asphyxia

my phone beeped. battery fully charged, please remove charger.

i had expected a message. i have been wanting a message for long. any message. just any

when i woke up, three hours ago, i was lapped up in sweat. everymorning i try this simple activity of trying to convince myself that i am just fine. may be i just dreamt bad. of something very horrible. but i can't remember any dream. but my subconscious is too nervous to face the day even if i feign a dutch courage. i keep telling myself that i am just fine.

it is the best way, the way it is now. there are certain things i can't afford and hence shouldn't think about them much. i want to be told so..again and again

i hate cold, fog, green. i hate hills. i despise pine trees. i love the dust and warmth of the plains. i want the noise of the traffic back in my life. that was some noise after ll, more soothing than this deathly silence that prevails and threatens to engulf.

how easy is it going to be, to cease to exist. is it going to be better than the life that would have continued beyond that voluntary choking myself to death?