Unfuckwithable

I miss home, I miss storms and windy nights. Home is where I be. Where I am me. That place is warm all the time. In summer afternoons, I miss the way storms engulf my home and it rains in torrents. Like it wouldn't stop till morn. After the heat of the day, I miss the way, the rage of storms aroused dormant emotion. The way it awakened the dead of memories from their grave, made me sit beside a flickering candle and feel. Helplessly thrown back and forth in time. The way I danced, unaware of who was playing me, those forces, shadows, blacks and whites and grays. The wind stayed throughout the night, scaring, beating rickety windows, threatening to break and enter. How those storms roared and raped the earth of its last ember of stability, I miss that. Home was the place where love had the power to move and hurt.

This place is cold. It's beautiful, yet it's nothing like home. Here the trees have burst in full into pink flowers, there are insects making fleeting noises, like they would go extinct any day. The cold keeps me from feeling, the fog keeps me from seeing. Hence, I am numb. I am numb, and hence powerful, away from the storms, I don't go back to memories anymore. Here the wind hangs like dead, their silence is unfuckwithable. When I sit out alone in the cold, I realise that there is nothing in this world that even comes close to being as good as being alone and being at peace. My days are devoid of emotion, there isn't a hint of yearning. I do not dream. Defeated by destiny, I have taken refuge in this dark. My patience has solidified into a rude rock, nothing can thaw it. Sorrow gave way to tears, and now tears have made way for something I can't name. I choose to call it peace.

But still, my heart hunts for an excuse to get hurt.
I miss home, I miss storms and windy nights. 

16 comments:

Soumya said...

An awesome write up.. I can feel every single emotion..

And yes, its an amazing title too.. Perfect!

Sneha Balraj said...

I think it was a part of your dream where you are right now, to study at such a prestigious institute. You have got strong wings now, you just need to flap a bit harder and you'll touch the skies! I am sure the place where you are, many of us covet. So, don't be so sad and depressed. Remember the day when you dreamed about this place and now you are in it, you are living your dream. How many get that chance? Forget about the ones who have hurt you, forget that part of yours that hurts you, just do what makes you happy. If you can forget your own ugly side then it becomes easier to ignore the rest of the world. Oh! Girl you concern me! Don't be so cruel to yourself!

Sneha Balraj said...

And home is always there. You can always return. You have gone a bit farther away, that's it. Your home waits for you with the same love so don't you worry silly! Just get over with the mess there and return home! A li'l bit of wait makes it beautiful. And hold on to love, and if you don't have it yet, hold on to the hope of finding your love. It helps.
A friend
Sneha :)

The Sage said...

every loneliness is a pinnacle... and every numbness is a comfort in itself..

arvind said...

our whole body is construced with the feelings..

the tree is construted with the timber of feelings..

when head intervenes with the feelings it becomes an emotion..

enjoy the feelings - as a flower - u may know that..

away from home?
u r at a age to construct ur own home (with a lucky guy!!)

Rajita said...

"my heart hunts for an excuse to get hurt."

Hmmmm..reminds me of this song "kyon naye naye se dard ki firaq mein, talaash mein, udaas hai dil"

Surya Prakash V said...

Red, red, flow through my gate,
no love, no hate,
just a river in spate

nice. You always find yourself.

PS - it's, urs, but I borrow a verse to ur blog, for a new one of mine. Thx.

wildflower said...

Soumya
Even I am awestruck with the title, almost arrogantly proud of it!

Sneha
Thanks dearie! :) For so much care..but u knw wot, behind every word I write, there is me trying to convince myself that I do not need to be taken care of, something I wanted for almost all my life..thanks though, it takes time to sink in..

Sage
comfort, yah!

Rajita
true it is, as much as it sounds like a contradiction.

V
I do not understand the PS part. Do elaborate?

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

you wrote it melodically poetically...

This place might be a shelter, might be called a house but not home.

Go home

aria said...

"now tears have made way for something I can't name. I choose to call it peace."

I think I know what you mean.. of late I've been shedding too many tears but when there's no one to wipe em or simply say few kind words.. you do find peace. Loneliness has it's own solace.

Loved the title.

Surya Prakash V said...

Work in progress: http://mysilentwine.blogspot.com/

$uch! said...

Yeh Khush Nahi Jo Mila, Bas Maangata Hi Hai Chala
Jaanata Hai Har Lagi Ka Dard Hi Hai Bas Ik Sila
Jab Kabhi Yeh Dil Laga Dard Hi Hamein Mila
Dil Ki Har Lagi Ka Sunlo Dard Hi Hai Ik Sila
Jab Kabhi Yeh Dil Laga Dard Hi Hamein Mila
Dil Ki Har Lagi Ka Sunlo Dard Hi Hai Ik Sila
Kyun Naye Naye Se Dard Ki Firaaq Mein Talaash Mein Udaas Hai Dil

wildflower said...

BA
not going home, would be an act of self defense!

aria
u always know what i mean! :) there's such solace in not having to say anything!

V
:)..still a lil confused tho..it's ur blog isn't it?

S
life is worth more than consciously looking for hurt, you and i, more urgently you, need to understand this in & out!

Surya Prakash V said...

The verse belongs to you in my mind. I restarted a blog with friends - was just borrowing hence. nbd.

nOt anyone you know said...

Unfuckwithable.

you have no idea how strong a word you have coined.

wildflower said...

I haven't. Even I reacted the same way when I heard it for the first time!