Tonite I am a self proclaimed star. No, I am not drunk. Nor have I won anything due to my talent/attitude. Most of the time I am pretty sure I don't have either. But there's a reason behind my self proclaimed stardom. There has to be.
I have had a decent share of rejections in my life so far. That's the victory I am talking about. Living despite these failures. Learning to deal with them, learning to be indifferent to them, is what I have in my kitty today. And I swear these are hard earned.
Everytime I fail I have wanted to be alone. Hell, I never analyse what went wrong. I just vent it out, I scream like there are no walls. I despise company, even in good times dude, in bad times company is evil, fatal. I deal with life, alone. I hate help. Help is pity. Now with time I realise that the number of things that could hurt me that irreversibly has shrunk. The degree too has reduced. That's the victory, hence the stardom.
I have grown up like a person inside a person, pretty much in isolation. Perfect isolation is my moksha, the light at the end of the tunnel. Insulating myself from everything outside me is the ultimate idea. As long as I am on that path.. sigh
I have won, yeah in this very life. But after being almost choked to death. After biting dust. After having seen my worst fears come true. After having fought & lost, and fought & lost. And I am so used to it by now that winning in the first go is not something I would choose, it's crazy I know. I like to put up a good fight, I like to tread on the edge of the sword. Springing back to life after tasting death. The stubbornness of this hope is resident in me, at least for now. This is the victory, hence the stardom. Sigh
I have had a decent share of rejections in my life so far. That's the victory I am talking about. Living despite these failures. Learning to deal with them, learning to be indifferent to them, is what I have in my kitty today. And I swear these are hard earned.
Everytime I fail I have wanted to be alone. Hell, I never analyse what went wrong. I just vent it out, I scream like there are no walls. I despise company, even in good times dude, in bad times company is evil, fatal. I deal with life, alone. I hate help. Help is pity. Now with time I realise that the number of things that could hurt me that irreversibly has shrunk. The degree too has reduced. That's the victory, hence the stardom.
I have grown up like a person inside a person, pretty much in isolation. Perfect isolation is my moksha, the light at the end of the tunnel. Insulating myself from everything outside me is the ultimate idea. As long as I am on that path.. sigh
I have won, yeah in this very life. But after being almost choked to death. After biting dust. After having seen my worst fears come true. After having fought & lost, and fought & lost. And I am so used to it by now that winning in the first go is not something I would choose, it's crazy I know. I like to put up a good fight, I like to tread on the edge of the sword. Springing back to life after tasting death. The stubbornness of this hope is resident in me, at least for now. This is the victory, hence the stardom. Sigh
15 comments:
Gal...ur still awake! it must be 3at night...
I have been ardent follower of ur blog...just loved it..
& here I am posting my first comment..
I absolutely relate to wat you have written tonight..i m so blessed with loneliness here..in US.
Dont be so sad..rejections if positively dijested, they leads to content..and that's wat has made me more inclined to myself, i dont need someone to make me happy...m so happy myself, i love being with me..
Cheer up...for your stardom
"I have grown up like a person inside a person" - This sure is stardom
every loneliness is a pinnacle... or so said gregory david roberts...
but is it for you, or are you just wishing your hurt away in the warm comfort of thinking that you revel in loneliness?? me wonders...
-The ancient sage
When you say that 'I hate help' does it include both helping others and getting helped? Haven't you felt like helping others? Was that always out of pity?
For some people, the reward lies in the fight itself. That's something that I can relate with.
humph
Don't take it as an offense, I too take privilege tonight to proclaim myself a victor. This wasn't a sigh actually, it was a brief humph with a smirk.
And no, I don't share victories. Tonight, I am making an exception.
:P
Nice post.
oh if only I could tell you how much I can relate to this.
Well, you are not the only one.
Sweets ! Changed my blog url to medusa-in-hiding.blogspot.com Hope you doing good. XOXO
have dealt with many rejections myself and its doesn't bother anymore.. I think I'm slowing becoming immune to both rejection and acceptance.. when that feat is accomplished I am hoping that I shall achieve complete isolation along with loneliness.. and that's what I revel in ..
N
3am darkness is the perfect refuge
Rajita
I would suppose so
V
Why would you delete that!
Sage
Do not wonder, I hate being studied
Sudeep
I hate consoling/being consoled. Pointless
BA
Rare occasion, I do not take offence
Raaji
Being able to relate, is sometimes a solace..
Bloody Mary
:) Note taken!
aria
Immunity, let's define our enlightenment.. are ye with me :)
If there is hope in you. There is "no" hope for you.
I missed the second "no". Before reposting, I asked myself - how will just pointing that hope is non-existent bring forth all the problems I have with a post? Inertia took over. I kept silent.
I read all casual trash, but coming from you, I think it's not casual, and I want to point out all inconsitencies. But what for? You might not be interested in anything I say, for with most I am a cynic who simply misrepresents their vital idea of life. So be it, just ignore me, I will learn to be silent.
For now, I am not able to decide, weather you are simply individualistic or truly honest. But I know I find affection for you.
wow!!!
this is what happens when you don't read the best friend's blog for quite sometime :(
Dons
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