Notes of an Endless night

The night doesn't end. It just goes on and on. Sleep eludes. Eyes open wider as the night gets deeper. The irony is, at no point is the darkness impenetrable, impenetrable darkness being the only thing I yearn for. All the time, there is some or the other source of light and I can see myself. And when I see myself, along with I see a void. The void is so obvious that it looms larger than my person. And I can't see anything but it. It is in a place where I used to keep you, untouched, unharmed, like a delicate dream. You were the summation of all that I wanted to become. But that was not to be. It all broke and broke very fast. I ended up empty handed, with a lot of pain caged within. And of course the void that created itself after you left. I had very few options. Just two, rather. I had to choose between love and life. And I am trying to choose life over love. I had to choose between you and me. And I am trying to choose myself over you.

Getting over you is the hardest thing, you wouldn't know. Every moment has become this constant fight to think of things other than you. Every passing hour, to engage my mind in something that takes it away from you, as away as it could. Days remind me how we were and how we could have been. Weeks, of how long ago I saw you last, heard you last.You wouldn't believe if I tell you the sort of things I do, just to not to think of you. But no matter where I go, I come back to where I was, to where I left you, to where you abandoned me. All this isn't taking me anywhere. Take my word for it, it's really feeling harder with time. Getting over you has been the hardest thing.

I am failing at loving you, I am failing at getting over you. Tell me, what should I do.

I run around, lunging for fresh air, I lock myself between four walls, trying to curse myself to sleep. It doesn't work, I try getting lost, try forgetting things, but no that doesn't work either. One moment I sit alone, I can't help crying. When I am with others, I just pretend normalcy. Yes, that's it!

This pretension has taken me a long way though. I have become a pathetic human being. I try to convince myself that I am this stone cold woman with no emotion, no warmth. Who doesn't miss anyone, who doesn't need anyone. I picturize a life in the future with just me in it. But it's not working. One moment of weakness, and I give out those soul shattering wails, begging you to come back, take me along. It's unbearable, you wouldn't understand.

..

19 comments:

The Sage said...

nicely written.... would be interesting to read the story of the other person in this story...

Anonymous said...

i wish u never went to sleep and kept writing on n on :-)

Surya Prakash V said...

Yes. He wouldn't understand. No one would, should. Welcome home, creature of darkness. Touch the raw throbbing nerve, bite, gnaw, and not kill, and you know vampires exist, lovers perpetually consuming themselves.

Rajita said...

Whenever I read a post like this I wonder if something is wrong with me..when did I start longing so much..
When did I learn to get over things too fast..and wish that something stayed and tormented me a bit longer

Mayz said...

koi nahi...as munna bhai once famously said

agle din muhhale mein aishwarya aayi :)

wildflower said...

Sage
Same here :-)

Anonymous
Shut up!!

V
Reading this was fulfilling in every sense..

Rajita
I am on that path tending towards you, hopefully will be there asap..right beside.. & we'll be peers! :)

Mayank
No wonder, you're the cutest! :D :)

nOt anyone you know said...

*One moment of weakness, and I give out those soul shattering wails, begging you to come back, take me along. It's unbearable, you wouldn't understand.*

the wails were not supposed to be there in the first place,if the person was to hear you and answer them. cry your lungs out and then get back to square one. is there any other choice?

the last two lines of THE BLOWER'S DAUGHTER,Damien Rice.
gives me the answer to this.maybe. stop thinking it is overrated.

tell me if you succeed.

nOt anyone you know said...

completely related to Rajita's comment and your's back to her.

wildflower said...

I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new


yeah, but now is difficult, i am not exaggerating, this wait kills! no matter how much i train myself i find myself back at square one!

And I am equally naive with this somebody new, and my fate goes in circles, VB, circles!

nOt anyone you know said...

NOW's are always difficult and fate DOES run in circles.
saying that I KNOW or i understand will be TOO much of a cliche'.
it is more difficult to fake. go all out now, cry wail sob, kill and die, 'coz tomorrow it will look all yesterday.

wildflower said...

thank thee for not being cliche'd..it wouldn't have gone down well..we shall see..i shall see..today turning into a yesterday..and wait for the next circle of fate, until the day when i would lose my ability to believe in fate, or the day when i would forget every damn yesterday like a total amnesiac!

Blasphemous Aesthete said...


I write your name in my breath on the window
Sit and watch as it fades away
The painful memories
Of the tears of yesterday

indira said...

Sometimes you write like magic.

Sneha Balraj said...

Don't try getting over him. He will gather his belongings and walk away the way he had come. Just give him some time, may be he has scattered a lot of stuff in your life and so it's taking long for him to get them. Let him take away everything and if he's really special, sneak away his most favorite thing, hide it and give him the innocent face. He will leave angry and disappointed as he deserves to be! But you'll have his best memory:)

wildflower said...

BA
those r great words..

indira
hmm..i do so only when pissed with life in entirety.

Sneha
i wanna get done within the blink of an eye..and i don't think he has any favorites left with me..so can't figure out what's taking so much time, even when i am loosening my reluctance to let him go, he never leaves me totally, he leaves behind some trivia with me, comes back to get it, stays for sometime, leaves again..and hence we're trapped in circles..

$uch! said...

same here

Mansi said...

what is it?? magic of your words or your love?Pain of being alone or remembering the moments of togetherness? bitterness of pain or sweetness of it?? Love for him or for the love you shared?
Wish to get an answer..sometime...someday!!!

wildflower said...

S
:((

Mansi
magic of love,pain of remembering the moments of togetherness, bitterness of pain, love for him.

obssesor said...

Really like the title.