past that wasn't

If you could allow déjà vu for once, to happen to you, when would you want it to happen? When would you want a bit of your past to retreat, for a brief interval and leave you estranged, yearning for a bit more? Yearning for a thing that never happened. Do you realize that it is just not the past that is a part our past. A lot that didn’t happen is still entrenched in your mind, not letting go of its tiny existence in your conscious. Fading and gaining focus again. Things that didn’t happen because they couldn’t. But what could you do?


But what could you do? Your wanting couldn’t have been any more inconsequential. You lost what you could have had, from your fingertips. The words stopped right at your lips, you couldn’t say them. You realize that helplessness, don’t you? You have been there.

You have been to places that never were. You have met people who you never met. You were never as happy as you seem to remember you once were. It’s all a figment of your constructed past. Lies that you have put together to console yourself, for the unfulfilled life you have had in the past. You get where I am taking this?

And now when all that is bygone, illegibly past, your senses do not let you distinguish between the real and unreal past. The one that happened and the one that never did. I understand that is an act of self defense, and what could you do?

Something of this sort, happened with you today, remember? There was this temporary transportation you had back into time. This is where my first question came from. Don’t think this is crazy writing. I am sober and this is absolutely making sense. A part of the past that never happened came to you in the guise of a memory, a real memory. In the hurry of the moment you too couldn’t make out. It felt like a real happy memory. Love was with you. You smiled.

But the next, you cried. You found out it was a lie you had told yourself so desperately that even you mistook it to be a truth. That thing never happened for real. You could have made it happen though, but you didn’t. That made you sadder and you cried a little more. But what could you do?

Don’t think this is crazy writing. I am sober and this is absolutely making sense. And now you are wondering would you have chosen some other time for that piece of time to come walking back to you. You don’t understand this but this makes so much sense.

13 comments:

AS said...

Well, so nicely put, the feelings, there can be no addition to that, but just that how soon you allow, is dependent on how much you think and allow yourself to get into the depth of what did not happen. The more you go into it, the more deeper you sink, and there is no end, for the pain and pleasure oscillate and maintain a balance pushing you further into the depths, till it either destroys you, or you achieve the indifferent state.

Rajita said...

This happens to me all the time..and its this probably which makes me what I am..living things in my mind..and I always will..

The Sage said...

I louved the "Don’t think this is crazy writing. I am sober and this is absolutely making sense." parts.

Why go back in time??? Let the dead bury their dead...

Enchanta said...

So, so very fascinatingly convincing!

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

such is deja vu. Distressing sometimes, but leaves you contemplating. And you make sense, total sense.

Amrita Sabat said...

nice post agen Miss Deja Vu! :) for a while stop dwelling in those few lies, few thoughts, people & places of the past- njoy the present & Merry Christmas 2 u! :D

D2 said...

Deja Vu is caused by certain chemical imbalances in the brain. If you've read Catch-22, you would understand that getting startled by remembering certain events which were important to you sometime and seem to be happening again is merely something scientific. You can't disallow it or allow it. You have no control over it, unfortunately.

manas said...

you know..i had been following your blogs since past 2 years now..
you really have an amazing writing..
would you like to write your experiences for students who actually need guidance to see their future with a right perspective?
i really wish you do..

aria said...

you always make sense.. :)
I think we tend to value present only when it becomes past.. when we are actually going through the best time of our lives we let it go and then in retrospect we live it again and again refusing to let it go ..

wildflower said...

AS
I would prefer that latter, I choose life over everything else

Rajita
living things in my mind..ah!

Sage
Thankyou..a very delayed one though :P

Enchanta
If I am not able to convince people on these rarest occasions when I choose to try to convince people, I would be ashamed.

wildflower said...

BA
Relieved, I love being understood, I actually relish it!

Amrita
Thankyou, all the cheer to you too :)

D2
Science, hmm I could choose the excuse of science too.

manas
Students? Is this some kinda spam comment that I should have deleted :O

aria
:):)

manas said...

Well..yes I mean it when I say students.i believe that d students v r looking at r unknown of d world around them.if v can share r experiences,good or bad,over which u have an expertise,v can actually do something good for them.v can actually give them a vision to look at d world with.
But im feeling a bit sad tho.i really wish that my target audience..i.e..d students read ur writings..i want to bring them to read ur writings..but..d newspaper im talking about ,in which I wanted to incorporate ur writings,is in hindi.n I suppose u wont like to write in hindi...wud u?
Anyways...ill try if I can make out some other way to get such experiences across to them.
I still dont know if u got wat v r trying to do..but neways..thanks..

wildflower said...

I get it, gud luck!