My Heart

I owe my heart an apology. I have always taken away from it the people it has so badly wanted. And it hasn't stopped beating still. Kudos to its perseverance. But the heart doesn't even exist does it. It's just bloody pumping organ to the left of the chest. And I have no evidence that it is empowered to think/feel. The mind does all the thinking, evaluates options and tells us when to give up on things. Nevertheless, my sympathies for my heart. It has done one hell of a job. I would have called it quits long ago, had I been in my heart's shoes. But my heart doesn't wear shoes anyway.

I owe my heart a thousand apologies, having given it away to people who din't keep it well. For making it travel so much, back and forth, all those tumultuous days of mind boggling confusion. For all those ego clashes, silent battles that I fought and my heart had to be witness to. For swallowing all that violence, for bearing the unbearable and continuing to be with me, within me.

Sometimes I think, I should send my heart away for a few days for a therapy or something, it's broken so bad, like totally shattered, it should be given sometime alone to convalesce, to breathe. I feel genuinely sorry for it and  bow down before that degree of patience.

I have taken away from it every single thing it loved. I have trained it not to remember things and people I've wanted to forget. I have deprived it of its right to feel. I have drugged it with the survival drug every now and then. I have sent it off to concentration camps every once in a while, tortured it to unhealthy extents, never obeyed it. Rather I have fought and trampled to death its every wish, reasoned against it. I have cried and wailed. And my heart, it has only succumbed, succumbed to me. My rage has murdered its free will.

And tonite as I do it all over again, my conscience wants me to apologize. So, I am sorry. But there isn't much I can do about this.. the show has to go on.

16 comments:

(¯`•._.•[Raajii]•._.•´¯) said...

I think we all owe our hearts an apology. We misuse it too much.

Very well done :-)

Zave said...

Its been a long time I've been here, and still your writing has the same truthful bite!
I hung my head in guilt as I read through the lines.

The Sage said...

heart?? what is that??

Soumya said...

:)

Rajita said...

Oh..did I write this as your guest writer? I forgot :)

$uch! said...

loved it :)

Surya Prakash V said...

Why O why - just why bother live through a night I thought I didnt want to? Hope? stubbornness?

Hah! So weak that a pound of flesh, twice beating in a stroke, arches the body, heavy, and I think I am an adult?

Just why, when I cant miss the blue sky if I closed my eyes to run away? And nights! ya! those unrelenting blind alleys, drunk on an ocean, riding waves, looking for that one current to choke the light out of existence? My eyes, color blind.

Just why o why, why do I bother, when all the theatrics inside couldnt impress my own reflection??

Just why? when there is no unloving once loved? What I kill, is unbecoming of me, that becomes me in a fraction. And I still tell a fairy tale hence.

The heart is dead, now take heart, pound away and long live the queen!

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

Well the pump might be in the left, heart still is in the centre, of the body, and of activity.
It is stubborn, so it won't stop just like that. Something to inspiration from.(And somebody said that inspiration is to be found inside, I got it where)
Sometimes, do listen to it, though I too believe, the heart we all talk of is a faculty in the mind. But still, if healing is accelerated with care, then it is worth it.
All the best.

wildflower said...

Raajii
yeah! there should be an end to this, someday, someday

Zave
truthful bite, hmm.. :(

Sage
yeah, that should have been the question!

Soumya
...

wildflower said...

Rajita
Let's assume, I wrote this for you. We've the same story..anyway!

S
thanks :) was meant to be loved!

V
.. the length of your comments gives my entire posts some competition..but thanx for sparing so much time..no one does it..ever..ever

BA
hmm.. hmm..sigh!

Surya Prakash V said...

Hmm. I know. Let's leave them cryptic, and you assume it's related. Ok? I hate to explain myself as is.

arvind said...

ho my god..
thanks to the nature..
we have trained to use the brain - and not the heart..

but when ever you think - when ever u act - who pumps the blood - for those thinking and acting?
BLOODY heart?

aria said...

at least our own heart is loyal.. it comes back to us.. used and bruised.. but ready to throb once again with full fervor..

The Silent Speaker said...

I need to apologize to my heart bigtime as well. Things I put my heart through.. I should be hanged for em :).

Very nicely written.

Purple said...

That is a hell of a prick to the conscience. we're all working incessantly to deprive it of the things it metaphorically wants. but the metaphor in it changes all the sense. Brings the need into attention, whatever it may be.
Good job. Turn all your tragedies into literature. An amazing antidote to many ailments.
-Purp

wildflower said...

V
me too, our's is a deal then! :)

aria
hence has arrived resilience..

Silent Speaker
hanged :D o dear..hmm can understand tho..

Purple
love love your name, that's my best color :)