for a change i will not write about love.
right now i am too nervous to face my own life. i see a fear of rejection everywhere. it's like i cannot accept myself when i am rejected by the system or any particular person. i judge myself, every moment of my life. if i stop doing that i get guilt pangs. my system has been assembled to believe that following free will is equivalent to sinning.
today my inbox is spammed by the google groups of the colleges i went to. colleges in which i wrote exams in which my answers were independent and irrespective of the questions. i still slogged the night before and somehow cried just to get through. i lost my ambition in this rat race. the rat race that is inevitable and ubiquitous in my life. my six years of college. that breathlessly gasping and running to classes on shampooed wednesdays and sleepy saturdays. those nights of sleeping like a drunkard. and stealing time to write this blog. i just wanted to get through whatever everyone wanted to get through. i never asked myself what i wanted. never had the chance or the time to.
am i a victim of the system? i confess everytime a someone blames the system i break irrevocably into mute peals of stomach splitting laughter. the system is rather my victim. people ask me for advice. oh dear god, i just keep repeating the above mentioned activity .
i am been so pathetically victimised that today i am an advocate of this system. i have begun to believe in degrees. i have begun to believe that studying in branded colleges matters. i have abandoned ideas of following passion as a comical midsummer night's dream. it doesn't work out that way.
i have a passion for writing. i love writing. but i don't know if i would be able to make a living out of it. will writing sustain my interest if i take it seriously. don't i love writing just because no one forces me write? i am lazy by default and if you don't kick me i wont work. and i wont even write, probably. i will just laze around.
so i need a system like ours that makes me work, and scares the hell out of me. i am conditioned to live with fear. it's difficult to imagine a life without it.
for the last month or so,this is what mylifehas been revolving around.
and given a chance i would maintain a status quo