N

I have a middle name. Of the many names I call myself, my middle name is the one I never use. Somehow I am ashamed of it. No, it's sounds beautiful. But I am so unused to it that it rings too many bells and puts me on guard. My middle name scares me. I don't like being called N. But it's so sonorous, and feminine, some strangers don't give me a  chance to choose my name and call me N.

And I don't particularly dislike N, it's the prettiest part  of my name. Just that I like it being used only by the creme de la creme, the very special ones, the ones that I want to keep in my life. You know who. I am very possessive about it i.e. I don't appreciate it being used in public places, for the lack of a better word, yes public places. Lingering intimate conversations are just fine. I even remember the way N sounds in the voices of those creme de la creme.

N, strings together all my secret qualities, only those who have the slightest inkling of who I am could call me that. And no, this is not narcissism. To even have the faintest chance of calling me N, you need to know me in all my shades, the gloomy insides, the maddening passion, the stoic indifference, the end of hope. But if you're just an acquaintance, and not here to stay, you have to choose from the other offerings, D, just the letter D makes me the most comfortable. I love calling people with their initials, nicks are so passe'.

But N is ominous you know. I know if you call me N, you're gonna leave me very soon, desert me. And you're gonna be the reason behind a lot of my tears. So yeah, there are just too many terms and conditions involved. You could just chuck the whole idea and call me nothing. You could alter a few lines of fate and not meet me at all. That way, you would save a lot of my exotic tears, thankyouverymuch.

On a parting note, don't call me N. Please. Now it hurts beyond that point. You know which.

20 comments:

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

should I christen you 'Faith'?

but I am just a stranger, in a strange land tonight.

Rajita said...

I so agree..same is with my nick name..its just for family(or people who feel like family). I am so possessive about it that if someoen asks me my nick name, I lie and say I have none

$uch! said...

DNM :)

................your's entirely said...

Hmm...No 'D'...no 'M'...I know a certain 'Wildflower' and always stunned by her charm

arvind said...

ok.. try this..

first four letter and add a 's' at the last.. its so sweetttt..

Anonymous said...

i know guys with the name D but N is so feminine n i just love the name.so,i will stick to N :-)

wildflower said...

BA
Faith, I have lost it, in and out.

Rajita
I echo that totally! there's a thing abt names with me..

S
S :)..I call my favorite people with their initials.. :D

..your's entirely
How sweet is that!

Anonymous
primarily why I should kill you! You sure know what D and N stand for..not funny anymore! ;)

The Sage said...

calling people by their initials... i guess i am outta place but won't it lead to some practical problem... for example, in a gathering you call out for R and 3 people look at you!!

anyways... nice read... some things are too personal to be shared with anyone and everyone...

Surya Prakash V said...

W ur always just missing an E in me :)

aria said...

I have a soft corner for the first letter of your first name.. perhaps coz that's the the first letter of my name and my mum's and also one special entity who isn't in this world anymore.. so I prefer to call you by the endearing version of your first name..
can understand..

wildflower said...

Sage
I don't have many people 'in' my life. Almost everyone is luckily 'out' of it. So not many would I call R !

V
I call you V don't I. What's with E? I am a lil intellectually challenged anyway, so u shdnt mind helping!

aria
Duggu! :) Dnt tell nyone..but I have begun to like it..sounds endearing, doesn't it A :)

Surya Prakash V said...

Wi sounds like we, like V, where the "e" is replaced by i. So you are constantly missing an "e" in "me". Guess my other post didn't make it for ur approval.

"We" could be some classification where we might belong? Bipeds, night dwellers, et al.

ps- now; I tend to live on conclusions, skipping over the derivations. The introduction of an imaginary "i" makes a real numbers complex ;) - ur perfectly bright.

Pps - I was once superstitious about my name, what I lost in superstition, I found in the uncertanity principle.

Mr Happy said...

wat abut yenn

Boobesh said...

wildflower is it jus me or even for others, i have never understood even a single line of Surya Prakash V words.

wildflower said...

Mr Happy
shouldn't I prefer US*D*? ;) I have a preference of Americans over the Japanese!

V
I am perfectly bright! I would stick to that for now!

Boobesh
Glad to have you around then :) He is beyond my comprehension most of the time!

Surya Prakash V said...

@Boobesh

Lol. Off late I am hearing that a lot.

I have semi-perfected the art of saying things in a double tongue.

Where you could look at the words or what they mean.

The "i" in math is the imaginary number that makes real numbers complex. 3i, 4i etc.

So is it with people. "I" rooted in memory or the ego, is what renders "Me" Complex.

Yet, I want to belong, to someone, and find the number of ways I match up. Hoping the "I" would mutate to "We" and not remain stuck at "Me".

Then muse, inspite of matching up, "I" remains a recluse. Like in "Wi"ldflower. Or "E" in "We" is always missing.

Why does "I" interfere? Because, it changes the meanings of my words before they reach you. So you know my words, but miss the point.

Between "You" and "Me" only one can handle my truth at a time. Thanks to the complex "I" in both of us.

Hence,

Between me and my world, only one can suffer at a time.

PS - Superstition and Chance are the same entity. Both hinge on hope without conclusions. I have now let go of my name, and hers. Hence I am closer now to my conclusions. And that is what you hear from me all the time :)

Conclusions:
"Things with me are both said and unsaid to protect my volatile love."

"Every truth that belongs to you, is always acceptable to me"

My apologies, may be I should shut up :)

@ Wildflower

**Pulls that ear** :)

nOt anyone you know said...

extremely sorry for barging in the convo and no comments on the post as i have nothing meaningful to pass on here. but i loved this line by MR. V.
Between "You" and "Me" only one can handle my truth at a time. Thanks to the complex "I" in both of us.

i dunno if he should shut now or not. i am.

nOt anyone you know said...

@Wildflower: umm you can call me B btw =P

Boobesh said...

@surya prakash v. no pls dont shut up.. u r like real life sheldon to us... btw wen sheldon can find amy i belive u can find someone and make 'we' and in the process hopefully the complex 'i' goes of and volatile love changes in to a constant one.

Surya Prakash V said...

@ boobesh

lol, wishful thinking, but let's toast to that! Cheers!