other trivia.

for a change i will not write about love.

right now i am too nervous to face my own life. i see a fear of rejection everywhere. it's like i cannot accept myself when i am rejected by the system or any particular person. i judge myself, every moment of my life. if i stop doing that i get guilt pangs. my system has been assembled to believe that following free will is equivalent to sinning.

today my inbox is spammed by the google groups of the colleges i went to. colleges in which i wrote exams in which my answers were independent and irrespective of the questions. i still slogged the night before and somehow cried just to get through. i lost my ambition in this rat race. the rat race that is inevitable and ubiquitous in my life. my six years of college. that breathlessly gasping and running to classes on shampooed wednesdays and sleepy saturdays. those nights of sleeping like a drunkard. and stealing time to write this blog. i just wanted to get through whatever everyone wanted to get through. i never asked myself what i wanted. never had the chance or the time to.

am i a victim of the system? i confess everytime a someone blames the system i break irrevocably into mute peals of stomach splitting laughter. the system is rather my victim. people ask me for advice. oh dear god, i just keep repeating the above mentioned activity .

i am been so pathetically victimised that today i am an advocate of this system. i have begun to believe in degrees. i have begun to believe that studying in branded colleges matters. i have abandoned ideas of following passion as a comical midsummer night's dream. it doesn't work out that way.

i have a passion for writing. i love writing. but i don't know if i would be able to make a living out of it. will writing sustain my interest if i take it seriously. don't i love writing just because no one forces me write? i am lazy by default and if you don't kick me i wont work. and i wont even write, probably. i will just laze around.

so i need a system like ours that makes me work, and scares the hell out of me. i am conditioned to live with fear. it's difficult to imagine a life without it.

for the last month or so,this is what mylifehas been revolving around.
and given a chance i would maintain a status quo


whencatrawman said...

:) feels like some hangover from watching '3 Idiots' !

The "system" has gone so deep into us. We learn to survive it and beat it, but in the process become mediocre and off color. It is true that after a point we accept the system as something "less evil", start believing in "degrees", "college brands" etc. You know what, sometimes I think if possessing these degrees/college brands are the things that "allow" you to do better things in other spheres of life more "easily". (like writing in your case)

Imagine no (good) degree, no (good) college brand ....... will your writing have been as "good", though there is no seeming logical connection ? "Better" ? I would be interested to know if you have some answers to these questions.

wildflower said...

trying a become a chetan bhagat? ohno!

but while watching that movie i re-realised that i am wasting my life. hence the tribulations.

our world is not ideal. does there have to be any one thing that each one of us is too good at? what about people who aren't good at anything? who are just mediocre? who are just themselves? normal human beings. not everyone is gifted? what about people who really don't know what is it that they are passionate about? what is it that one work that they will do without an ah for the rest of their lives?

i might be saying all this just because i am a seasoned victim of this system ..and no rancho! and i think i've digressed too much from your point :)

Vaga Bond said...

Trust me, I have been pondering over the same questions, but not as a result of watching 3 Idiots. I am at a point in my life, where, every night I go to sleep having known, I have done nothing, not even a bit to fulfill my dream today, a dream I have cherished since I was 10, I don't get sleep. I am scared of the day I am 50 and I am still just dreaming.
But well, thinking about it is a good start, I tell myself. You are right, the system is our victim, the system needs to get rid of people like us.

................your's entirely said...

Dear Wildflower

This post of yours resonates with my thoughts of late....A huge deal of introspection and retrospection has led me to realize that with the amount of thought put into such matters we do nothing but strain our already overstrained lives....No acheivement in this "system" no success in "degrees" shall guarantee peace....the best thing we can do to ourselves is probably relish (or confront)what comes our way...coz as Keynes once said "...In the long run we are all dead" :)

................your's entirely said...

BTW...why did u change the profile pic...I thought it was gr8 !!

wildflower said...

@ Vaga Bond

common grief is relief..i wonder if this grief (besides the other griefs in our lives) has a cure..it's just gonna be buried in our hearts till we are 50..an beyond..!

@ ..your's entirely

i wudhave kissedkeynes for that quote!

and the new pic is jus because it is :) ppl recognise me on gtalk as the girl who changes her pic as often as often cud be..may be i aint happy with maself and i wanna keep changin the way i showmaself to the world..

N!V said...

hey u know what..i too am as lazy as you claim to be..and a victim of the system like everyone else..but I feel that there are certain things in life for which we become more passionate than we ever anticipated..for you, that thing may be writing..u will never know unless you think of a goal and give it a try..
Saying all this, coz through your words, I can feel what writing means to you :)

whencatrawman said...

i totally agree that our world is not ideal. but accepting "mediocre" as the new "normal" is not going to help. yes, there has to be one thing that each one of us is too good at. it might be anything - some thing that might be of help to others/some thing that is utterly useless to the world ..... some thing that can help you make money/some thing that cannot fetch you a penny initially. BUT, there IS always one thing that each one of us is too good at. someone who accepts status-quo and remains mediocre by choice (by blaming the "system" etc.) ... what do we say of such a person ? it is slightly offensive to say - normal human beings = mediocre. no ? gifted everyone is. but to find it ? yeah there lies the catch. people who don't know what they are "passionate" about - they can at least embark on a "passionate" search for where lies their gift .. no ? then i would say they are wasting the very gift they were given in the first place - life.

well, wanted to give this gyan to someone for a long time. now the world gets it thru your blog :P

wildflower said...

@ N!V

and i want to give it one try..sumtym.. :D

@ whencatrawman
you remind me of the movie..Revolutionary Road..i dread the climax it had!

whencatrawman said...

Wildflower, are you referring to the hearing aid scene ? :(

wildflower said...

i dread the way April died..i felt that her trying to take the RR led to her death..the way the wholething ended was so-so sad..tho i cant recollect this hearing aid scene in particular..

whencatrawman said...

Ah ! Now i get it. i am not sure if we can equate "revolution" to what we have been talking about. April's act was of "misplaced passion". (which she paid for later. though it was a costly one).

Love that movie!