Becoming Me.

My patience doesn't like being tested. You have to get this straight. My emotions paralyze me beyond convalescence. It doesn't look like it in the first go. I give an appearance of a totally mentally sanitized, mature, peaceful woman. But the truth is that I am burning within. Only I can't show it. The chaos inside me has given up on its urge to settle down. It can never, it can never. And I realize that this is what has kept me going, till this day, till now. My only confidant is me.

I am not an antisocial. I have scores of scores of pals. I do. I chatter, I gossip, I bitch. Sometimes, I am so normal, that I cheat myself. But as the night comes on me, and I am in the dark and I close my eyes, none of these companions are there, absolutely none. It's a curse that I have, I can see beyond now, into tomorrow, I can see people falling apart right from the moment they get together. And away, I run. Chasing nothingness. This is roughly how I have been becoming me.

Aftermath, just a few, one or two, could afford to break into the sphere of my conscious. Sad but true. Everyone but these one or two, has lost their ability to lodge an effect on my being. That's the life of a cynical, misanthropic loner for you, in a para or two. But yeah, the one or two have the privilege of emotionally paralyzing me beyond convalescence, they are always at the back of my mind, tickling my nerves, kidding around with my moods, dictating things to me. Always, always, always. So much so that I am tired,  yet never tired enough. The mission of their lives, is to test my patience.

But. My patience doesn't like being tested.So, let me Be.


Only Be

11 comments:

nOt anyone you know said...

But trying to be genuine was harder
than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between
Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way......


good luck.

arvind said...

every dream is of so much nearness.. so nearer.. and breaking it always burns - burns the feelings..

enjoy!

Rajita said...

Dont knw what to say..are all of us like this..or is it just tge few of us

Burning inside..

raj said...

There is no being and becoming. I know why you write here. There is an illusion that there is an I inside of the so called YOU and that needs to express.
If you call it nothingness, how can nothingness be expereinced. How can you see it, how can anyone see nothingness. You not only claim that you see it and you say you think there is a movement towards it. From where to where? How cruel.

aria said...

can't think of an apt comment..
there's a lot I can relate to -
I'd let you be.. and I hope the world also lets you be..

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

hang on a sec, don't get me wrong, but I feel like laughing.
No not at you lady, but there is something that feels funny. Either the way you just vented it all out in a gush that all I could do is just laugh...

wildflower said...

BA
Then Laugh!

Rajita
Fewer the better. I pity the ones of this tribe..

VB
It's not gonna work. I shall be in-between till it ends

aria
compassion, yeah, that's all i need..to be left as i am. change is unaffordable..

raj
Inside my mind, a lot of space is occupied by nothingness, because i don't know what exactly is in there. and i am least optimistic about figuring that out anytime soon.

raj said...

Inside you is all that you have written here and where ever else you write. It is not nothingness.

Sudeep said...

Ugh. Tough for me to understand. You look good, though

wildflower said...

raj
thankyou for giving a name to vacuum..!

Sudeep
Merci! Mercy!

Sudeep said...

haha. Kidding. Well written, actually. Your language is beautifully lyrical. Envy.