Ugly

This one is going to be blatant. Blatant.

How does it feel to be reminded of your roots? To be shown in glimpses, visions of the place to which you belong to for real? Visions of the place where you would want to belong to? Ironically you have made all the sacrifice in life to move away from that one place thus, craving for it more. Your life has been a happy bundle of contradiction and you're looking at it through a glass now. You can't go back and change, but you can look, mercilessly, remorselessly through. You're too tired to regret. That's what long road trips do to you. Staring out of windows, winds setting your face ablaze and hair a-mess, they make you oscillate, back and forth in time, forfeiting now. That's what hundreds of miles on dusty highways do to you, to me. That's what absolute darkness reminds you of.

I had this lasting dream to witness the Brahmaputra. The only masculine river. When I crossed it, the crazy reflections of the crescent moon danced on it crazily, my eyes witnessed what they call a paralyzed fixation. Soul-overwhelmed wouldn't be the word if I would put it that way. So I would let be, that expression, or the lack of it. I also looked for dimming lights on distant mountains, endless roads, nameless milestones.

The lack of surety, adds to life a tinge of beauty it doesn't otherwise deserve. It takes the responsibility off your shoulders because you can't predict. You just sit there, and watch, your own life turn out into a hazy mixture of what you wanted it to become and of what you never wanted it to become. Long, really long drives make you mull of how inconsequential your own wanting has become. And yet they've stayed, the desires, and their untiring ambition.

Also, you get realizations. Here is the blatant part. When I see the world, when my eyes see the world, they put it in two neat categories, non overlapping categories, the pretty and the ugly. Note, beautiful is not a synonym for pretty here. This inevitable segregation happens in the first few seconds of perception, like the impatient human mind cannot rest. The pretty are given a hug and set aside. The ugly are abandoned. Like me. In this abandonment, the ugly sit alone in cold dark rooms and think and feel things the pretty never would. Solitude, forced or claimed is sometimes the most affordable glimpse into paradise.The ugly gets insights, and depths, long enriching journeys into her own self and outside. These journeys help them find each other. I realized just why I connect so much with the ugly. And this is it. Let's call it off now.

12 comments:

Enchanta said...

The blatant part was surely pessimistic and a little way overboard...
Don't forget to notice the people who admire you in even the smallest possible way...
Like for me, someone who has become an ardent follower of what you write... I admire the depth of your thoughts...
Would you throw us away in neglect? That would be unfair to us. We would then feel ugly... !!

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

you've seen coal, haven't you? Its black, pitch black. Call it ugly.
Its secluded from the world, buried, within the confines of a dark room, where it can neither move, nor talk. Alone. It can only shrink, into itself, bonding and unbonding,

what happens then?

Metamorphosis!
And it shines, is searched for, with hunger, with need, with admiration, what do we call it then?
Pretty? Don't we keep pretty things aside too often, just because they could be, and at present dont seem to be pretty?

You get the point? I am sure you do. Now choose.

Rajita said...

Pretty has issues, ugly might not know..

It eventually boils down to what you think of yourself..its never ever the others!

The Sage said...

ya right!! i am ugly, life is ugly... but who decides whether it is ugly o not?? i decide... so why do i have to judge it as ugly when in the circumstances i did whatever i best deemed fit??

looking back is always an interesting exercise.. cos we often remember only the events, while forgetting the little nuances and causes...

anyways, nice to know that you did not show rhinos the finger!! :P

Purba said...

Loved reading "Your note to myself". Is it how all of compartmentalize incidents in our life - pretty and ugly?

Doesn't the perception keep changing over time?

Tan said...

I disagree to the point that ugly n pretty are two mutually exclusive sets.. havent we read all our lives.. "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder"..
And u n ugly!!com'awwwnnn
Well btw, At least soemwhere our thoughts are different,...
Travelling long distance gives happiness to me.. I feel soo much with myself.. The cool breeze on my face, my hair all tangled and loud music on my pod!

Bloody Mary said...

I love this post, in its entirety. xoxo

wildflower said...

Enchanta
Don't take this any other way, but somewhere I stick to this idea that the ones who can admire ugly things have been there sometime or the other. They have felt what it feels like to be shunned by chasers of beauty, gaining in the process the guts to admire something that is ugly on the surface

BA
Love this thought! I mean I absolutely get the point here.

Rajita
I hope they do, otherwise it would have been a very unfair unfair world. I have become so self-engrossed these days that I have lost the ability to feel for the other party, and I know I am making a mistake here.

wildflower said...

Sage
Oh they were supercute, wanted to adopt one baby rhino who was particularly cute :P

Purba
This perception is hard earned for me. I don't think it will change as fast, but the sooner the better

Tan
That calls for a toast :) Too much similarity is scary

Bloody Mary
Relief. Thanks a tonne!

$uch! said...

i love you

wildflower said...

You better not be any other way.

Krish said...

I hear a lot of philosophical bullshit from people about how everything on the planet is beautiful and that everyone is beautiful in his/her own way. Its not true. I've seen the kind of partners men/women who talk about internal beauty seek when it is their time for choice. In truth, no one cares for the ugly unless you make up for it in some other department, like Seal did or Lawrence Fishburne. Just being blatant. Can't get myself to say anything soothing here.