Privilege of Chaos

Sometimes Red loses its significance. It merges with the background and keeps itself from being seen. It has a mind of its own. It does as it feels it should. Red is for love. Red is for anger too.

Lately, I have been angry a lot. And this has been taking a huge toll on me, because I have not yet found out who or what am I angry on. So as is the usual, I choose to blame it on my destiny. But it's just not fair to do that. Destiny would be a lame reason for my unhappiness. It is not a reason at all. The reason behind all my emotions is me.

I am alone, because I choose to be alone. I choose to draw a sphere around me where every other being is prosecuted for trespassing! I have chosen personal space over company. So much space, so much of it that it feels like a void now. But nevertheless, it is my choice. There would pros and cons of everything and I should be flexible enough to accept. And not to grumble over it. But the problem is I do. I want only the goodies and not the unpleasant side effects that come along with the goodies. I am looking for a way to sort this out. It will be good if I figure a way out before it drives me crazy!

Love? I have chosen self over love. Yes finally. Probably, there is no such thing as love. It could be just an illusion people worship for the whole of their lives. It is very hard to draw those lines. Between liking a man and wanting to keep him for life. It's difficult. It is very hazy. If I try to find out what love is, I never find it out. If I care not about the definition and just fall into it, let it enslave me, then my heart breaks. I think I should drop the topic altogether and take a break.

So this is it. Writing has been the only constant in my life for long. I want it to stay, that's the only thing I am sure about. For everything else, there is the privilege of chaos!


Vagabond said...

sometimes it feels like you are writing for me. i usually dont have comments that say anything different from what you have already written...

arvind said...

me looked at the earth a day..
just looked at and tried to understand her..

she has - violent waves
she has - cool rains..
she has - pleasant weathers..
she has - wild wind blows..
she has - beautiful forests..
she has - vulcanos too..

me asked her,"mum, will me trust you or beware of u?"

she said,"what ever u do, do it full.. everything has controversies.. if u trust - u have to accept that - as WHOLE"

The Rain Crab said...

love take us up, pushes us down, sometimes saves us, sometimes kills us... (mostly kills us) and yes we all worship love... do we have a choice? do you really think we can choose self over love?

If we can do tat.. we (I)would be happy soul(s) forever! i jus wish...i wish... wish i could make a choice der!!!

$uch! said...

there is no such thing as love :)

wildflower said...

it's good to meet people who complete my sentences, and vice versa..

i know it is next to impossible, but i am impossibly selfish, or at least i am tryin to be..

yeah! we know.. & we know better! :)

Boobesh said...

Watever happens just write...keep writing.. if not for u at least for us... we love u for yr writing...

wildflower said...

more than that, i will have to write for myself..before i find another muse..

but thanx..that felt nice :)

ani_aset said...

"But nevertheless, it is my choice" yes it is, and you have made the right choice of starting to love yourself first :)

Wild Flower said...

Ah, seems like you are describing me 100%. I thought I was so alone in this.

Keep on writing! I like the way you express your mind. I hope I can have even just a half of your writing skills.

Zave said...

That is a post that made me smile.
I mean I was drowned in thoughts, but I could feel the bubbles of smiles surfacing every now and then as I went through it.