..

happiness woman has black eyes

And

Desire has green eyes..

but What color are mine?

I & II

I

as i try to forget you right now i find it very heart wrending. but that's imperative. i can't afford to have you in my mind beyond a certain time. love is a power game. of the worst sorts. besides love i give you the power to hurt me. by loving you i give you this supremacy over me. it' liek you rule my moods. you totally hold the strings of my life. i have confirmed it many times over that i would want you a hundred times over all the other wants in life. i bear the consequences of every inconsequential thing you do. i am like china in your hands. for you i dream of the pros and cons of if-only's

II

all this time i have tried to hate you because i am done convincing me that you are not the one, because you can't just be the one. i never fell for you. i never will. it's an impossibility. but there is a glitch. no it's not even that. just a dormant fear within me. that at the end of time, it could be you, if not anyone else. then i would have to keep all ego aside and take you in. it's this constant fear of this contingent future that keeps me on my toes, always trying to hate you. it's the fear of the compromise that i might have to make. it's the fear of you entering my life, and taking control with me becoming just a passive element. yesterday while crossing a busy street, this thought crossed my mind. is it you? what if it is you? what if it has always been you? i am doing a worst case scenario analysis. for you i fret over the pros and cons of what-if's